Why can't I be normal?

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Lately, I seem to be going bat-s**t crazy. I look at my past failures in social interaction, all the times I drove people away with my deviant behavior, the talking to myself, making weird faces, pacing back and forth... not to mention the few friends I did have that were driven away by my tears, my constant dependency on them to help me through the rough times, and my ever-present sense of negativity toward my own life. I can't help but think that maybe I would feel a much bigger desire to live if I didn't have f**king AS.
This disorder is like a tumor that I can't get rid of. I hate feeling like I'm always going to be a reject from society. I want more out of life. I want the chance to have a normal life, with normal friends. Throughout high school, it seemed the only people who wanted to associate with me were the bottom rung, the immature, mentally stunted outcasts, society's garbage that no one wanted. I'm sick of it. Why should I just take the s**t that's been dropped on my platter and run with it? Most people don't realize how good they have it.
It's always seemed that perfectly desirable people walk by me, without so much as a glance. Respectable people, with direction in life, not some social ret*ds who've probably ended up working at Burger King after they graduated/dropped out of high school. Why can't I hang with the cool kids and learn their ways? I'm sick of being in the rafters with the freaks of nature.
A long time ago, a girl said to me, "If you don't change, you will end up on the streets, in the ghetto, addicted to booze and drugs. I have seen it, and that's where you're headed if you don't change your ways." I wonder what's wrong with change? Why don't I do it? Do I have something to lose in doing so? Or perhaps I'm afraid that it won't feel right? Why must I hate myself so much? I just see tons of Aspies who are just proud to be who they are! They shun any notion of what's normal! So why do I feel like my Asperger's is killing any chance I have at being a regular person? Why is my disorder the big, nasty weed in the garden that won't come out no matter how hard I pull?

Finding the right freaks really helped me. But I sure didn't find them in high school. High school sucked. It got better afterwards.

Believe me, I know how you feel.

When I found out that I had AS and that it was not curable and I would never be normal I cried for the rest of the day.

I always used to say that my only wish was to wake up and be normal.

But now there is a single question mark?

Would I want to be normal if I didn't have my special skills as a result?

I loathe AS and often feel anxious and depressed and would give anything to be rid of it but the truth of the matter is, that we just have to try to make the best of what we have despite AS. It's easier said than done and I know that it doesn't help but I think all we can do is take whatever help we can get for issues where help is available and try to either overcome or adapt to the rest.

There seems to be no alternative

I have a rough time dealing with that myself therefore I am addicted to a MMORPG and I'm going blind doing so. It's my way of escaping the ugliness of society. Although this is probably all fantasy but maybe in a decade or so there might be medical advances to surpress the problems caused by Autism or AS. It's always good to have hope.

I'm not very emotional but I know how you feel. I always think of what could have been? I've thought of the friends I've could have had, the girlfriends I've could have had but in the end, I just suck it and move on. That's all you can do. I've learned to accept my differences. I have to accept it because it's never going away for the time being anyways.

Yeah, I guess there could hope but I like to work on the assumption that there is not.

There must be a medical way to suppress AS because alcohol temporarily suppresses aspects of it.

In the meantime we just have to focus on making the best of what we have.

I think we all have times like that. I've lost track of the number of times I've wanted to be your average, everyday NT.
After just over ten years of having a diagnosis, people are finally telling me about the kind of help I can get other than extra time on exams. I don't know what my special abilities are yet, and it seems there are still limitations I'm finding, too.

The one thing I'd ditch, given the chance, is the problem with social skills. 90% of my problems are down to that. I've tried so hard to overcome it, but there's always something that goes slightly wrong.

How do you make the best of this? It's not a situation of my own making... it's not something I ever wanted or asked for... just something I've had thrust upon me and will never be able to get rid of - just like everyone else here.

The only way to make the best of the situation is to try to find out what you are good at and try to make a success of that.

I think most people with AS have some special skills, usually good memory and a talent for systemising and often computers.

I guess part of it too, is that we have to try to learn to accept our limitations. Easier said than done, I know.

I honestly don't know whether I will ever be able to make lots of friends, fall in love, or enjoy being touched, or have kids but sometimes I just think that maybe I'm just not meant to and I have to concentrate on what I am meant to do instead.

Truthfully, I don't think it's possible to overcome the social skills problem but it probably is possible to find other like-minded people who we can get along with.

I guess accepting that there is not much hope is the only way.

I think having AS isn't that bad really and don't listen to that girl about ending up on the streets. I remember someone describing the condition as like being left handed and feel this is right. You might stand out a bit and go about things in life differently but you can still achieve just as much as anyone else.

That must be a different kind of AS!

If I had to choose between being left-handed for the rest of my life or AS I would choose left-handed any day of the week!

I don't understand how being pretty much incapable of making normal conversation, being uncomfortable making eye-contact, having limited understanding of other people's intentions (sometimes to the point of putting myself at risk), being clumsy, having incompetent auditory processing, severe hypersensitivity to touch, being incapable of feeling love, having no sexual attraction, being anxious and depressed and fatigued from confronting all of the above on a regular basis and then on top of that having people call me weird because they can't understand why I am how I am can possibly be comparable to being left handed!

Whilst I readily admit that there are certain advantages to AS, I find AS more and more debilitating the longer I have to put up with it and it's unlikely that I will be able to achieve as much as anyone else my age because although I hope to achieve something in terms of my career I'm not convinced that I will be able to overcome my social, emotional and sensory issues enough to be able to have a family like most people seem to be able to.

