I'm tired of not being respected !

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I suppose the asshat that knew I react to sudden loud noises (being startled) by aggressive behaviors but did not believe me because he doesn't... Anyways he comes up behind me at work and yells at the top of his voice and pops a medium size paper bag... i was just done leaning throug ha drive thru window and started to turn around... Anyways, I jumped and the next thing I knew he was flat on his back on the floor about 7-8 feet away and i ripped off his apron, broke one of those tie strings on it... and I was his boss... back when I was a shift manager at a fast food place when I was in high school...

Sounds like that psychologist is stuck in the 1950's traditional gener roles of that era....... I am generally passive but also very aggressive and stubborn... I do not see myself fitting in though in a passive or passive/aggressive stereotype...

these things are labels used by non spectrum individuals to further classify themselves amongst themselves adn any other types in definitions they understand better...

It is like an nn-verbal Autie that can communicate is like an enigma to some of these people... I can communicate with typing and writing and decide i do not want to go through the process of interpretating thoughts into another language, weither it is english or german... yet because I do not talk, or other Auties who do not talk because they are nonverbal, they are seen as sub-human...


I wastrrated as so until I started talking at 4 1/2... before that i was in the process of being evaluated because they considered me 'dumb' being non-verbal but I could hear... moast of these psychologist are wise in their own eyes but are fools amongst themselves....

I've always "warned" people (once I realized this about myself) that I've only got two "settings": 1. Exceptionally sweet, kind, accommodating, and tolerant, and 2. Complete "Cut your throat" a**h*** (the final term reflecting the astonished assessment of people on the receiving end, not my own view of the matter once it has gotten to that particular point!).

Put another way, contrary to the perceptions of people who don't "know me,"
I'm only "passive" in the sense that a hunter or a police sniper is passive--I'm watching/hearing/perceiving just about everything, and once things get to a certain point and I feel as if I there is no alternative, I "squeeze the trigger" on confrontational behavior and "take 'em out."

I've got an incredibly long fuse, I don't warn anyone more than once, and I'm generally extremely soft-spoken and mild-mannered...but...

(Sorry to use such a violent and potentially offensive image/analogy, but it's the one that fits best... )

Anyhow....

I think that a lot of this discussion is more of a reflection on Western culture/society than anything else. Unfortunately our own personal predispositions--including neurochemical--don't serve too well in our culture.

In Thailand, for example, the exact opposite of good ole' American "Don't take nuthin' from nobody" and "Every man for himself" behaviors/attitudes represent the desirable norms.

In Thailand there's a saying about the mastery and wisdom of maintaining a "cool heart" (as opposed to our Western/American notions of "hot head" and "best defense is a good offense" stuff). Personally, I find the "cool heart" worldview superior, but can (in classic accommodative fashion! ) make room for other views.

With respect to "passive aggressive" behavior being better/worse than some other survival tactic...we choose our responses to conflict based on a wide variety of factors, including but not limited to which one(s) we are "good at," and which one(s) we believe will produce the results that we want in any given situation.

Passive-aggressiveness is simply one of several social survival skills...and make no mistake, it is exactly that: a skill that can/should be cultivated because there are situations when it is the ONLY defense that will "work."

Passive-aggressiveness, like ALL social surival skills, becomes a problem when we fail to employ it properly/appropriately. It becomes inappropriate when it is one's ONLY (or default) defense mechanism.

Put more simply: PA behavior is one of several available tools...and we've all heard the saying about making sure to use the right tool for the right job.

Last but not least--I, too, have had this "inadequately respected" problem for my entire life. Basically, because of how I interact with others--or don't interact, as the case may be!--I've found that I need to carefully build foundations of trust and respect and avoid pointless confrontation, chest-thumping, etc.

The downside to this is that it is exhausting, frustrating, and typically leads to a fair amount of disrespect being directed at me...or at least a lot of stupid actions/decisions before "they" finally get around to considering whatever I've put out there.

The upside--and this is what I remind myself of over and over and over--is that I the relationships that I do construct seem to last forever, weather any/every storm, stand the test of time, etc. And once people notice that--typically after about 3-4 months of careful cultivation on my part--the entire complexion of our relationship(s) change(s)...or at least my sense of it changes from negative/standoffish to positive/friendly.

I've got lots more to ramble on about...but I'll shut up now I hope that this helps someone...

no one respects nice guys if being nice is all that they have going for themselves.

get in touch with your inner jerk. learn to tell people off who openly disrespect you. learn to ignore people who do not show show some respect for you before they ask for a favor. speak your own mind even if doing so goes against popular opinion.

and never let them see your cringe, cry, flinch, sulk, or pout.

that's life in a nutshell.

