The need for friends (or lack of)

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As I have got older, I will be 27 a week today, I have become less bothered about friendships and being popular. I work full time which saps alot of my energy, because I am having to interact with people all day and by the time I get home I just want to recluse, smoke cigarettes and indulge my interests. I am married and have a young daughter, so I am certainly not alienated in that regard...but I just don't want to go out and socialise these days beyond what I have at home. I can't be bothered. Is this a normal occurence? Does anybody on here associate with that? I feel that maybe if I was living alone the need for human contact may be greater, but then I also think that actually it probably wouldn't as I tend to find such contact excruciating.

I'm 37 and can certainly associate with what you are saying. I find trying to "fit in" exhausting. For years, I attended social situations because I thought that was what I was "supposed" to do. Honestly, the older I get the more I want to be home with my family and my music (my obsession )I especially find the two faces (or more) people wear to be irritating. For example, kissing up to people higher up on the social food chain. I sit back and observe my friends interacting and it just doesn't seem worth the effort to join in. Another example-I told a NT friend I bought a violin,she asked what I had been up to, I was just being honest- she said "You're a hoot" and changed the subject. Anyway, Just wanted to chime in and say that I understand where you are coming from.

Thanks for your reply. I was a little concerned as it seemed that the vast majority of people with AS and HFA want to socialise and fit in and seeing as I don't it led me to wonder if I had other issues going on. So thanks for sharing your experience with me.

If you really have Asperger's you're pretty darn lucky to have a full-time job and a daughter. BTW, it's extremely 'normal' for people working full-time to be knackered by the time they get home and just want to sit around and watch TV or listen to music. Most normal people do their socializing at the weekends, often when drunk.

I need a balance. If I don't have human contact at all, I will feel desperate for some human contact. If I am with the same person all day and I don't make much conversations with them, then it gets boring.

Well David I don't disagree that I am lucky to have a full time job, especially given the current economic climate. I would say though that I have had to work very hard to get to where I am at, after two very severe breakdown's where I was almost diagnosed with schizophrenia and was living in a rat infested bedsit and signing on. I only really care for my daughter, if I never saw my other family members again I would cope just fine. It's always been me on my own anyway. I could never dream of going to a pub to socialise or a club or anything like that. I prefer doing things on my own or taking my daughter to look at stadiums.

It's quite common even for NTs to drop friendships and whatnot when they move on to a different stage of life, especially their single friends when they get married. After all, the whole purpose of putting together a social structure of friends and allies is to endure the challenges and drama involved in finding a mate, and once that is accomplished, the structure has no purpose, although friendships may be continued anyway if there is any resource left over after adequately maintaining the mating relationship. It's a signal that a marriage is in trouble when someone wants a whole lot of new friends again, buys a motorcycle and would rather spend time with people other than the spouse.

It figures that some of our fellow posters on here say that their social difficulties don't bother them as much after they get married or find a significant other.

I had playmates as a child and sought to be included in groups while in school. Since graduating college, however, I have not pursued any social relationships. I spend time with my family and occasionally participate in activities with people who consider me a friend (mostly co-workers or former co-workers), but the desire to join does not come from me.

When I do join in it is usually because I understand it is expected of me and I don't wish to disappoint, or hurt the feelings of those people who are, in whatever way, important to me.

I don't doubt that I would enjoy having someone with whom I could share my interests, but I do not feel capable of the reciprocity required in a relationship that would require me to show interest in their other interests and activities.

Also, as stated by someone earlier, after spending all day working (in hellish customer service roles) my only desire is to completely isolate myself.

Personally, I go to school for a full 6 hours a day, and that is enough social interaction for me most of the time, so when it's all over I just like to chat online or just play video games all afternoon; I'm quite satisfied with it because I have had my fill of human interaction for a day... but when the weekend comes I don't mind hanging out with a friend! ^_^

I am a person with Aspergers and have a full time job with benefits as well. I can understand this subject totally. I work the evening shift, so that kind of puts a crimp on my socializing.

My want to socialize really depends. There are some days when I wish I had a friend that I could call or someone to do something with, other days I am content with finding things to do around the house.

Also, with friendships, I have learned that the older you get, your friendships become more like acquaintanceships/casual frienships, and less like the fiendships that you had when you were a child. Also, due to the fact that everyone is working, has a family, and other things to do can make it hard for you chat or get together with someone. Effort has to be put into reaching out, which is a difficult thing for those with Aspergers/autism. Add into this, relationships for people of the spectrum is a all or none situations, it is difficult for us to find the middle ground.

I have learned to find an organization, hobby or cause to get involved with. These can provide opportunities with events to get together with like minded people.

I remember getting ready to start preschool and my mum telling me how great it would be because I would make so many new friends. I told her I did not want to make any friends and she didn't believe me. I was telling the truth. Over the years, I've realised I just wanted someone to lecture to about my special intrests and boss around. My bearded dragon is my best friend and I don't need any of the human variety.