Getting Blamed for Others Losing Their Temper

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This happens to me all the time:

Someone (apparently neuro-typical) asks me a question, or comes to me with information. I either a) give them an answer they didn't expect, or b) ask them to clarify their information. They keep pushing me to respond in a way that would be convenient for them, but I keep trying to a) explain my response in a way that's easier for them to understand, or b) ask for more detailed information from them.

They keep raising their voice & I keep calm - which causes them to get more and more agitated. Finally, they completely lose their cool & storm off. I've even had bystanders blame me for causing the situation. I just thought I was answering a question, or asking for clarification.

So why is it evidently more acceptable for them to lose their temper than for me to try to get them to think rationally & calmly about the subject?

It bothers me that people might find talking to me upsetting - I play these encounters over & over in my head and can't see what I need to do to keep people from losing their temper when they talk to me. I don't dislike them & I've never raised my voice to them.

Annoying, isn't it.

Yes this happens to me on a fairly frequent basis. Not nearly as much as it used to, as I haven't made new friends in a long time and actively avoid most social situations, and because most of my family except my brother just shuts up when I appear to be stubborn on a point such as the ones you are mentioning. Personally I have no idea how I could ever possibly be blamed for somebody else's temper. Is it not their responsibility to extricate themselves from the situation if they feel their temper is going to get the best of them? I know I sure as hell do.

It doesn't bother me if people find conversing or debating with me upsetting. I refuse to obfuscate the truth, or agree solely to boost their ego. I will take no part of the constant circle of lies and deception people unwillingly and unknowingly take part in. They are wrong. I am not.

Yes, it happens to me frequently. If I answer the question they asked, and they don't like the answer they got, I get screamed at or dismissed as irrelevent. I get yelled at for not knowing things that I couldn't possibly know, like where someone has gone, for example - the answer "I don't know" seems to really infuriate a collegue of mine, even if it is given in a perfectly reasonable tone.
I often don't understand precisely what someone is asking me, so I ask them to clarify.
However reasonable and calm my tone, some people just seem to want to "have a go". I can't figure out what I might be doing wrong, and others have said that it's often not actually me, but I'm an easy target for someone who is already aggressive or frustrated, since I'm not good at conflict (I don't understand what drives the other person's reaction, or how to deal with it).
I end up going over the encounter in my head also, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and that kind of thing is not good for one's self-confidence, since I assume it was me that caused the issue - after all, I'm the one with communication problems, right?
It would seem that others lack social skills also...

*&^%$#@ them if they can't handle the truth! No one should ask a question if they're not prepared to handle an honest, and well-informed answer. People often ask me "What If" types of questions, while seeming to hope that I'll answer their hypotheticals in a way that seems to endorse their particular agenda or opinion. Sometimes, people will ask me questions that are slanted so that only a certain answer seems obvious - again, while seeming to hope that I'll answer a certain way that supports their pet project.

I'll often ask specific questions before giving an opinion, and I'll even tell them "I'm sorry, but unless you supply more information, I'm afraid I can't help you." When said in a confident tone, without flinching or whining, they have little choice but to either tell me what I need to know (and risk an even greater chance that my answer will not be the "right" one), or to simply accept the fact that my professional integrity means more to me than winning a popularity contest.

I am not paid to be a "Yes Man," I'm paid to provide real-world solutions and honest, well-informed answers. The sooner people learn that, the sooner we'll get along.

I have this problem with my mom a lot. :\ She's always accusing me of being rude, and most of the time I'm not doing it on purpose (I say most of the time because sometimes I am acting like a brat on purpose- what do you expect; I'm a teenager! ). She's bipolar herself and tends to overreact to things a lot, so all in all it's not a very good combination. Example: on Sunday I got irritated with her for not remembering something that I had told her multiple times, and said that things just went "in one ear and out the other" with her. She became very depressed and just went to bed for the rest of the day. I felt bad, but I was also really frustrated and had a kind of "serves her right" attitude about the whole thing. I was more blunt/rude than I should have been, but I still think she really overreacted.

Yup. Happens to me a lot.

It's mostly family (parents/siblings) who would tell me that I therefore *made* them mad. It's taken me a long time to de-condition myself from that. NT strangers and coworkers ... will usually just huff away. I wonder if this is often the source of coworkers who hate me with a burning, seething passion but I never realize it until months later when someone tells me, "Didn't you know that X hates you with a burning, seething passion? None of us know why either."

But like others have said here, I will not play the tell-you-what-you-want-to-hear game. If you don't want an honest answer from me, then please don't ask me the question.


- Jo

From my experience, whenever you are totally honest with an NT they always believe you are deliberately trying to get on their nerves (makes perfect sense doesn't it ). I think the best thing to do is clarify to them as soon as possible (preferably during a peaceful conversation) that that's the way you are and they can either take or leave it.

Exactly! I think I gave my biology teacher hives. I had a question about a quiz: she marked me wrong on a 'complete the sentence' question about how a spectrophotometer works. The correct answers were "Increases" and "Decreases", but I understood the question in the sense of "Opacity/Translucence" (which she allowed as correct) and "becomes clearer". My answers made sense, and it's not like I don't know how a spectrophotometer works. She explained that she copied the test exactly from the book, so I asked if that's all I had to do in order to get As, to memorize the book and not actually understand what's happening. And she said, no, that lots of other people got As and she didn't think they memorized the book. I was completely calm, actually, because I knew I was right, but she just got all angry at me and told me to go sit down.

Then she had red splotches all over her face and chest. It was kind of funny actually, and cheered me up a bit. (I had come late to class).

My husband then told me that it was probably not a very good idea to come in late to class and then confront the teacher about a finaggly little quiz. I just didn't see at the time how the two situations connected.

I've gotten so bored with playing that stupid game with people for so many years that I just let them go on thinking I'm being a jerk. I used to tap dance all over myself trying to explain my thought process but it just doesn't work. The one exception that I make is with the wife, since I just want one safe haven in this world where I don't have to put on the costume and play the part. Fortunately she has a background in psychology and is even the one who came home one day a couple years back grinning from ear to ear with a packet on Asperger's in hand, saying, "I found out why you are the way you are!" So I don't mind making the effort with her, but screw anyone else who tries to make what I say far more complicated than it really is.

I get this tons. I used to think I must be missing some element from my communication that made everything understood.

My littest sister was always like that, telling me 'I made her mad' or 'I made her hit me' etc whenever I said anything she happened not to like. My response was to say that that was illogical as I could not make her do anything as I didn't control her mind.

I found a way to get around the problem that a lot of people in this thread mentioned. When someone asks me a question with a "difficult" answer, I ask them back: "Well, what kind of answer are you looking for: brutally honest or sugarcoated?" More often than not, they choose "brutally honest". In that case, I tell them like it is, although I try to say it politely. If they get upset or offended by the answer, the responsibility is shifted onto them, because they wanted that kind of answer. So while they may blame me for telling them what they didn't want to hear, they know in the back of their minds that they chose to hear it.

Obviously, this kind of approach goes out the window when it comes to supervisors at work, police officers, and anyone in the position of authority over me. In that case, I tell them the answer I know is socially acceptable.