When i was younger i was the most passive person on the planet. I let people treat me like i was nothing and when day at school this girl i used to sit next to said to me you need to stand up for yourself and afer she said that i was really aware of how passive i was so what i did and this was a BIG mistake was to watch what other kids did so from the on when i felt someone was mistreating me i wud insult the person endlessly and needlsly so in the and i was just so ashamed beoz that wasnt me i was just copying the NT kids at school who had no respect for others.

so i had to say sorry to the person coz i felt guilty to this day i avent really been able to be assertive still working on it tho.

I kinda went the opposite way. As a kid, before I knew about my AS, I was very aggressive. I didn't understand why people were always so mean to me, so one day I just started blowing up. Unfortunately, either the way I said things or the things that I said (probably a mixture of both) never got me anything but more provocation. It is why I typically kept to myself when I wasn't forced to go to school.

As an adult, I learned to adopt a more passive-aggressive approach. Yes, I'm aware it's cowardly, and yes I know it doesn't get you anywhere, but for the sake of holding down a job, I've found that it's the only thing for me that doesn't draw unnecessary attention and conflict towards myself. I suppose the only people from whom I need to demand respect are my family and closest friends. Usually, I'm a little more comfortable with being confrontational (if the situation warrants it) with them.

I hate that it has to be this way, but I consider it just a part of sacrificing for the good of my family. Attitudes towards autistics/aspies are not going to change in the near future, so I have to do what I can to adapt to live. There's plenty of time to be myself outside of work, and I'm very lucky I have an aspie husband and 2 children w/PDD-NOS to whom I can come home and relate. I don't know what I'd do without them sometimes.

I understand where a lot of people are coming from on here. I'm 31 years old and still have social problems with people, mostly because I just find NT behaviour absolutely maddening sometimes.

I think, for AS people, it's very hard to be respected or treated fairly by an NT-dominant society simply because the NT perspective is so unlike ours. I think, as someone with AS, that one of the more challenging (and possibly unattainable) goals in life is learning to find acceptance among people who don't think like you.

When I was younger, I was in constant "Sweet Guy" mode and highly deferential to others. This works sometimes, but also has the unfortunate tendency of labeling you as, perhaps unfairly, as "weak" and not worthy of respect from the average NT. I also had the misfortune of going to a very athletics-oriented high school, where "being different" was tantamount to being a leper quite often. I also picked a university that has a reputation as a rich, silver-spooned elite set's school (I went because it had an excellent academic reputation). Neither experience proved fun for me. I learned a lot and worked hard, but there was a lot of pain involved simply because I couldn't relate to 95 per cent of the people there.

The rubber really hit the road, as it were, for me about three years ago. My life started a long trek downwards -- job losses, financial problems, relationship problems, drug addiction, it keeps going -- and I really hit rock bottom in early 2008. I decided to stop being nice and, admittedly, become a hard ass. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Those days are dead. I figured people are not worth being good to anymore, for there was no reason for me to be good to them.

Ironically, this proved to be an advantage for awhile: I've become a lot better with women and my career, finances and drug problems are successfully being dealt with. But I've alienated friends more often, as I decided that I wasn't going to shut up, be nice and not say things anymore. I freely admit I don't give to people the way I used to. I have gotten into verbal arguments and said things that are vicious, cruel and cold sometimes. I don't think this is good, but I don't apologize for it anymore. Why should I put up with being treated like crap? I've been told my whole life that it was I that was wrong, I was the mistake, I was the one who was not getting How It Is and how to adapt. I listened for years and tried my best to learn. I learned a lot. I'm not a cruel person. I just find I'm much more willing now to attack back.

I don't think this is a good thing, but when you feel like the world won't respect you for who you are, what's the point of being kind?

I don't have a problem getting respect right away. I'm a serious looking guy who people assume demands it. However, I can't often carry the social load once I get it. I make too many social mistakes, can't steer the conversation well, talk about things others aren't interested in, etc.... aspie stuff. The respect wanes & I feel like sitting back in the corner I came from.

Be careful what you wish for.

I have similar problems. I either act too forcefully in these situations or too weakly. Still, I think that people usually respect me.

I think that one has to defend their boundaries. I mean, in all the important cases. My tactics are that I try to ignore minor disrespectful behaviour, but whenever I feel that their disrespectful behaviour harms me a lot, I stand up for myself in a determined but still polite way. Well, I do not always succeed to be polite, but still, if you are determined and show power when somebody hurts you, people will respect you a lot more.

