fears of losing friends due to discussing problems

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I just moved to Santa Ana, CA, USA 6 weeks ago. I now live with my best friend who has AS and is a tactile signer. We live between two condos full of sighted Deaf people. Her boyfriend has a really bad attitude quite often. He is well aware that tactile signing requires a slower pace and he refuses to slow down. So I just break contact when he's in mid sentence, which is a tactile signer's equivalent of him looking away in mid sentence, which he does all the time. My relatives never listened carefully, and now nor does anyone I live with in my new group home...except my best friend. He always looks for reasons to be angry/upset, and sure enough he finds them...every...single...day. I tell the others and my best friend that I AM TIRED OF HIS ATTITUDE! But I CAN'T move out...my best friend is somebody I can NEVER let go of...unless she DIES. As long as she's ALIVE we MUST stay together. Her relationship with her boyfriend is very open, but at the same time he wants all the control, which I feel is NOT right.

Because of how badly her boyfriend treats me, I fear I will end up bringing up too many problems when meeting people and losing existing friends who I recently met. Many people in Cincinnati, OH told me that too much negativity causes friendships to end. That, to me, is one of the worst things one can possibly say to an Aspie. It's our condition that prevents us from understanding concepts like that, and we cannot help it! Everyone born pre-1970 who is NOT DeafBlind seems to have that compulsive mean-spiritedness and anti-disability mindset. Even a few who ARE DeafBlind seem to have it. I don't know what it is with those generations, but I have little tolerance for their attitudes and biases against us.

Most of the people in Cincinnati, OH who told me I'm gonna lose all my friends if I talk about my problems were born before 1970. The few I can recall off the top of my head are:
my so-called father (he IS my mom's husband, but that does NOT automatically mean he's my dad) - told me I have no luck at having friends unless I completely bottle up and hide my problems from them and even once they are comfortable with me bringing up my problems I can't just go on about them til it's all outta me...I gotta shut up as soon as they tell me to or else risk losing them.
my previous psychologist - insists I am carrying a high level of anger and need to "get rid of my anger" before I seek friendships
the former president of the Ohio Association of the Deaf-Blind - said on March 4, 2009: "Keep on doing this, and soon EVERYONE will ignore you." She is referring to my threats of suicide if I have no future with other tactile signers. She is also referring to me talking about my problems when meeting people.

Until I find evidence that proves these idiots wrong, I assume I may experience for myself what they told me is going to happen. I can NOT just bottle it all up and hide it from everyone all the time! I gotta get it out of me. Earlier I went on Google and tried to find that evidence, but instead what I found was a psychological study stating that "never talking about problems can be healthy for some people". Umm...I assume they mean bottling it up, and I am well aware that is NOT healthy! What I found was a crock of s***!

You lost my attention, but not my respect.

I think you underrate the degree to which other people care about you (even if strangers) and their innate desire to help solve problems.

If you really need someone to do more than listen to your problems, you'll need to seek professional help via a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Why is the boyfriend treating you badly? Is it possible that he sees you as a competitor for your friend? If you say something bad about him, it will reflect badly on your friend for some reason, like you're insulting her, too. Try to avoid placing your friend in a position of having to choose between you and her boyfriend. People will often choose their boyfriend/girlfriend over their other friends.

I don't think he sees me as a competitor for my friend. Her other friends call her "dear" all the time and that doesn't seem to make him jealous towards them. I have no idea why he's treating me this way. I haven't done a god damn thing to him and he just finds reasons to blow up on me and my friend every day. Like I said, I think he just looks for reasons to be angry/upset and sure enough he finds them. He took me to the Orange County Deaf Advocacy Center office this morning and I refused to let him bring me home. Instead I ran around on the public transit buses here for an hour and a half and made it back. Since I've been home he continues to talk about evicting me and he doesn't even own this place. His mom owns it, and she is old and frail. But, if he really wants me to move out, his mom must accompany him to the courthouse when filing the eviction suit. The property tax bill has come here and I have seen it does NOT have his name on it; it only has his mom's name on it.
And actually, my friend says that she often feels he deserves bad things being said about him too. She frequently calls him stupid, calls him an idiot, and says bad things about him before I get the chance to. As for her choosing her boyfriend over me, she continues to tell me she will not do that. If anybody puts her in a position of having to choose between me and him, that would be HIM, NOT me. She continues to try to tell me he won't tell her she's in that position, but regardless, I continue to fear it. But she has also told me that she doesn't let him tell her who she can and can't spend time with either. So I appreciate the reminder, but this situation IS different.

