safety net technique

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On a different thread (social no man's land) I talked about social interactions being like walking a tight rope. In the communication from point A to point B, from myself to another person, I feel like I'm walking a tight rope. I'm disoriented, anxious, nervous, like there's no ground under my feet.

A couple days ago I remembered a mindfulness technique from a self-help book. It was about imagining a safety net underneath you as a way of getting through a crisis. If you borrow this idea and combine it with the tight rope analogy, I'm wondering if it could be potentially useful for Aspies.

Next time you're nervous about talking to somebody, first picture a safety net between you and them. Realize that if you screw up, it's OK, normal, not a big deal. That should help with confidence- in theory anyway. I'm thinking out loud with this and haven't tried it myself yet.

As an idea in progress, can you think of some ways to improve on it?

Yeah, realizing that mistakes are only mistakes, and that they don't really matter. One of my aspie friends gave me some great advice once: "don't worry if you think you sound weird to people, everyone is just so absorbed in themselves, they won't notice much about the way you are."

I never saw it like that before, but after experimenting for a while, I'm pretty sure he's right

This thread reminds me of a beautiful Jewish song "Kol Ha'olam Kulo", with the original lyrics in Hebrew. If you attend any Jewish event, you will almost always hear it being sung. Here's the English translation.

The whole world it is
A very narrow bridge.
The most important
Is not to be afraid.

Check out <url>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaaJTmt4hws</url>
I'm not posting an actual link to avoid the possibility of Google finding it through links.

If you begin to talk to somebody, instead of seeing it as a chance to mess up, maybe see it as a chance to practice. Perhaps it's naiive to think that practice will one day lead to perfect social interaction, but certainly it won't hurt. With practice you might eventually find certain patterns in mistakes and successes. Also listen to how other people talk, and maybe you could eventually emulate them.

Personally I see the imagery of the safety net - I don't see that as something useful because you've still fallen. We're not talking about death here, just awkward mishaps. Like robinhood said - people probably don't notice as much as you. I think approaching social interactions in the context of practice has put me at ease a little more, and the more at ease you are, the more likely you are to not fall of the "tightrope".

I'd just like to add to this that there is no perfect social interaction among anyone really, everyone messes up a bit, says things a bit wrong or gets interpreted wrong.. Even NTs. Shyness can be a real problem for some too. I work together with a NT guy who is just deeply shy to the point where it makes him nervous to greet you in the mornings when you enter the office. We can all suffer some confidence problem so when you're walking the tight rope, remember that none of us are walking on a broad freeway, we all fear messing things up, it is to some degree normal I think.

The idea is to take people who are socially awkward and unsteady and help them gain confidence. But it's good criticism because you point out the downward focus of imagining a safety net. So with that in mind I'll brainstorm some more and try to change the focus. How about three steps:

First, think about what you want to say and how you'll say it.
Then picture the safety net to remind you that it's Ok if you don't say it exactly how you want.
Then after speaking, focus on the other person- for example their tone of voice and nonverbal cues like facial expression.

That way the focus moves outward which should also help because then you're not too focused on yourself.

"Radical acceptance" sounds close to this concept......

It is about accepting the situation, not fighting against the uncomfortable feelings, but rolling with them......"taking them with you" for want of a better expression....

Knowing that all is good, and if it isn't with the other person, then they have the option of leaving or you can leave........such a liberating concept!

It is hard though.......it takes ALOT of energy.......or it does for me.

Take care,

Mics