Any thoughts on being a better 'confidant?'

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This one has me kind of stumped.

I'm a pragmatic person. Normally, if I want to talk about a problem, it's because I need help figuring out how to solve it. Thus, when someone I know comes to me with a problem, my first instinct is to make pragmatic suggestions. Because most of the people I know either are Aspies or are relatives of Aspies, normally, this works out just fine -- if that's not what they want, they just say so, and then I listen more quietly and just say, "Uh-huh" or "Okay" every now and then so they know I'm still awake.

Of my roughly four friends, however, one is decidedly not an Aspie. I routinely tick him off by offering suggestions when he just wants me to listen, so now I try to check that tendency -- but when I don't say anything intelligible, he feels hurt, because he thinks I'm not listening.

Sometimes I'll say things like, "I don't know what to say," which seems to be about the worst thing possible, so I try not to say that anymore.

Does anyone have any pointers on how to listen to someone who just wants to blow off some steam without annoying said person?

Oh, one more thing. This is primarily a problem I have on the phone (and part of why I absolutely hate talking on the phone). In person, I am better at keeping my mouth shut, because I can do nice things for people who are having a bad time, like getting them drinks or surprising them with a brownie or whatever. That way, they know I'm listening and that I care.

Listen to them.
Understand what it is they're saying, saying only things that agree, eg
"...and then she said that blah blah blah blah"
"Yeah, sometimes it can be hard to get through to people"
Sometimes people don't want a solution, they just want someone to acknowledge their thoughts and feelings.

Mostly in that kind of situation people will outwardly ask you if they want a suggestion.

My solution has been to ask questions in response instead of trying to give answers:

"What makes you believe that?"
"Are there other alternatives?"
"Do you want my opinion?"
"Is this the result you want?"

Also, repeating back to them what has been said - not in the exact words, but in the manner in which you have understood the content - has been a beneficial tactic to use.


M.

Makuranososhi speaks truth.

Sometimes when people are extremely distressed, their emotions become an unbearable weight and they want to externalize (or dump) their thoughts and feelings onto another person to get them outside of them, which is an immense relief all by itself. What they usually want you to do (as you sit there bewildered) is to help them make sense of their own feelings, by paraphrasing what they said to them, and building a sort of structure for them to hang their thoughts on, so they can look at them clearly. Your role is not necessarily to solve their problem for them; rather you are there to be a sort of shelf for them to arrange their thoughts upon.