Taught an Unwritten Rule

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Someone vaguely familiar with AS provided some advice recently when I mentioned being reluctant to enter a bookshop. The shop is usually silent and empty, which results in the sales person's attention being too undivided. I don't like feeling watched, especially in a confined space; it makes me freeze up.

The advice was to say "Hello, I'm just browsing" upon entering. Apparently, reading between the lines that means "Hello, I mean you no harm and do not plan to shoplift" and that this is a communication strategy used all the time in everyday life to reassure others.

What I don't understand is why I have to always be reassuring others non-verbally that I mean no harm. Surely those who do mean harm would engage in such strategies anyway, to give others a false sense of security.

Yeah I don't get that either, especially because I'm one of the least threatening-looking people in the universe. And I hate having to say hello to people, even people I know. I've figured out that if someone says hello to you then you're supposed to say hello back, and sometimes if they look at you for a while you're supposed to say hello too. I didn't know it was a safety thing, though.

I know exactly what you mean. It is because I don't register on their 'face and body language' scale. I find going to upscale dress shops the absolute WORST because they want to become your best friend the moment you walk through the door and if you don't chitter chatter with whomever the staff presents theirselves to you . . .well you get followed around and continually watched. I find it is not so much we don't interpret their body/facial language, but it is that we have no clue what OUR body language says to them!

Merle

I'm not sure what my body language says to others, but know it's not good. Even if I were to use the above script and state that I'm just browsing, I'd probably come off sounding suspicious as anything.

I've read how many with social anxiety disorder worry that sales assistants suspect they are about to shoplift. The advice would probably be something to the effect of challenging such automatic negative assumptions, yet I'm being told it's actually true.

I was waaaaaay too shy to interact with them. If they were NT it would have been no problem, but I know they could see right through all the shields I have up. It was scary! I thought of snapping a few photos, but I know that would have seemed really really odd.

Unfortunately, about 3/4 through my stay there (I hung out near them, but not with them) who should happen by but a large group of Japanese officials. One of them made me (Gaaah! Even though I'm sitting there in a hat AND mirrored shades) and came over to talk for a bit. After she left, I was pretty sure that one of the outlier guys in the ASAN group had figured out something was up with me. After all, I'd been sitting there for 45 minutes. I headed back to my condo after that...

I got a good feeling from the nice, slightly larger lady in the blue hat. She just seemed to radiate "friendliness" if that makes any sense at all.

Taking kids helps, if you can. If your wearing a coat taking it off also helps since shoplifters often hide their goods in coats. Carrying around something too big to hide is another way to allay suspicion. Too big means you have to go through checkout, which cashiers think shoplifters don't do.

I know taking off your hat/hood/helmet helps since it mkes your identity clearer to CCTV or anyone watching you. When I was younger I got accused once of shoplifting. (I didn't)

I think baggy clothes is part of the problem, since shoplfiters wear them to conceal things, an aspie might wear them for sensory issues. Which is an NT shop assitant going to think?

I was told that picking up a basket(even if your getting one thing) is good as it keeps it in the open

Yes, it seems to be true in some places. Quite astonishing really. But, in large cities it's probably the opposite way round.

I can remember some other unwritten rules now related to conveying a benign impression. One therapist told me that wishing my old supervisor a nice weekend would let him know I didn't dislike him and that he hadn't done anything wrong to me. I tried it once and he seemed to appreciate it very much and become easier in my presence (at least for a while before he started to avoid me completely.) It also produces a drastic difference in another's behavior if you force yourself to meet their gaze sometimes and smile.

Yeah this really is a good idea since peope working in shops, especially quiet ones with high value easily concealed items, really keep a close eye on people coming in and leaving and if you seem shifty you'll be watched even closer. I used to work in a wine shop and we had to make a point of smiling saying hello and making eye contact every time someone came in, mainly for the good imression it creates but also to let the more dodgy looking people know we were watching them.

^^ thank you, Hummm. . so often we forget that they can no more help being their way than we can help being our way. .

Merle