Yep, I spend way too much time at home, since I don't have a job, am currently paused with college until further notice, and I only have one in-person friend who is almost always too busy to see me. But I did see her the other day, and spent the night, and we also did some shopping and saw a movie with her boyfriend and his friend. I had a great time. I felt so normal but still myself. But that night that I was there, I couldn't sleep for so long. I was thinking of something that usually makes me happy but in this case it made me quite heart broken and I found myself crying for a while before I would fall asleep.
The point I am trying to make, and that I realise, is that, whether I'm at home or out, it makes no difference - the main thing that happens is that when I'm occupied, and doing something, I'm having a good time concentrated on that. But when I am alone with my own thoughts, they are negative, lonely, painful thoughts - maybe about friendships, or romance, or career, or lost pet, or wanting to get out of here, or all of the above sometimes.... When I am alone, I think. And I have a negative mind. So, usually I stay at home, because I'm lazy and where do I go, I can watch TV, play videogames, lots of things on the PC and internet to do. But when I go out, I find myself feeling even more alone and sad, because I am alone amoungst society - I can see everyone and their relationships and I feel so sad. So usually I don't go out. But on the otherhand, sometimes I do enjoy going out because I can get some good food, and I can buy things, and I might even find myself talking to the bored clerk in EB games, etc. Sometimes I just need a break from my usual surroundings, so I go shopping. Oh and I'm supposed to be going to the gym, but thats been a huge waste of money for me and I never go....
I really need to improve my life though. If I had more reasons to get out, I would appreciate my home life even more, and I would be enjoying real life instead of trying to ignore it and escape from it at every chance. This is really hard for me to succeed at so far. I'm really lost.