I think there are more issues to overcome than people give us credit for and part of living with AS is learning to cope with all that and accepting that maybe there are some things I won't be capable of.

I too hate and despise my Asperger's. It's a roadblock to all avenues of happiness. I'm 30 years old. I live with my mother, I have a job I don't like that doesn't pay very much, I have no friends anymore. Most of my interests and hobbies require other people to participate and since I don't have friends, I don't get to do them. None of my interests can be applied to any sort of career. I can't focus on or retain information on subjects I don't find interesting which makes it really hard, if not impossible, to learn new career skills. I am horrible in social situations that aren't centered around my few interests. I am horrible at managing money. I honestly worry about myself when I'm old and have no family and no savings and am unable to work due to health reasons.

That's more how I feel Bataar!

When I first joined Wrong Planet I kinda hated it the way that a lot of people seem so comfortable with AS and some even like it.
My psy says they're just further along the line than I am.
I am trying to find ways to improve the situation but it just ain't quite that simple.

Roadblock to all avenues of happiness too right

Last edited by Marsian on 27 Aug 2009, 9:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It is a rather large spectrum and unfortunately, I seem to be on the deeper end of it than a lot of people here who claim to be happy with their AS. I've also noticed that people who claim to be happy with their AS also have interests that facilitate good careers. If I found IT stuff interesting, that would be great. I'd learn as much as I can, and get a well paying job doing something I'm interested in. Because I don't have any interests that translate to money making opportunities, I'm kind of screwed.

True, there is a lot of diversity even between everyone on Wrong Planet.
I think it depends what combination of traits you have how much it affects you.
And also depends how early you were diagnosed.

I didn't think that I found IT interesting until I decided to study music tech at uni purely because I'm obsessed with music, and always have been. Then I found out that I had a natural talent for IT and science stuff through studying music tech. Sometimes interests have more potential than you first think.

I know that I'll still find it hard though, even if I do get a job because I always run into trouble at work because I just don't know when to keep my mouth shut! Still, my (undiagnosed AS) Dad has been 'made redundant' from pretty much every job he's ever had and made good money from the payouts so there is always hope if they wanna get rid of us that bad hehe!

The way I was used to really get to me.
So I fought myself.
So I despised myself.
But it's just me in here.
I can't kick me out.
I turned me into a nightmare.
An inescapable nightmare.
So much of me was spent on trying to destroy me.
And I found the reason for loathing myself was that I loathed myself.
I found the reason I wanted to destroy myself was that I wanted to destroy myself.

You try to do things, and be like everyone else, and let yourself down.
You punish yourself because you're not like everyone else.
It doesn't flow for you like it does for them.
It seems so simple for them, they take it for granted.
They take it so for granted they think you are doing it on purpose.
They blame you, and you blame yourself.

But do you think they punish themselves constantly?
They don't punish themselves do they?
They don't tear themselves to pieces.
They have these abilities that we can't really grasp.
You have abilities they cannot grasp.
But they don't tear themselves to pieces.

There is one good way that you can be like most people.
Stop tearing yourself to pieces.
Stop hating yourself.
It is the source of your greatest problem.

Every moment you hate yourself is useless.
Don't worry about your future.
Don't worry about your past.
They have no meaning if you spend every moment hating yourself.

You cannot achieve anything in self loathing.
Don't look for stupid reasons to lessen yourself.

***If you hate yourself so much, then why do you care so much about hating yourself?***

No-one else cares about these reasons as much as you do.
But they may care you spend so much energy looking for them.

Next time you do something, and F it up, don't shred yourself.
Be ready to not punish yourself.
Put effort into stopping yourself from hurting yourself.
Tell yourself, "If I F this up, I have only F'd it up if I shred myself for it"
It's like dominoes, don't let the first one bump into the next one.
Be comfortable to take a pause to compose yourself if needed
If the dominoes start, stop it as soon as you realise.
Take a break if you need to, but not to sulk, just to recompose and pull yourself together.
You don't need to push yourself.
Tiny steps..
Your mission, now and forever, is to stop your self loathing.
Be alert of what you are thinking and take charge of that.

Put effort into not punishing yourself.
Do things you normally do, but with the main goal of being aware of and stopping self loathing.
Don't worry about where it's all going to lead.
Don't worry about your life.
Don't worry about any other result, or have any other expectation than escaping your own hate.
Don't judge yourself, or anyone else, just focus on doing these little things and not hurting yourself.
That is the important bit, just that one thing.
You don't even have to pep yourself up or try to make yourself feel great.
Do normal boring stuff, one day at a time, and be aware of how much harm you're saving yourself from.
Just stop yourself from destroying yourself.

Every moment you hate yourself is useless.
Don't worry about your future.
Don't worry about your past.
They have no meaning if you spend every moment hating yourself.

If you succeed in escaping self loathing, another world will be yours.

But what exactly is there that will keep me from hating myself? There's a reason people don't hate themselves for not having my special abilities: they know that they still have the ability to socialize, have friends and people who love them, and feel good about themselves overall. Having above-average proficiency in something is no reason to suddenly feel good about myself, because is it really worth having when you constantly feel like you repel everyone around you by simply doing what comes to you naturally? Hell, I'm supposed to only have mild AS, but I still feel this way. I hate constantly loathing the way I was born, but no matter how much I'm told to stop, I feel insulted, as though people think that I'm suddenly going to perk up if they keep harassing me about it. I'm told that I need to get out into the world and build my confidence by talking to people, but how do I build confidence if there is none to begin with? It's basically been shattered from the screwups I've had with friends in the past year.