Also, my friend's relationship with her boyfriend is VERY open. I've seen our male housemates giving her foot massages the best ways they know how. And he has never told her not to let another man touch her feet. Personally I think all NON-sexual physically contact should be permitted between people in love relationships and their friends, when desired.

As for me underrating how much other people care about me, that could be the case. Luckily with what little vision I have I can visually identify pills of psychotropic drugs. I found a Xanax 0.5 mg somewhere...don't remember where cuz the upset has me so confused. I took it...we'll see what it does to me. I hope damn well it does what Mellaril did to me in 1999. When the psychiatric hospital staff gave me Mellaril in 1999, I was totally out of it for 4-5 days after the night I took it. The staff had to wake me for all 3 meals. The only other times I'd wake up myself were to go to the bathroom. I think I need that again...if Xanax doesn't have a similar effect.

I have tried nearly every psychotropic medication there is. I have tried counseling too. Neither have helped me. It is hopeless. If I do lose my best friend for some un-heavenly known reason, I know I am better off dead. She and I have planned out several decades of projects and all her boyfriend wants to do is destroy our plans. She tries to tell me that is not the case, which must be a good sign. But regardless, I have good reason to be thinking and feeling the way I do right now.

Oh, I remember when I had roommates who tried to make trouble for me. They'd act nice to my face, and complain about me behind my back. Luckily, they couldn't get me kicked out and they didn't compromise my progress in my academic program. Why are people so dishonest and passive-aggressive?

Don't go around eating pills and various other things you find, and certainly don't tell anybody about it if you do.

This guy has it in for you. Avoid him and don't give him an excuse to get you kicked out of your apartment. He may be trying to get you kicked out to get you away from his girlfriend. Is there some way you can make him look like a douchebag without it reflecting badly on you or your friend? Never mind. If you're lucky, he'll do this on his own. Just try not to screw up and make yourself look bad.

Well, my 2 cents. Take what you will; I'm certainly no guru.

It sounds like at this point it'll be very hard to resolve things between you and him. As long as she wants you to live with her, you need to do what you can to avoid contact with this guy. Out of sight, out of mind will hopefully be the outcome for him. The relationship will probably offer him with more emotional pull on you if things get too bad, and it sounds like negotiation is out of the question, so this may be the best thing to do if you want to keep on living with her. Also, if you can avoid going in to about how you feel about her bf, and if you feel any uncertainty about her comfort about the situation in the future, talk to her and see if she still feels best living with you. It's a hell of a sacrifice if she says 'no', but if this whole thing boils over she might decide not to be your friend at all.


I can't imagine how hard it must be in your shoes and the amount of negativity you must receive from it. Most people probably don't even want to try to imagine what you're going through. It's funny how this empathy lacks in a lot of people, but the in-the-moment empathy can ruin a friendship. When you talk to somebody about your problems, most if not all people are gonna respond with negative-feeling empathy for you. However, when you do this too much, people are gonna associate you with that negative feeling empathy and disconnect from you. I've also heard about the notion of bottling up one's own problems can be healthy for some people. My take is if you don't talk about your problems as much, you won't be thinking about them as much and get your mind on more positive things. Telling people about your problems is healthy, but making the majority of your conversation and thinking about problems can certainly be bad. I can personally say from past experience that obsessing over negative thoughts can make you into a negative person overall.

Does she tell him? It should be your guys' little secret. Otherwise, he is the boyfriend, so anything he finds sexual you're gonna have to comply with, unfortunately.

Stay FAR, FAR away from Xanax. It makes a lot of people not care about consequences and do some really, really crazy stuff. Seriously stay away.