Making and keeping friends

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How do you make and keep friends?

ShadesOfMe,

The easiest way to make a friend is simply to introduce yourself, is simply to introduce yourself, ask them a few questions, and try to find some common ground - the weather, politics, anything.

Keeping a friend is a little harder - if you have found common ground, then keep in contact - that's the key. Give them a phone call, send them an e-mail, invite them over to do something.

The only thing is, they have to keep it up on their end - it's no fun if you are the only one initiating conversation.

Well, gotta go,

mentalman

It is not that I do not want to have friends, but I have trouble making and keeping them. First, because I have trouble with communication, and most people I meet quickly see me as a weird person. Then, because it is hard to find people who share the same interests, which is probably the persons I like to talk with (I am not saying "persons I like to be around" because I do not really have any in real life.) are eight-per-cent of the time three to ten years older than I am or about five years younger.

To answer your question about the way I make friends, I would answer that I simply try to talk about something I like and they may like. For instance, I like sciences and movies, and since more people are interested in movies than in sciences, I try to initiate a discussion about their and my favorite movies. Lately, it worked and I spent a good time reviewing and commenting movies with someone.

Concerning keeping them, I agree with mentalman.

Loy

I want to have friends as well, but I just haven't got the ability to do so. I do agree, friends should have some common interests. The problem people like me have is that I am unable to engage in inconsequential chit-chat and gossip, and if the conversations don't turn to my favourite subjects, then the conversations end abruptly and I end up looking like a idiot.

As for keeping friends, it was an excellent suggestion by Loy. I suppose I have to find a subject that lots of people are interested in and try and centre something around that. Hopefully in my case something like that may work, but I'm not overly optimistic because I think people just don't like the look of me and I come probably across as a bit of an oddball or ret*d.

Thats my problem too, unless I can converse about something I have an intrest in, either I can't converse at all, or it takes me forever to think of something to say, and if the conversation shifts direction, sometimes I'll try to shift it back, even though I know it makes me look awkward, which in the end dosen't help me at all.

I often find the pursuit of relationships to be emotionally taxing. I have unusual interests and not much in common with most of the people I come into contact with on a daily basis. I have no close friends at my job and I've worked there for over 6 years. I just have nothing in common with the people I work with.

I do try to make conversation and appeal to other people's interests, but if it only goes one way (and it usually does, in my experience) I don't see much point in continuing to pursue a conversation with them, let alone a friendship.

I've had a great deal of difficulty finding relationships in which there has been reciprocity, but those I have found tend to be nurturing and lasting.

For me, it is not as much the problem of approaching people and starting relationships, but rather that of keeping them. I have apparently likeable, happy, easygoing manners (which are not innate, mind you, I have taught myself to behave like that). So I befriend someone, we meet, go biking, maybe go for a weekend trip. And then that person stops talking to me, or actively avoids me. I guess that maybe I told something too honestly, or criticized, or used wrong tone of voice. It's difficult to say, because I'm usually not even aware that I did something offensive. I wonder why do people get offended so easily and permanently. Couldn't we just talk the problem over?

So to answer the poll question - no, I can't make any close friends. And I am afraid of starting relationships. I put much effort into them, only to receive disappointments.

[Just when I was about to click the Submit button, Mozilla, the best browser on Earth, crashed and ate whole post. I had to retype everything. Sweet! ]

Yes, let's talk it over because I understand and share these same difficulties. Smile

I find thus far what you've described here is having made the casual acquaintance, leading into friendship, and then for some unknown reason, it becomes famine. Your guess may or may not be correct.

Personally, I discovered making the acquaintance of another through shared interests and activities is only a first step. Being able to discover "interest in the person" beyond this point is where it becomes difficult and emotionally taxing. I first had to discover interest and understanding of myself before being able to relate and find interest in another person beyond shared interests and activities.

Most are shocked to discover the actual level of formal education that I have because I couldn't do both, academics and socialization, conversation to discover how to bridge back and forth in a meaningful way from caring for myself to caring for another. Without losing my sense of self and well-being.

Last edited by LadyBug on 26 Jul 2004, 4:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i get on with girls much more than boys, just because...well i dunno.
more caring and sensitive maybe

I find it much easier to find friends in girls. Boys are a whole different ballgame for me.

One of the hardest things about "making and keeping friends" is that it's most accessible to people like us to have a systematic, formula'd approach to it. Unfortunately, real life often doesn't work that way and all sorts of chaos and spontaneity run rampant -- making us go bonkers sometime! The methods as shared by the aforementioned here are quite helpful. The hardest thing is to keep that straight and put it in practice.

However, I know this. A good friend will generally:

-be patient with you
-NOT treat you differently after learning about your Asperger's Syndrome. In fact, my good friends tend to gloss it over... they're like "whatever you have, you're still my friend".
-value your strengths and be able to admit his/her own weaknesses
-get angry at you from time to time (it's life, it happens) but also be forgiving when the time comes for that
-want to go through the peaks and valleys of life with you, and NOT leave you stranded by yourself
-let you say your opinion, even if he/she does not agree with it.
-not stop you from finding more good friends in life
-allow you to explain yourself when there is miscommunication without judging you first

I am awful at it.
Oddly, I get along with boys better. They don't seem to find the short attention span and general lack of anything to say all that odd, I guess. They can actually sit in a room with me without saying anything and think that's hanging out unlike girls who are always trying to get me to chit chat and gossip and go do stuff I'm just not comfortable doing like go out with them for 'girl's night'.
It's also easier to find guys who are interested in the things I find interesting. Blurting out car models in front of girls is 'weird'. In front of guys it's acceptable.
But I have a miserably hard time keeping contact with people. I HATE the phone. HATE it.

How am I glad that I am not the only one with "phonophobia"! Well, I taught myself how to start conversations some time ago, so making a call is now quite easy for me, but still I do it only when I have to.

That seems to be the same with me as well. I'm a boy, but all (or most at least) of my friends are girls.

Making a call isn't nearly as hard as answering the phone. If I don't know who's calling it makes me nervous. Plus I zone out on the phone to an extreme extent. I've come back to so many times to silence, "You still there?" or the dreaded, "What do you think?" :{

Did you try using the phone with Caller ID? Or just switching to a cell phone (they all have Caller ID built-in)?