Guilt

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I had the world's best friend, Yvonne Connolly, she was patient with me and tried to be attune to all I needed. I was very clingy and sometimes this would, unsurprisingly, mean we would argue. Yet we would always make friends again. If I ever had a problem she would be there for me without hestitation. One day, one of my other friends tried to put all my 'problems' into perspective by telling me the problems Yvonne had. I confronted her about what was true because I was crying. I thought friends should tell each other anything. I realise now that this expectation was far to high and that demand was seriously out of order. Yvonne and I haven't spoken since. I've tried mailing her and befriending her again but it hasn't worked. I can't blame her at all. But the guilt is eating me up inside and it's become completely disabling, I feel like I can't move on. This happened almost a year ago and yet I still can't concentrate on anything. I've had many more severe problems before that but this seems to have been my final trigger for getting depression. Can anyone tell me any coping methods they've had to get out of a situation like this?

For the moment, it looks like the friendship's over. That doesn't mean that you guys won't make up some time in the future, but it's futile to hang around, hoping for it to happen at this point in time.

You've made your apologies: now it's up to her to decide if she wants to retry the friendship or not. Whilst it'll be hard to do nothing, I think sending another email/contacting her again would be a mistake.

Infinite thanks for your reply. I know the friendship's over with only myself to blame. I was just wondering if you know any coping mechanisms for guilt?

Well, you've made the first step in coping -- confession, admitting to someone (us) how you screwed up. Next is "make amends", but you've already tried that and to insist would be counter-productive ... but you can "make amends" in another way, by "paying it forward". That is, be there for someone else. Look around you to see if someone you know is lonely or could use a sympathetic ear, and reach out to her. If you don't think you have it to give right now, one on one, consider giving time to a soup kitchen or something, those folks are very down and a simple sympathetic smile can mean the world to them (much more than the meal you're serving up).

I guess next step after "make amends", once you've started feeling better, is to become very aware of yourself and your triggers for insecurity ... a good place to start is "HALT" -- ask yourself throughout the day whether you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, catch those things early and address them; examine your thoughts, motivations, and actions daily, and if you screw up in a big or little way, fess up and make amends immediately, so as to avoid piling it on. Make time for whatever is restorative for you: solitude, music, enough sleep, prayer or meditation, walking, etc, whatever works for you.

On the other hand, if it's driven you to depression, you might also need to think about getting treatment for that. I have long sad experience with depression ... at some point we have to deal not only with whatever triggered it, but with the depression itself, it becomes a chemical process in your brain that outlives the trigger. You may get over the guilt, but need a pill to kick you out of the depression anyway. If you haven't been clinically depressed for a very long time, or repeatedly, you might only have to take meds for a limited time. If it's not too severe, you might be able to snap out of it without meds, e.g.: taking up exercise, limiting sugar and alcohol to stabilize your blood sugar, getting a little sunshine and fresh air every day, journalling, getting up and dancing to your favorite music (alone in your apartment, preferably!).

Best wishes
Regina