"friend files"

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This afternoon I went to an IEP meeting for my son. (For those that don't know, IEP stands for Individualized Education Plan, which he is eligible for because he's on the spectrum). While at the meeting, his special ed teacher said something interesting. This is as close as I can recall,

"All of us here, being neurotypicals, know to keep a mental 'friend-file' for each of the people we know. We remember certain things about certain people, so that when we see them, we can strike up a conversation. So, that's something that I'm working on with D, since that doesn't come naturally to him." I looked around the room to see how people were responding, but I couldn't tell. I wondered if they all recognized what she was talking about. I wasn't sure if she meant that this is something NTs (or at least herself) actively work on, or if they just automatically remember information about certain people.

What do you all think of the concept of keeping a mental (or written) file of certain things about another person? I've never done that. There are things that I happen to remember about certain people, but I don't think there's any "friend files" in my head. I don't go out of my way to keep certain bits of information in my head about certain people, for the purpose of being able to socialize with them. That would have never occurred to me. In fact, I think if I was actively going about thinking of lists of facts about someone, then I worry that I'd come across as having an obsession.


Does anyone here keep a 'friend file", either intuitively or by purposefully working on it?

I certainly don't have such a file! I did used to keep some notes in a written file about clients when I was working, but that was a conscious effort to remember certain details, and it was for business reasons - even if the details were ostensibly personal. Similarly, people in certain professions will keep those kinds of notes on their clients so that they can remember their clients' spouse's name, children's names, etc. But that's very different from remembering things about your friends so you can speak to them!

On the other hand, I think people do sometimes try to make mental notes about certain things, so that if there is a particular crisis in a friend's life, they remember to ask about how their friend is doing. But that tends to be more situational. When people ask about things that feel too scripted, I think it feels like you're talking to a salesman.

I certainly don't think that a mental "friend file" is uncommon for either NT OR AS people. People with AS might be a couple of years behind in that, but that's mainly because they tend not to have very many friends in elementary school (what with the bullying and peer pressure and all).

But teenagers and adults with AS are just as capable as NTs of mentally storing information about friends.

The "friend file" was obviously a metaphor for a thing that your brain automaticly does. I am not sure if what I'm about to say explains what the Special Ed teacher means, but it's something that seems similar. When you are a neurotypical (or a mentaly mature Aspie), you pick up on things your friends are saying and it keep a "mental note" of it. Like, for example, lets say your friend says "Well, I have to close at work today, it'll be such a drag", you will take info and put it in a "friend file" inside their mind. I'm not saying that you consciously tell your brain to remember that detail, this is something the mind will do almost by itself. The next day, you meet that friend again and your brain opens that friend file, and you remember that they were closing at work yesterday. Using that information, a you could inquire about your friend closing the night before.

"So how did closing at work go, buddy?"

"It didn't go so well. I was so tired dude!"

This is only ONE example, and I can write an essay about the limits of this "friend file" business .

My mental friend files get mixed up a lot.
I'm usually saying to somebody "Didn't you...or was that someone else? I was sure it was you though."
I always bring up things that I thought the person has done, when it really was another person.

I keep a mental friend file I think, I 've never really thought about it, I think I do.

i do this quite a lot, not really intentionally but when i'm talking to someone i've not seen in a while, i seem to remember their job or where they are staying.

This. Just today I said to my friend, "Was it you I was talking to about how they don't have Transnistria marked on the atlas, or someone else?" And it was her, LOL. I didn't realise she had actually been listening to that little monologue, actually. People don't normally listen when I start going on about something random...