Going from open to secretive

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Joined: 2 Jul 2004
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10 Feb 2009, 2:04 pm

What does it mean when someone goes from telling you everything to, all of a sudden, rarely telling you anything?

Yet they say, or even give vague indications, that they don't feel uncomfortable being your friend. And you feel that there's no reason why they would hide things from you for no reason, yet they vow not to disappear without some sort of explanation.

Asterisp
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10 Feb 2009, 4:08 pm

Maybe you told something, your friend told you, to other people?
Or he has found someone more understading of his problem?

A difficult question.

Zonta
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10 Feb 2009, 4:27 pm

Just some possible explanations, can't know for sure:

- said or did too much for their own comfort level and needs to backoff to regroup
- is concerned they may have said or done something inappropriate and needs to backoff to regroup
- has things to do and just has less energy to engage on the same level as they were for a bit
- I like the one about trust being violated in some way, sounds right

Tim_Tex
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10 Feb 2009, 4:31 pm

Zonta wrote:

I never violated my friend's confidentiality.

This is just something that happened without warning, for reasons unknown.

I don't have very many friends, and when one vanishes, it rips me up emotionally. And the few friends I have are all online. I am a Christian (Lutheran), leaning toward conservative/libertarian politically. Yet at my school, Christians are often looked down upon.

The last time I heard from my friend was over a month ago, and I sent her three e-mails, but they all went unanswered.

Zonta
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10 Feb 2009, 4:51 pm

Tim_Tex, let me explain...

I didn't mean that trust being violated sounds correct (as I have no way of knowing at all). I meant that sounds like a good possible reason someone would backoff.

I also wasn't really thinking about you violating confidentiality per say. Sometimes people have in their minds things that you just can't know about. Trust comes from inside...so... Let's say someone has some life-long trauma around, oh, I don't know, birds. And you're an ornithologist who just went to the mid-night showing of Hitchcock's "The Birds", and you're all excited about discussing it.

You see, sometimes you just can't necessarily know unless you ask.

I'm sorry if I came off as calling you a back-stabber. Never even crossed my mind.

Tim_Tex
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10 Feb 2009, 4:54 pm

Zonta wrote:

Usually, I don't even inquire about the long pauses, I just told my friend about how school was going, and that was about it.

Zonta
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10 Feb 2009, 5:06 pm

In any case, I'm sorry to hear it. Those sorts of things can be hurtful, I know.

Tim_Tex
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10 Feb 2009, 5:08 pm

Zonta wrote:

In any case, I'm sorry to hear it. Those sorts of things can be hurtful, I know.

I still hope for closure in any case.

Katie_WPG
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10 Feb 2009, 6:21 pm

I don't know, maybe she told you something confidential and you didn't react in the most socially appropriate way? Maybe she was expecting you to say one thing, and you said another? Because of this, people can get more apprehensive about telling things to certain people because they take their response the wrong way. Or, they feel that someone who responds more to their liking would be better to tell secrets to? Maybe she thought you didn't "get" a lot of what she was saying, and now she's being distant because of it?

Tim_Tex
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10 Feb 2009, 6:27 pm

Katie_WPG wrote:

The last time I heard from her was over a month ago, and I sent her an e-mail back, but she never answered. Then about two weeks later, I sent another one, telling her how my first week of school was going. She never answered. Then last week, I sent her another one telling her how my first three weeks of classes went. Still, no answer.

She was open from the beginning of the correspondence (May 2007), to about August 2008. I used to hear from her every day, now I am lucky if I hear from her once a month.

Katie_WPG
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10 Feb 2009, 6:58 pm

Eh...it's possible that maybe she's just busy. I know I can get pretty busy sometimes. I know that you're probably confused over the fact that she seems to be ignoring you, but if she still contacts you once a month, then you know that she doesn't dislike you.

Tim_Tex
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10 Feb 2009, 11:14 pm

Katie_WPG wrote:

If she's busy, I understand. But even busy people don't normally take a month.

holden
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12 Feb 2009, 1:17 pm

Deleted Post.

Last edited by holden on 15 Feb 2009, 10:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tim_Tex
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12 Feb 2009, 1:35 pm

holden wrote:

Tim_Tex wrote:

This is just something that happened without warning, for reasons unknown.

I don't have very many friends, and when one vanishes, it rips me up emotionally. And the few friends I have are all online. I am a Christian (Lutheran), leaning toward conservative/libertarian politically. Yet at my school, Christians are often looked down upon.

The last time I heard from my friend was over a month ago, and I sent her three e-mails, but they all went unanswered.

Isn't this AS? I mean, for many of us, most of the time we never know; we never see it; we just don't or can't get it. I'm sure if an NT saw all the interactions they would understand immediately. If this friend knows you have AS then it should not be that hard of a conversation to find out if you did something that bothered them, or they just felt a need to pull back. But even if they don't know; you could try explaining to them the lack of social understanding, and ask them to help you by quickly explaining what you did, so in the future you won't do it to someone else.

Though, I personally think that many (most) of us have a hard time extrapolating social knowledge to alternative situations.

My friend is also an Aspie, so that's why it's so difficult to understand things.

holden
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13 Feb 2009, 2:04 pm

Than you have to ask. At least you know you'll get an honest answer, if your friend does not run away from the thought of confronting you conversationally.

Tim_Tex
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13 Feb 2009, 5:59 pm

holden wrote:

Than you have to ask. At least you know you'll get an honest answer, if your friend does not run away from the thought of confronting you conversationally.

I've tried asking, but she never answers my e-mails. She says she's busy, but apparently, she has time to go on MySpace every day.

Since the last time she e-mailed me, which was over a month ago, I sent her THREE e-mails, and she never answered any of them.

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