Should we change?

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Ive been reading these forums a lot lately and I see fair amount of depressed people, about their situation, there is partial "solution" to this which involves social therapy. If you choose to take that route, I have a question: why should you, shouldn't people just accept us the way we are, and we shouldn't have to conform to their social standards." As you most likely know that its not that easy, and people without friends want to change, to blend myself included. Additionally, by conforming one does not let their disability define them as a person. So should we change, or should people let the colors bleed and accept us?

There's no "should" on adapting -- you can choose to adapt or not, or adapt how you want, but whatever choice you make comes with consequences and you are choosing those too.

One poster recently described a habit of pacing and muttering to himself. I've done quite a lot of that in my life myself, so it sounds totally normal to me. But when I do it, I make sure I'm alone. Pacing and muttering in public makes people fearful because that also a sign of conditions and states of mind that could indicate the person might be violent.

So if you choose to pace and mutter in public, you are choosing the consequences that it might frighten and alienate people. If you choose to only do it in private or not at all, you get around that, but you are also choosing the consequences of needing to find replacement behaviors for whatever the pacing and muttering were accomplishing.

As to whether or not others "should" adapt to Aspie behaviors -- well, the reason they don't already is because it often creates extra work for them. There are ways around that, but the Aspie needs to be proactive about it. For example, say you need to sit in the back row at the movie theater because otherwise you get edgy. There's nothing wrong with that, but going to the theater with a group and not telling anyone until after you've bought tickets that you have this need creates a big headache for everybody about figuring out where to sit without splitting up the group more than necessary. But when someone invites you to a movie, you could tell them you'd love to, but you need to sit in the last row, and since that might be a headache, you'll understand if they'd rather go with someone else. If you're nice about it in this way, people will often cheerfully adapt. Sometimes you'll get a whole group agreeing to go really early just so you can all sit in the back row together.

NTs do this with special needs of others all the time. If A is coming in the group going to a restaurant, we need to pick one with a wheat-free option. If B is joining us in the cafeteria, we save her a seat on the end of the table because she's left-handed and that way she can eat without banging elbows with the person next to her, and so on.

The big difference is in how you ask for accommodation. If you suggest a solution and are cheerfully willing to bow out so as not to be a hassle if your accommodation isn't available, the kinder sorts of people will be pretty cheerful about making it work. (And you don't want to hang out with the meaner ones anyway.) If you demand others do things your way, they'll probably decide they don't want to bother.

On the job or at university, it's really important to remember that it's *your* job to figure out how to get your work done, not someone else's. For example, if you need to write professional-sounding reports but you have truly appalling spelling, it's your job to work out whatever redundant strategies it takes to make sure your work has been checked enough times to catch all the errors before it gets turned in. If a better spell-checker program or a dictation program will improve the quality of your work, there's nothing wrong with researching the options and asking for what you need, but it is wrong to expect that someone else will excuse your spelling or take care of correcting it for you. The same is true for other such needs.

no,
we shouldn't,
a friendless and solitary existence against all odds is much more difficult and challenging than any attempt to blend in but as more of us will stick to what we really are society will have to change in order to accept us,
by conforming u let your disability define u because then u accept the majority view of u as a disabled and so in need of a fixing individual
by sticking to what your senses and logic is telling u even when everyone else tells u that your inner voice and unique outlook is part of your disability u promote a much needed social and personal change
at least that what i feel and that how i lived for most of my life and i must say that in most cases times proves me right
i never forced any thing to blend or to do any thing else
i just live my life waiting patiently for someone who can get me
wish NT would have this kind if tolerance and patience but the don't and there is no way i will adopt their bad,unjust and stupid behaviurs
i'd rather die alone

Yes and no. There are some things we should change to make our lives easier and to reduce the bullying. It give kids less reasons to bully us. It's like this for everyone.

My mom had to change her ways for my brother. If she yells at him, he won't listen so now she talks to him in her nice voice. You can't even tell she is mad because she isn't yelling and she doesn't sound angry. Sometimes we have to follow someones standards to make it easier both you and that person. If my mom refused to follow my brother's standard, she wouldn't get anywhere with him. Yelling bothers him so much, he shuts it out so when Mom yells. All he hears is the yelling, not the words so he doesn't learn from it. So Mom had to change her way to get him to listen.
So yeah people would have to change their ways for us by being more specific and more clear, not expect us to read them or look at them in the eye. They would have to be straight with us or direct. Even normal people have to change their ways for someone and my mom and my brother are an example for that.

