Grade school, high school, college- all nightmares. Same behavior... practically a mute log. I did not know how to be animated and show those lively facial expressions and gestures that came naturally to other people, same with the tone of my voice, and I would simply sit in a corner or leave the room altogether and avoid everyone in elementary school. I had a short temper and was easily irritated so I did not take well to much teasing. So because I did not lie down and take it, I was not a target of horrible bullying, but it still did happen a lot. I did not reach out to other people, nor did i engage in their conversations or try to relate to them. In my neighborhood, I would kinda wander around by myself a lot, and I would talk to kids I ran across occasionally, but for the most part i was the 'weird kid.' i was a social pariah and the kids were very mean to me. I guess i was not socially aware or socially conscious and I lived in my own little world so I behaved in a way that one behaves when they are not socially conscious. Uninhibited. Free. This made me an easy target.This behavior continued through middle school, into high school, into college. I had a very painful upbringing after age ten with very cruel people so I became even more inward, timid, and intentionally socially repressed myself out of fear of reciprocation and judgment. High school I made a few 'in school' friends, people i would talk to during lunch and only during lunch... but I had no idea of how to strengthen these bonds. Sometimes, I would intentionally put a block on these relationships out of severe fear or maybe agoraphobia or something... for example if we ran into each other in the bathroom i would ignore them completely and avoid eye contact, same if i ran into them in a public place. I cant really say why for sure. I felt fear, pressure to perform, and when seeing these acquaintances i was mostly... depressed all the time. Inside my head in silence is my comfortable, safe place. It has been since I could think in words. To draw myself out of my head and engage with others means to leave the warm safety of that. I think that might be a part of it. In college it was the same story, although I did make several friends who I liked a lot and really wanted to keep in touch with, I would still avoid doing things to strengthen or maintain the relationship like call, go out to events together, etc. And with the people that i did try with, it failed miserably, which with my hyperultrasensitivity, hurt A LOT with each failed attempt. And with the friends I had, inside my head I would be panicking the entire time. Thats right. Social interaction gave me panic attacks. Just being around people gave me them. Through each class I would silently endure a panic attack and uncontrallable racing thoughts, mostly very mean, self degrading thoughts. So, sorry to be long drawn out, but i do like to relate to other people in the hopes that i help someone. No, I did not have friends growing up. and i have no friends at this time.
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