My AS teen-did I do the right thing?

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Hello everyone.
I'm new to WP. My AS teen was dx'ed 11 yrs ago. As I researched it was very easy for my to understand the why of his AS. I understood his need for control, calm and prediction. I was ok with meltdowns and social anxiety. From a very early age I tried to generalize how he learned information. We went on many walks where I would ask him to watch me and he would then copy how to buy items, laundry, cook. I would do things hand over hand and verbalize each step. In public I would use subtle ways to point out non-verbal cues as I saw them, explain behavior and point out good and bad clothing styles on teens. Now he is a teen, just had his first summer job at his former camp (very safe and routine) he's in mainstream school and on the honor role. He's doing a great job at faking it b/c he still has AS and he always will. His high level thinking and logical approach are fine. He's into going to rock concerts (classic rock) and he and his friend-another social anxious teen, nonAS went to the largest stadium for a show by themselves. We looked at the stadium online and planned the routes and meet up exit. But at the end of his days he still likes to be alone here. Recently my friend asked me to do a show and tell parents what I did as my son was growing up. I believe parents need to actively show children how to do things, especially the very hard ones like role play and break down non-verbal cues. I never set out to cure him of AS, just give him the tools he needed. I would never speak for the AS community, but I have great respect for AS adults and I would like to hear your opinion. I know that every single person is different and not one way can work for all, but is the deliberate showing and explaining approach something I should think about teaching to others? Do you think it would have made a difference in your life.

Thank you for reading my post.

You sound like a very good mother. You made your kid's life easier. My mom never pointed out non verbal cues to me. But she did make me order my own food and she help me if I had trouble.

If someone had held their hand out to me when they saw I was failing miserably, my life probably wouldn't have been such a living hell. Hats off to you! You are a wonderful mother!

My mom was very similar to you with the non verbal cues, though sometimes she would just let me make my mistakes when she felt that it would be better if I learned those life lessons myself (and she would explain what I could have done better after the fact). My ability to learn mixed with her guidance has made me much more high functioning then I would ever be with somebody else - like with my father for example.
My mom babies me a little though, I'm a bit worried for when I move out - will I be prepared enough?

Welcome to the Wrong Planet! It sounds like you have done a good job. My mom told me when I did things that are "not normal" and did the best she could to teach me. I understand a lot of what is normal behavior, but I don't have a clue as to why it's normal or when the norm changes, etc.

Thank you for responding to my post. It hasn't always been easy between my son and I. Recently he was in a horrible mood when we went out to dinner together. It was a fancy little italian place that he knew well. He kept mumbling, that dad should be with us and it's inappropriate. After gentle asking didn't work I insisted on knowing why he believed this was inappropriate. He said "people were staring, it's too intimate, we look like we're dating". I told him he was right, that all of the components add up to his conclusion, expect that he did not factor certain variables that cancel his opinion. First I told him that we look exactly alike and the only conclusion a stranger would reach is that we are family. Second, that no matter how young I try to imagine myself it is obvious to the diners that there is a 20yr age diference. Our body language in no way suggests an intimate relationship. If people were glancing and not staring it's only because we're so good looking, .
Finally that our eating together is totally unremarkable and would be forgotten by the waitress as she forgets a 100 different people eating day in and day out. The waitress only thinks about us being at table 4 where she brings the chicken parm. I also told him he was hurting my feelings by giving his perceived feelings of strangers a higher priority than mine, therefore we should turn the situation around and watch the strangers and make opinions on them and what they are doing. I'm doing this because I know he wants to date, girls are rare around here for him and dining out for dessert with a girl should be as low anxiety as possible. I'm trying to get ready for the next phase of his maurity, but there is only so much a mom can do in that area. LOL

You sound like a great role-model for other people with AS family members and friends.

Hearing that before further conversing with your son, at his comfortability in the restaurant, you agreed with his reasoning and could see how he had come to his current conclusion before expanding on other POV's was exciting - this is a Hugely important element when trying to reach an AS individual. It is also a very convenient element when dealing with people civilly and Democratically, something a lot of the NT (non-pejorative usage) community could also use to learn.

Oh how much I would have wished that people, including my family, would have done that for me. I still have lots of time before I even finish High School, but you've done a really good job teaching him these things after seeing he had trouble with it. My imaginary glove is off to you.

Yea, it sounds like you're a fantastic parent for an AS kid. 5/5 Can I go back in time and be born to you?

Yes, that would have helped tremendously. The things you mention are things I've had to suffer through trials and many errors.

Thank you so much for your responses! It means a great deal to me as I constantly wonder if I am saying the right thing and if it is making a difference in his understanding. I know if we went to dinner again he would have a new anxiety to worry about, and that's ok because I have to take on his bigger worries so we can filter down to the more manageable ones and hopefully so of the ways we managed the larger issues will be helpful for the smaller ones.

I'm hoping to teach more parents that working on real life issues on an AS level is what is really needed. It really bothers me that more parents don't use this approach. I think NT parents are often 'fixed' on the wrong things most of the time and I think that only wastes time. Thank you all for responding to this thread, I hope to get to know everyone better from different posts.

Be well.

My mother is still so worried that I'm going to embarrass her in public. She is still hesitant about going out in public with me as older adults thinking I'm going to "intentionally" do something to make her look bad. It's great that you are doing all that to help him. He may not tell you outright "thanks" but your actions are appreciated.

Look forward to seeing you around Luna12. I'm sure you'll continue to bring a lot of incite and hope to this community.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Your son is very fortunate to have a mother who deconstructs situations for him, and who honors his point of view.

My mom did the same with me, but in the pre-diagnosis era, so I was 'unique' not AS. She taught me how to read body language, since I wasn't very good with faces, for example, and always seemed interested in how I reached conclusions, no matter how strange my reasoning was. And she taught me lots and lots of rules, and exposed me to lots of varied real-life situations. Eventually I had enough information to make cognitive models that work just as well as intuition. But it wouldn't have happened without my mom breaking it down for me and helping me build the foundations, stone on stone.

So Yes, you should help teach other parents.

By the way, when I read about your sons reaction to eating in the 'fancy' restaurant with you, I could relate, and it showed that he's understanding the social role of dining out. That it's not about the food <grin>.

When I saw the title, I thought it was going to be something controversial, or that you tried to do but didn't turn out well.
Of course you should teach others about what you did. Things aren't the same for everybody, but I don't really see how any of the things you did could be completely wrong for anybody. Maybe if the parent didn't know when things were getting too overwhelming for the kid, too much information.. but I guess you'd be teaching them to back off when the kid is getting too much, too?
One thing I have to point out is that it would be a lot less effective for parents who have aspie traits themselves. I have trouble imagining my mother pointing out nonverbal cues to me, because she's not good with them herself.