Just rejected a party invitation...

Post Reply New Topic

So I got this message on my cell phone from one of my closest friends for years who, naturally, is NT and very outgoing. "Do you want to get to a party right now?" I had just spent the whole afternoon with my closest relatives (mother and brother) driving him home from gym, doing some shopping at the mall and the supermarket, etc. So I arrived home at about 9:00 pm and I really had no desire of going out for the rest of the day. Let alone to where "the action is", which always seems to be like 30 miles from home.

Now that really doesn't amaze me from my friend - guess I should be thankful for someone still caring about wanting me to participate on social gatherings. Trouble is, he always seems to forget that I am anything but spontaneous on these matters, and that I can't just go and leave whatever I'm doing to "party on" God knows where. (then again, he's the type who can -and did- quit his 8-year job to go on a 2-month backpacking trek through Asia with no plans or itinerary at all). If they really cared, they should have called me the day before at least.

But on the other hand, these calls always bring me a conflict of interest, since then I am complaining I can't get a GF if I don't socialize. However, I still resist the idea that the only place you can get to meet interesting people are venues full of booze, loud music and cigarrette smoke. Does nobody like the idea of a mid-afternoon coffee talk or a weekend picnic instead? Yes, I've been out at night with friends and acquaintances many other times in the past, and also seen how many of those "wild and crazy nights" can go quite terribly bad. So no, if I'd want to get some booze I'd just buy a six-pack, some chips and stuff, and if you're ok with that, be my guest... and yes, I love my house perhaps a little too much. Hardly have a chance to get bored.

Anyhow, just felt I could make me some good writing this down here, and wonder if anyone just happens to share these feelings.

Precisely. How to explain that, in terms of mixed feelings, it's about like booking an appointment at the dentist.
It may very much be the right thing to do to go, and it might be the route to the desired end (be that a cured tooth or a girlfriend), but that still leaves it being far from intuitively fun.

And like the dentist, I'm not convinced that going more often will reverse that.
A degree of acclimatisation at best...

Last edited by Emettman on 23 May 2006, 12:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

Since I been diagnosed with AS, if i get invited to someplace I don't want to go, I tell them I don't want to go because of my AS. This makes people deal with me on my terms instead of me on other peoples terms. If they don't like me because of my AS, its they're problem.

I have the same problem.

If I get invited out, a lot of the time I don't really want to go.

It is really your problem more than theirs, as what you're doing can seem to be using your Aspergers as an excuse. Even people with AS have to make an effort in doing things, you can't just expect people to accept you if you don't make an effort yourself.

Expect to make an effort, yes, that's life...
But why is the effort the other way so rarely seen?

The phrase that comes to mind is "The tyranny of the majority"
What can happen to a minority, any minority, when the majority set the agenda, unthinkingly or deliberately. It's not a trivial or new problem.

John Stuart Mill "On Liberty"
http://www.serendipity.li/jsmill/jsmill.htm
"But reflecting persons perceived that when society is itself the tyrant... it practices a social tyranny more formidable than many kinds of political oppression, since, though not usually upheld by such extreme penalties, it leaves fewer means of escape, penetrating much more deeply into the details of life, and enslaving the soul itself."

How about you meet half way and propose a Picnic at Night?

Seriously though I hate that kind of thing, try going to a club or something, especially a Goth Club the music is quieter generally and the people wont be pushy. (Not that i've been to one)

I do not see the problem. You just simply say to your friend, "I appreciate the invitation, but I had a long day and am not feeling up to going out tonight. Thanks anyway. Let me know when you are next doing something."

I would not blame it on AS every time, that just sounds ridiculous, like you are using your AS as a generic canned excuse.

Ofcourse if you ALWAYS decline the invitations, then it may make it difficult to maintain the friendship.

Why would I want to do something I don't want to do and be fake with people? I'm being honest. I do go out when I feel like it. Some of my friends tell me I sould go out to nightclubs, bars to meet girls and dance. I HATE those type of places, they are a meat market. Why should I go to a club, pretend that I enjoy dancing, ect with people just so I can meet someone thta enjoys those things? Thats being totally fake and dishonest with them.

I'm not saying you should.

But you shouldn't say "I'm not going out because I have Asperger's sundrome" Just say "I don't enjoy dancing" instead of blaming the disorder.

This time I have to agree with hale bopp on this issue. I never have used my AS as an excuse not go. I would have to not reply.

Here's an idea: you could invite your friend over for an after-party party. That would give you some time to prepare (physically and mentally) for a party. You wouldn't have to go anywhere, and you could kick everyone out whenever it suited you. Let your socialite friend know he can invite a few others along, so you can meet new people and socialize some. The new people might be better at giving you advance notice of parties. Best of all, if no one shows up... so what.

going to parties is fun, even if you are dead sober. If nothing else you can laugh at stupid drunk people, and all the hot girls will talk to you when your friends are too drunk to do anything.

One strategy I heard about somewhere for dealing with parties, is to insist on having a fixed task. Preferably something that's a science (e.g., gathering empty beer cans) rather than an art that involves interacting with people (e.g, walking around distributing cocktail weenies). That way, you're free from the travail of social skills while still being around a party.

For a larger party, one task to volunteer for if you're good at it, is to be the official photographer. However, make sure to have some kind of hat or badge identifying you as such; people are far less likely to be bitten by the Aspie Bug if they see you in some "official" capacity.