"Are you going out tonight?"

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This happens to be my first post on WP and i feel this subject is probably one of the most aggrivating, tedious and confusing subjects for me there is. Going out. I don't just mean like down to the shops for bread and milk. I currently attend college and will be turning 18 in a few days and this same thing keeps cropping up. All my 'friends' (people who i can tolerate in moderately short doses) go out to clubs and s**t almost every other day and i see the FaceBook pictures and wonder to myself... what is it you actually do there?

It looks like an attempt to blind and deafen your senses in one go whilst embarassing yourself in front of other people with the same intentions. Normally i wouldn't give it a second thought, but the way these people keep going on about it, how it's so fun etc keeps nagging away at me. Being the age i am you're some sort of freak if you have no friends and i would quite like to lead 'normal' life, if there is such a thing, so the logical step forward would be to go with them on their nights out occasionally.

So what i wanted to ask was if anyone here has been to a club and can tell me what it is you do. If i ever went, i get the impression i would probably stand there for a few minutes before getting extremely dazed and confused, then leave and not speak for the next 24 hours. Also, should i ever actually decide to attend one of these things, are their any tips? For instance, dancing to me is just ridiculous, unless it's something like ballet or those Fred Astair movies where they appear so elegant and majestic. Oh and sound... would probably be another big problem. Gah and the amount of people there too.. all touching. Crap. Maybe it's best i just never do it and become a hermit. Mmmmm hermit... the good life.

Anyone else in the same boat as me? Toodlepip!

i dont wanna pick girls up in bars, thats lame. i mean really, but what else is there?
i do like lame girls however

^^Yaye greetings Aspie_Hems, and a very warm welcome to WrongPlanet!*Blesses*

^^I do believe that I too am very scared of college. However, I do understand that other happy humans are different to myself and would certainly enjoy taking part in such activities. However I am very sorry as I believe I have visited a happy nightclub as I believe I would be very scared. ^^I believe the activities that the humans carry out is most possibly dependent on the humans in question. Alas, I do believe this may include dancing and also drinking very large amounts of alcohol.

However, if you wish not to visit nightclubs, I do believe this does not imply that you must become a happy hermit. ^^ I believe there are many activities that do not involve this and perhaps you may join a society at your University that you would enjoy.

^^On the other hand, I see no problem with being a hermit if this is what you enjoy.

I am very sorry if this was not of help for you.

Its been a few years since this was an issue, but that's pretty much how those places always affected me, so I didn't go. Fortunately, I had a job that gave me alternative ways of meeting girls. I would never have been able to talk to anyone under conditions like that anyway. Hell, how can you talk at all when the music's so loud you have to scream just to hear yourself? You gotta have brain damage to call that 'fun'.

I did have a few friends, however, most of whom I also met through work, because we all shared a common obsessive interest or two: music collecting among others. I socialized just fine hanging out at someone's house and talking music and books and movies and philosophy and metaphysics and stuff like that. I'm not recommending anything, just saying there are ways to have a life without 'going out' to public gathering places and acting like an inebriated monkey.

One of my friends ran sound for a local band and harassed me endlessly to come out to the bar and see them play. I think I went once for about thirty minutes. That was enough to last me a lifetime. Watching them rehearse at the singer's home was much more pleasant.



That's the conclusion I have ultimately come to. Besides, you can always meet women on the Internet.

Last edited by Willard on 04 Apr 2010, 5:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Haha Willard you seem like a decent bloke. I'd really love to have a group of friends that wasn't obsessed about getting drunk on a daily basis and instead preferred the 'sit at home and have a tea party' approach. I suppose as time goes by and my surroundings change, the people i meet will too, it's bound to happen. Problem is i'm quite... eccentric haha to say the least. Which i suppose is fine it's just when certain topics come up that i'm influenced by i can start going off like a fire cracker and have a tendency to push people away, then be the complete opposite the next day. I've built a 'mad but in a good way' reputation for myself.

Anyway! Slightly off topic but helpful nonetheless. *Looks at list* Righty then i can cross off going to gigs and stuff as i'm pretty sure it will never work.

When I was in college, I didn't really "do" the bar/club scene. But in Mississippi, the bar/club scene is one of the last remnants of the racial/culture divide, so suffice it to say it never would have been in my best interest or safety to hang out in one.

I didn't mind most bars. Bars were more for the locals, though, and once again not really the kinds of places college kids wanted to hang out. There were one or two that were popular with the kids, but that was about it back then. I was never one to stay up late dancing the night away.

Now, though, you might occasionally find me out at a bar until closing time because I play in a band. The last two times I did that I didn't drink very much because I was either sick or just had too far to drive to get home.

