I talked to him. Now what?

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I thought about handling this another way, but per the advise of WP users, I decided not to do so. Some of you may have read a previous post in which I talked about trouble with a friend being more distant after he became friends with a third party. Well, I mentioned it recently and he hasn't been hanging out with the other guy as much, but I now face another problem. I need to be able to find things to keep him entertained (he is the kind of person that is quite a lot so you really have to try no matter who you are or he may do something else) preferably things that are cheap as he does not have much money to spend to go out to eat or watch movies in the theater etc. Some of the things that work are watching movies, and funny videos on you tube in my room, talking about things that have taken place at school and board games. I am looking for ideas about things that we can do other than those for when he pops into my room expecting that I will be able to make sure that he has a good time. I know that it won't work out that way every time but I'd sure like a list of things that I could try.

Last edited by asperges on 03 Apr 2009, 2:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

are you in a bf/gf relationship or are you a hostess at a house party? I mean if you are entertaining guests because you invited them to dinner or a party I can see you making your guest comfortable and have a structured time with things to do and play. But if you are having a close friend that you are afraid he will wander off if you don't put yourself out every minute. . whew! How can you stand the pressure?

It really doesn't seem like he cares with out you being his babysitter or maybe his mom. Maybe you should go to a local movie and see "He's Really Not That Into You" Yeah it's a chick flick, but from the very first scene (a little boy teases and pushes a little girl into the sandbox and the girl cries to her mother and her mother says "oh, he did that because he LIKES you" and bang, that is where we get the idea if they are a problem, that means they care. It couldn't hurt.

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh, I don't want you to be bummed, just think about it from a different prospective
Merle

Not in that kind of relationship or hosting a party. We are just really good friends who have become more distant since he started hanging out with the third party (a mutual friend).

[b]
MORE SUGGESTIONS PLEASE.[/b] Surely more than one of the 160 people who have read this can offer some good advise.

hel-OO? read back over what I wrote only this time keep in mind what I am saying is "you were trying too hard, you weirded him out".

now does it make sense?

Merle

you do seem to be far too invested in this friendship. if a friend appears to be spending less time with you and more time with a new friend then firstly, there isn't much you can do to reverse the process, and secondly, you seem oddly blameful of yourself for his getting bored with you as you see it. it just doesn't sound like he's really worth the time and energy you're exhausting trying to salvage the friendship by not boring him. the only set of circumstances that would in my opinion justify the amount of stress and responsibility you're torturing yourself with is if you'd been behaving particularly selfishly and if he'd pulled you on this or been receptive to your efforts to get your friendship back on track, as opposed to just ditching you for someone else.

it really sounds like he's at fault - i mean, because you seem so intense about it, he could have picked up on that and freaked out as Merle speculates, but because he's not bothering with you, you need to back right off for the sake of your own dignity. i'm not saying sever all ties but just leave it to him to put in what you consider a satisfactory effort and and if he doesn't, f**k him! you deserve better.

it should be perfectly acceptable to him that you're unavailable a few nights a week - in fact, it might teach him a valuable lesson: that you have your own life and don't need him to keep you occupied. and surely it's no more your responsibility than his to think of stuff to do together. are you saying that sometimes, when you're hanging out, he announces that you're boring him so he's off to do something else? because that's incredibly f****d up on his part.

I agree that I am trying a lot more than I should have to. However, I strongly suspect that this friend has ADD and so you see, it is difficult to keep his attention even if he will come in my room to try to hang out, if he is not entertained, he has a hard time just sitting there once we have talked for a bit. Yes, I figured I probably did weird him out when I told him that I was jealous of how I thought I was being replaced by the third party. I am going to let things run their course and not be as intense but I still need ideas of what to do when he comes over to my dorm room to hang out. Please keep the suggestions coming, if you read please comment.

from my experience of having friends around/hanging out at friends' places, entertainment comes in the form of catching up with what each other has been up to recently, dvds, computer/board games and youtube. so it sounds like you've got the entertainment covered. maybe you could rent dvds, games etc that are popular if you can afford to/don't already. or he could some of his own.

do you never hang out at his place? if you have been to visit him, what did you get up to then and how accommodating was he to your preferences and needs?

and even if he does have ADD, it's still not your responsibility to keep him entertained - he should repay the effort and consideration you put into your friendship by understanding that it's not all about him, that you have wants and needs too so he can't just piss off because he feels like it.

Thanks for the suggestions. They all help. A couple people have said that I shouldn't have to keep him entertained all of the time. Well frankly, I'm not concerned with what I should have to do but rather what will make us grow even if I'm the one that gets stuck doing a lot of the friendship maintenance work. I should point out that i'm not stalking him or anything and I have other friends, but I just am a little bit more emotionally involved in this friendship than others that I have had or currently have.

Do something spontaneous. Act on unusual impulses and take a chance. If your friend gets bored easy, make a lasting impression!

I really started hanging out with my best friend right now after one particular episode a few years ago when I got bored during a snowstorm. I called him up to hang out, he asked how I'd manage to drive there in all the snow. I said I was waiting outside already. He came out, half frightened, then we started driving along the very dangerous snow and ice road. There were cars in ditches everywhere, two even flipped upside down! He was getting scared.

"You sure this is a good idea?"

"This is the best idea! By the way, now seems like a good time to mention that my car's brakes don't really work."

He didn't believe me. Then I proved it by coming to a stop by banking instead. I'm an awesome driver.

We spent the whole day bouncing around town, meeting up with friends and checking out any shops that were actually open despite the weather. We had a blast, and still remember that day as our first 'Adventure Time', something we now do from time to time at random to relive the magic of just driving around doing stupid stuff.

Why don't all three of you hang out?

Thats what we used to do. Hang out at one friends house, eat things like pop corn and watch s**t on tv. Then wed go out after the show was over and play games. squirt gun fights, basketball, base ball, chase, explore, whatever...and then wed head back home to split off to every ones house for dinner...just hang out with more people, and also try and have all three of you hang out together...