I don't think that you'd actually have to go around insulting people to be assertive. I think that is enough to let them know that your behaviour bothers you and you'll take more drastic measures if they don't stop it.

Your in the same boat as you. Being forgiving a lot can be a good thing as well. But there should be a boundary that people can't step on you.
As for me. I'm just a carpet for all who want to step on me. I forgive everyone and everything. I give jokes all the time even in serious situations. Say someone wants to punch me or kick me. I say, "sure go ahead XD" and start laughing. I did make friends doing that though. I never had any enemies in school. People would often say that if anyone bothers me they would take care of them for me. Well, I don't want that to happen. I would say that if people make fun of you, make fun of yourself with them. It will generally stop people from wanting to do so.

People can be really nasty.

The absolute worst situation for me is living with other people. Usually everything starts out all right, but eventually they notice that there's something off about my comportment. They perceive me as aloof or snobby, call me crazy, and criticize my value of time alone spent delving into my interests. I've even recently been told that I make everyone around me miserable. That felt fantastic to hear.

Anyways, as soon as the situation sours I retreat to my room...and I just can not come out. I wonder if anyone else has this problem. I seriously can't even come out for food. Instead I wait and listen for the opportune moment to slip out.

I don't mind being alone, it's less time wasted listening to stupid gossip, but the more time I spend isolated the more difficult interactions become. I find that a private entrance to my residence and a private bathroom go a long way to make me a happier person, but I'm worried that I'm harming myself by avoiding nasty people.

In the past year or so I have been in very bad situations of people bullying me. From teachers physically harrassing me and so forth. My tool is to curse them out. I curse out many adults who get on my nerves and they have shown much more respect to me and even trying to be my friend. I've also cursed out many students too, and afterwards they try to be my friend.

I dont understand it. But it works. people tell me that I'm too extreme. but when I try to be witty like them, or dont do anything at all. I always mess it. So i just turn into a total jerk when people bother me. My brother tells me the key to stop people from bothering you is to use curse words, or say something that embarrasses them. I
've had trouble with that for a while, but I'm getting better.

I will be starting college next fall and because of my disability (asperger's), i get preferential housing. I am going to have my own dorm. I will not have a roomate which is sweet. Therefore when I get sick of people I can just go in my dorm and relax. I also wont have the trouble of a roomate, or getting into fights.

My mom thinks im running away from stuff. but what's worse, not knowing how to deal with someone like a roomate, or finally learning how to deal with them but its too late because you're in handcuffs for beating the crap out of them. and then you cant get your degree because you got suspended.
No you're not harming yourself. you're listening to too much of that NT crap. If you're not getting sick or causing yourself physical harm, then whatever you do to make yourself happy is not harmful.

If you're good at turning people's remarks around, and making a fool out of them, then I would advise you to always, always use it. It's a sure fire way to not only get them to leave you alone, but to respect you, like you, advocate for you in future confrontations with others, and it also makes them think twice when somebody else comes along that they otherwise would **** with. For many, it's easier said than done.

Oh it is very hard. I've spent most of my high school days in the principals office telling on someone and it got me nowhere. So I just started cussing them out. Of course when i turned 18b I had to be careful, because there were a lot of hard asses.
People tell me I get picked on because I'm different and I believe its true. But that doesnt mean I should accept it.

They say "People dont know how to respond to you because you're different so they try to pick on you". Thats true, but they continue to pick on me because I don't do anything, only because the fact that I don't know what to do.But I've learned to just do what I think is right, because when I cuss people out, they usually leave me alone. and they try to become my friend, but i dont be friends with them, thats stupid NT stuff.

I am one of the nicest people in the world. but its not good for anything. My counselor tells me not to be rude to people and what I think they are doing when I get upset is probably not what I think at all. But she hasnt been bullied as much as me and she even admitted hersef...hmmm I wonder why...oh yea "because she's not really as nice as she appears". I've figured that out.

I'm not nice to girls anymore either. But if I know that attracts them, im still not nice to them. because i dont want the ping pong thing. Im usually nice to a girl once and when that doesnt work, I just dont be nice to them. if they like me because they think im a jerk, their problem not mine. i dont want a girl who likes me because im mean to her , because mean is not my nature.

I dont listen to people anymore, I just go off of past experiences, and consider the source. Most people arent nice at all

But if you are being disrespected by people when you are nice, then they dont respect you for who you are and therefore arent your friend. So if you are being too mean or too strong, and they dont want to be your friend, you have nothing to lose. and at least then they arent bothering you and you have a concrete explanation of why you have no friends (because you're too mean).

Its better to be mean and have people respect you and not wanna be your friend, than be nice and have people nopt wanna be your friend and still disrespect you