Stimming, if it's bothering people we shouldn't keep on doing it and find another stim to do that isn't disturbing. Think of our sensory issues and things we can't stand people do. Well normal people have their sensory issues and that is pacing, rocking your chair, pencil tapping, that is distracting for lot of people and how fair is it for us to expect them to deal with our stims if we refuse to deal with theirs? Think about it. It's like a war here between us and them. They want us to follow their standards and we want them to follow ours when it comes to stimming. The only solution I can think of is not doing them in the classroom or do something quiet in your seat that won't make sounds. It was hard for me to not pace in class and what would happen when I was forced to sit, head down and I fall sleep. I was bored because I was not allowed video games or music to keep me awake. I get tired from boredom. There was never a solution for that part between me and the teachers. Even my mom had told them it's something I need to do to stay awake and they didn't follow it because it bothered other kids.


You're right about that we should be accepted for who we are but it's not all black and white. If someone joked all the time and did lot of sarcasm, if it bothers someone such as us because it makes it harder for us to know when he or she is serious, they should follow our standard by not doing it to us but he or she can still do it to everyone else. My ex would never respect that about me so he kept on doing teasing. He thought I had to get used to it because it was "who he is." I never told him he had to stop, just don't do it to me I said.

About our obsessions, we shouldn't have to bore people out by talking about them and expecting people to listen and talk about it with us. Would you want to listen to something you aren't interested in? Talk about them sometimes but not all the time but also listen to that person too when they talk about something. It's courtesy.

If any of you guys want to integrate into a burning house, be my guest. I would rather let it burn some more, however.

it's not that i choose to do it as some time i need to do it
perhaps because like many AS i think with my whole body and associate problem solving with some kind of motion
i must say that people around me,at the work space and family space, learned to accept that with out fear
I'm not violent and never was
the public space is constantly changing and learn to adapt and accept behaviors that where unheard of previously
my intentions are good and constraining my self is very hazardous to me health and hinder my development
pacing ans muttering doesn't constitute a crime and doesn't impose any threat on anyone space
it may invoke fear on the more uptight and conforming NT types but i refused to subject my soul to the primitive and dark perception of the NT environment

I'm not changing any part of myself, to fit in with any group or, or society, for that matter. Besides, I've already changed over the past 2 months.

I'm not changing any part of myself, to fit in with any group or, or society, for that matter. Besides, I've already changed over the past 2 months.

Now that attitude I just can't understand, because it's logically inconsistent. You want people to have compassion for your needs, but you don't want to have compassion for theirs. That inconsistency is what sounds primitive and dark to me.

Oh my goodness, no! I have heard this enough times over time that I can't deny it: never change for anybody.
This applies to everybody, from all walks of life and all circumstances.
Anyone who doesn't like you as you are, whether you are an Aspie or a neuro, isn't worth trying to please; if you do change, you'll just be someone you're not, and it will be completely uncomfortable.

No, you shouldn't change. If the haters don't like you then they can take a leap. In fact, I bet they want to be as unique as you!

First off thanks to all for the responses its greatly appreciated. I think that the issue is that we don't understand them, by conforming, we would get a better understanding why they act they way they do, I for one love to learn, I think another plague that really that severs our understanding of NT's is the hate that we give them because they are different as well. I think the best action is let them understand us, and let us understand them. Sure, you'll have the select few that are a$$holes, but I think for the most part the best course of action is spread knowledge, and to get knowledge as well.

logic and consistency might not be what u imagined it to be
life is complex
i don't expect everyone to understand me and have compation for me
we have long long long way before we even get close to the ideal world u imagine yourself to live in
and the road to that beautiful and ideal world goes through people lerning to respect and accommodate each other uniqueness
i'm realistic and and my wishes and expextations are to get one individual to get me not the whole world or my immediate suroundeing anywhere or any time
I'll live such sentiments to the return of Christ or any other utopic vision(i have plenty of them)
as an AS i learned to accept the fact that most people would misinterpret me most of the time (it's no coincidence that this site goes by the name of Wrong Planet)
Me catering to any passer by expectation doesn't guarantee a compassionate treatment but a twisted and agonizing existence
to accommodate and respond to the limitless unique psychological structures around you constitute the shortest way to hell
be yourself and hope someday,someone would recognize u as u really are
then u can spread your views on the world and society via any artistic or scientific or any other way u like
this things are better done through inspiration and from a safe distance and not by conforming to the madness that surround us

I'm not changing myself into something people are comfortable with, I'm staying with the self I am comfortable with

You can't change others, you can only change yourself. It is a matter of finding a balance between adapting to others and being yourself you are most comfortable with.

I see no harm in attempting to change ourselves

The way I see it, attempting to "conform" or at least blend is simply a way of functioning in socity as opposed to an attempt to change one self. It's a nice thought to think that AS and NT could find a middle ground to work from, the problem is that we are a minority. As a minority we can't afford to just assume everyone else needs to change to suit us.

Yes... blending in to those around you is exhausting, thats why I don't do crowds, unless I have to. But in the long run I find it makes things easier. Just my 2 cents.