Outgoing and friendly?

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So many personal ads of women looking for men that I read say "He must be outgoing and friendly" or something with those words. Being who I am, I'm almost the opposite. I'm definately very quiet and introverted and while not unfriendly and mean, I wouldn't fall into the "friendly" category either.

I can really see the benefit in being "outgoing and friendly" and would like to be able to be this.

I've done some self-help things, but obviously not enough.

I know this is a very general and vague subject but does someone offer suggestions?

Ignore that part?

If you have a lot of other good qualities, maybe they'll be able to look past the fact that you're not 'outgoing and friendly'.

And you can also keep working on it a bit.

Don't however be too suprised if you get rejected, (possibly angrily) though.


Or you could try and find some Introverted women. Alas they tend to be hard to notice and are frequently not interested in relationships.

*mutter-stabs*

Yeah,

They are all clones of the same person.



For a while I had an ad that said "I'm not outgoing, and I don't love meeting new people."
Believe it or not I actually got a few responses. No one I was really interested in though.

I think you're right! They are all clones!

What do they really mean by fun loving and outgoing anyways? I love to have fun too, but my definition of fun may not be the same as an NTs definition of fun. But if you say you're fun loving (because you love having fun doing what ever it is you do), then you'd be telling the truth.

I love fun. Who doesn't ?
And going out ? Well sure. I go out to eat all the time.
I also go out into the wilderness to be alone occasionally, does that count ?

Making small talk with random strangers or friends of a friend. That's another story.



Ok this is from an actual ad.

Half the ads I read say almost exactly the same thing.

That's because alot of people in any "Group" can be said to be very similar, and yes that means even here, I mean that's why we're in this group right? We've got things in common, it's just that what you're talking about is the majority and not the minority so as you might guess the majority has statistically more chances of having things in common and are more common whereas the minority is less common. (This seems like common sense to me but you know what the old guy says "Common sense is not so common" sad but true)

i actually want to be outgoing and friendly. and i'm not just talking about in the sense of meeting partners. everywhere. i think by this, i'd have many more opportunities and be a lot healthier and more wealthy.

I just think people that say "outgoing and friendly" are just trying to say in a nice way they don't want a reclusive sourpuss, so don't bother responding to my ad if you are one.
I know thats what I would do.

Yeah, it's just a personal annoyance of mine. Because it doesn't really give much information, it just says "I'm cool and normal."

As far as actually becoming outgoing and friendly, you might try taking on some challenges that will force you to engage people in conversation. I know I was a lot more friendly when I was working sales. Some days I just decide to see what little things will do, like making a point to smile at the cashier when I am checking out.

I can do it if I really try, I can be that outgoing friendly guy, but if I get into a relationship with someone based on that act then eventually that person will be disappointed. And I don't just mean romantic relationships.

Personal adds are a bad idea for relations. It may work for friendships, but you'd be better getting in a relationship (if you are introveted in any way) by friends hooking you up. You need to build friendships. First a few pointers if you are looking at adds or you are going to put out one.

"outgoing and friendly" is a meaningless phrase, especially when the person uses it to describe themselves. Often, when a person describes themselves as "outgoing and friendly" with little other information, it's because they actually don't know of anything else positive to say about themselves, so they lop down something generic. For an NT, this could mean that they have the personality of cardboard -- Even an aspie with no social skills will have things they like that they can talk about, but NT's without social skills don't have much of anything going for them.

This is why spacemonkey's add got responses. They probably made several broad assumtions as to why he would say something different like that -- invarably thinking he was probably somewhat funny. The point is that the add was different, and that's why it caught someone's eye.

If the person who put out the add said they are looking for someone "outgoing and friendly", lets be honest; These people are looking for something that they may not be and may never find because they are looking for it in the wrong place -- and the dangerous thing is that THEY DON'T GET EITHER OF THOSE THINGS. Don't feel rebuffed, because you are probably not missing out in these cases.

The best way to find a new friend is a common specific interest. That's what you should list in the add. Even if it's an off the wall hobby, be specific -- that weeds out all the people who aren't going to be interested in your special interest (because let's face it, you're going to talk about it).

Another suggestion is an Aspie group. I found one in my city searching by accident on Google. Remember that these days, everyone has a website. So if there is an aspie group in your city (and why not, because I did find one in Birmingham, Alabama) then you could probably find it that way. Don't go there advertizing just to find a friend, but if you go you might meet someone and they could take you in.

After that, friends often bring you more friends (again, because of common interests). And many of the skills you develope with friends is applicable to relationships later on.

I do industrial work and I have been in college part time for 11 years as a computer engineering student. My lack of social skills is the only thing keeping me from a better job. I hate parties, so how do I improve the social networking and social skills I need?

You know what helped me? Living in the dorm in college, being forced to be around lots of people I didn't know... That and previously reading lots of books on proxemics, body language, facial expression, and then watching people. But I really got lucky in how I gained friends. But I don't know if you can put yourself in such similar circumstances. How old are you?

Care to recomend some books? [email protected]

Hey Mordy, sorry it took so long to respond. I started reading about these topics when I was in highschool and put it into practice observing people immediately. It's been numerous years since, and I couldn't tell you any specific titles off the top of my head, since I've long since built over any knowledge I needed from these books. But I can help guide you through the first steps.

The first topic I would recommend to any aspie is proxemics. I've noticed some aspies have varying degrees of ability to read nonverbal cues, even if we all start with no ability (unlike NT's). Some can learn very detailed stuff. Some act like they don't even believe body language exists, like it's magic or something. Proxemics is the study of social distances we keep from other people and that they keep from us. It's a good, clearly visible, mechanical indicator of a lot of things. It's even visible to those can't see most unspoken social cues. It's a pretty universal topic too, probably not having changed much since I first read about it. The only time it really varies is across cultural boundaries or in more tactical uses (like law enforcement interview and interrogation tactics).

Now, in the event that you are one of those who have some level of sense in this ability, you are probably going to ask, "Shouldn't I move on to the next stage?" No. NT's learn this skill passively, aren't completely aware they have it and read it in more abstract ways than analytical;

1. This will help you build on the other skills if you go that far. Body language and the other stuff take more guess work (because of more abstract visuals). This gives you more hard information later on to make educated guesses by when you see something you are trying to interpret.

2. In case you either don't go any further or while you are on your way; With NT's not being completely aware of the skill (passive) and on an abstract dimension, they often send out signs that they aren't aware of. So if you sharpen your awareness of proxemic distances and movements, you'll be consciously aware of it and you'll tend to notice things that many NT's won't necessarily realize. This might mean an edge for most people, but in the case of an aspie who can't read the more abstract stuff at all, it at least gives you some compensating level of perception which you didn't have before.

Being a pretty standardized topic and having the internet, you'll probably be able to find far more stuff on proxemics than what I had at my disposal when I started. Start your seach here and if it wets your appetite, come find me and I'll tell you where to search next and advise you on how to apply some things (I'll also answer questions based on experience).