What I can't really handle is all the smoke. I could certainly do without that. For some reason, people who don't ordinarily smoke suddenly can't put their ciggies out when they're drinking.

In college, what I did instead was just hang out at different houses where my classmates gathered for drinking parties. The smokers usually gathered outside and--well, let's just say you didn't talk about what was going on in the back room! The drinking I didn't mind so much, but I never smoked or partook in back room activities.

Those were interesting days. If I wanted to hang out/hook up with someone, it was typically through less overwhelming and more stimulating situations. The weird kind of girls I liked being with didn't like the bars, either!

Welcome to WrongPlanet, and welcome to my time warp.

I have felt obligated to accompany people to bars and clubs that they find enjoyable. I do not enjoy any part of the experience. The vibrations from the music is awful, as well as the strobe lighting. Combine that with drunk, obnoxious, writhing people and it does not add up to a pleasant experience for me.

I remember my University days. When I first came out, the only way I had to meet people was on the bar/club scene, and I hated it. I don't drink and hated being drunk (given how much I hate losing control when sober, this is not that surprising), though one or two drinks does relax my inhibitions a little and probably helped me get started more than I realise. Bars are okay, unless they get especially crowded. Clubs, however, are ghastly.

I think, from observation, the idea of nightclubs is to become insensible enough to hook up with a complete stranger in order to get intimate with them before you come round again. This is achieved by a combination of alcohol, flashing lights, heavy bass noise, serotonin (from all the dancing) and, in extreme cases, various illicit substances. Your friends are probably equating a good time with being utterly unable to remember the previous night.

You're not alone in hating the club scene, and you'll probably never form a meaningful relationship with anyone that likes it. Let your friends have their "fun" and find some new friends to go to the places you *really* want. I found the internet was brilliant for this. When your current friends grow up (if they do) they'll gradually stop going out.

Tell them you don't like clubbing. Do they know about the aspergers?

Give it a shot, and if you don't like it, don't worry about it. It isn't something people your age are obligated to do in order to be normal. It's something that SOME people enjoy.

You could try it on a night before a day you have off for recovery - like a Friday or Saturday night. I didn't go very often in college, basically because of all the reasons you listed. I'd go if I felt like it and no one bothered me about it. It sounds like your friends might be pretty nice, maybe they'd be tolerant of you ducking out early or just going once in a while. If you never go, you won't know for yourself whether you'd like it. And unexpectedly, I've met some other very kind people who seemed a lot like me in those situations.

If noise bothers you, carry some earplugs in your pocket just in case.

That's a pretty astute observation.

In a bar, might be able to have a beer---or a Sprite---watch a little TV, maybe have an okay conversation with a person one stool over. Often people just aren't talkative, and that's okay, too. I'd say about 50-50, maybe slightly less. Maybe only about 40% of the time is the person kind of in a talkative mood, and that's fine.

The advice I give myself is to keep it simple and straightforward, positive, and to keep it brief.

Now, I think part of the appeal of all kinds of outings is people watching. I kind of like reading in a semi-public place. It's safe, it's sociable. And I can alternate between reading and people. And I think many quote-unquote 'normal' students like to study in semi-public places for this very reason.

Welcome, Aspie_Hems, from the former colonies (Sydney). Unlike clubs and bars, this website is a great place to hang out.



I would say pretty much what you go on to say. I am over 50 now (and spent over 15 years as an enrolled university student), and I have never been to a nightclub. No desire to, either. "Clubbing" just makes me pull a face like I have sucked a lemon. Never been to a popular music concert, although I have been to quite a few orchestral concerts. Younger guys at work do all those social things, but I cannot think of anything worse.

Yet, I am married and have children and a career. We don't go out very often - occasionally to a known restaurant or to friends' houses (most of my friends are introverts, so the "parties" are pretty tame affairs - like playing Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit together). We do go to various other social activities, but they are all quiet and staid too. And I like watching movies occasionally if the cinema is not too full and I can sit in the back row (no noise-makers behind me). I prefer to be at home with my family: they hang out in their rooms and I hang out in my study surfing the web and posting on forums like this! Peaceful and quiet. I can hear them quietly pottering around the house, so I don't feel alone. That is my typical level of social involvement much of the time. I am a loner, but not quite a hermit. Just almost.

Personally, I don't think you can lead a normal life - so you should lead a life that is appropriate for you. If you like steam trains, then socialise with other steam train fanatics. If you like astronomy, then hang out with astronomers. Use your special interest(s) when you want to socialise - and your special interest is obviously not "clubbing". Why be ordinary when that is not you? Live your way, and have fun your way. Your college may even have a society or club for students with similar interests to you. That might be the "clubbing" you need, not nightclubs.

And if you do go to a nightclub anyway, don't be surprised if you find it pretty boring and unpleasant. That's pretty normal for us.

Thanks for all the comments guys. I had no idea there were other people like me who didn't like the clubbing scene.

There was a secondary motive that drove me to writing this thread. I am pretty much a loner, but i really like it that way. No aggrivating people you have to keep an eye on, rely upon etc but every now and then the one thing i want more than anything in the world is a friend. Just one you know. Someone like me that i can talk to without having constantly be aware of all the little social rules that everything has encoded in their brain from birth. I tend to get on with adults better than people of my own age which is fine it's just i would reeeeeeeeeeeeeally like someone my age to talk to. Hang out with. Blah. Only time will tell.

Thank you everyone who has posted, made me feel a bit better

I go to clubs sometimes. I'm surprised there are both younger and older people
than myself there. But I prefer discoey music or chill music instead of
the rhyming and drumming sound. Until recently I haven't really met people
because of loudness and not recognizing interesting or interested people,
but there has recently been some mutual interest. I go with a (older) social friend.
Sometimes after a drink I can relax enough to talk or dance but not always.
Sometimes my shoulders are too tense to dance, or I daydream too much.

If you ever played Dance-Dance-Revolution it was like a club training simulator.
I don't usually see much more intense or complicated dancing than that at clubs.

Music varies, the atmosphere varies by club between relaxing and anxious,
I do like the music-and-lights effects for a couple of hours diversion.

My clubbing habits

I love dancing and I go out regularly. I don't drink alcohol and don't take drugs, but these things are very prevalent at the club I go to. I seldom go there with friends, I usually just dance on my own and go home before 22:30. The club is a "grunge"/"alternative" style of place so glitzy fashionable mainstream people don't usually go there. Many people who go to that club regard themselves as 'different' (drama students, art students, and others) so I feel more comfortable there because my non-conformism is not frowned upon. I dance on my own, from early on when no-one else is dancing. I have some friends who go there too, whom I met there. Some of the other regulars chat to me from time to time, or at least greet me. Sometimes when they have a couvert charge, the assistant manager lets me in for free because I'm a regular.

My dancing, my autism and my ADHD

If I don't dance my mind starts falling apart. I have ADHD so vigorous dancing is important for my mental health. The dancing is also good for my sensory problems. I wear hearing protection for about half of the time and people sometimes think that I am listening to some music on an iPod or something, instead of to the DJ, because it looks like that! My dance style is a combination of ballet, martial arts, hip-hop, metal-fan and rockstar dancing, and a few salsa-type moves. People think I am a choreographer. I also have some distinctly autistic-looking stimming movements which I feel more at liberty to do later in the evening as I get warmed up.

People's perceptions

Many people have asked my friends if I take crack cocaine.

I am 44 years old, although to many people I look like I'm in my early 30s and I dress in a style which reinforces that perception. I do tell my age though. I can also dance for longer than many of the younger people there, because something happens to my body after I have been going for a while (not sure it it is due to adrenalin). This reinforces the impression that I take drugs. If people ask questions about my unusual engergy or about my very obvious enjoyment (as time goes on, I start smiling a lot and closing my eyes), I tell them I'm autistic and I have ADHD. I really like being able to say this, because many of them have told me that they want what I have, because they would like to experience the same extreme pleasure. I feel so fortunate to have this neurotype, because I can get this euphoria which they crave, without having to take all those harmful illegal substances.

An aspie experience in a night club

All the fears you have are valid, I believe. Going to a night club with friends can be a very alienating experience if you are an aspie. I felt uncomfortable with all the alcohol and noise around me when I was younger, and I felt that I didn't fit in at all with the people who were enjoying it. It seemed stupid, pontless, empty, mad, like crazy fans at a sports match. I also really hate smoke, and there's a lot of smoke at clubs in South Africa. But I liked dancing even then, and there was no place to go. Also, I was married for many years and my husband did not want to go out, so I didn't dance then.

I feel confident now in being an odd person who has a niche and I don't feel the pressure to conform. People who have seen me there often have started to approach me to find out more about who I am. Several of the guys I've met there have wanted to get romantically involved, but I preferred to just be friends as I am interested in someone else. A number of the guys who have been interested in me are young enough to be my children.

I have also occasionally had trouble from people who tease me or flirt or something and make lewd movements or touch me -- I can't quite figure out what they are trying to achieve because I don't understand their motives. On more than one occasion I have punched someone in the face when they wouldn't stop these things. This annoying stuff does not deter me from going, though. I feel I have a right to be there, to dance and to use that space, I don't mess other people around, and those few troublemakers are the ones who are behaving badly. (These people are not regulars; I never have trouble from the same person more than once. Generally they don't come again.) The DJs who know me are usually very sympathetic when someone messes me around.