Eye Contact

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FooFighter0234
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22 Aug 2006, 12:03 pm

Eye contact has always been tough for me. I'm getting better at it but I still need help.

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anandamide
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22 Aug 2006, 12:19 pm

gsilver wrote:

I recently read a "coffee table"-style book about eye language, written by and for NTs.

Evidently, to them eye contact is akin to punctuation most of the time, used to emphasize points and requesting feedback at key times.

Looking back to recent conversations in which I tried maintaing eye contact, I can definitely see this practice being used. After reading the book, I followed some of the rules for eye contact (and thought of it as part of my language, rather than a separate component).

Guess what?

It works!

Since following guidelines in the book regarding timing instead of the simple 30-70% rule, I received much more positive than normal responses from everyone I talked to.

Since the book itself really isn't one I would recommend, I'll just write down some guidelines here.

Times to use eye contact:
End of an important sentence (to add emphasis)
End of a question (to request feedback)
During the entire time of asking a rhetorical question (to ensure proper delivery of the question)
At key points in the other person's speech (such as when they are delivering or requesting important information)

Since I am rather good at written communication, thinking of eye contact as punctuation makes the whole concept much easier to grasp. I would suggest that everyone here begins thinking of it in the same way to help them in communication.

In reality, you don't need to use much eye contact, just specific times. To further demonstrate this, I was also surprised at how little eye contact the average NT uses... but general rules (and effective ones, at that) can be derived by observing when NTs initiate eye contact.

Hope this helps.

Those are good tips. But what are we supposed to do with our eyes when we are not looking at the other person for punctuation?

aspie4jc
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22 Aug 2006, 3:41 pm

I've begun noticing that I don't give as much eye contact as they expect/want. My mom always makes give eye contact when she's talking to us about important stuff (usually when we're in trouble!).

I guess it's just an NT thing. Maybe they don't think you're paying attention. If I made eye contact the entire time I was talking to someone, I wouldn't get as much done at work.

Example: A person is placing a photo-processing order. I am watching my computer screen to ensure that I have the right info, putting in the order correctly. I can be having a general "How are your kids?" conversation while I'm still watching my computer. I still look at them from time to time, but not the whole time they're at the counter.

There are times when I know I have to put more effort into eye contact while talking to someone...specifically my supervisors. That way they know I'm paying attention to their instructions and what they need me to get done for them.

gsilver
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23 Aug 2006, 9:02 pm

anandamide wrote:

Those are good tips. But what are we supposed to do with our eyes when we are not looking at the other person for punctuation?

Look at them in an attempt to derive more rules or at random times to increase a sense of connection. Just remember to carefully observe how often they initiate eye contact (peripheral vision, if necessary) and use no more than they do. Just remember: intuition is their strength. Systemizing and analysis is yours. However complicated it may seem, the code can be cracked.

In any environment there are dozens of distracting things to look at. Just alternate between any objects in the environment that you find interesting during the interim times (but I'd recommend against looking at people not part of the conversation unless there is a specific point to doing so).

DirtDawg
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23 Aug 2006, 11:18 pm

anandamide wrote:

Those are good tips. But what are we supposed to do with our eyes when we are not looking at the other person for punctuation?

What an incredibly deep and thought provoking question.

I was raised to always make eye contact and it was forced on me my whole life until I became an adult. I do fairly well most of the time, but I can't answer that question. There are so many subtle things a person can convey with just the eyes, that even where you look instead of the other person's eyes carries messages. It goes way beyond intuition, though.

For instance, if you don't turn your head completely towards them and turn your eyes in their direction for a quick look shows you aren't really listening to the conversation and you want them to politely finish, so you don't have to be even ruder to them. Bringing your head down slightly so you have to raise your eyes to them shows that you don't really believe them. Maintaining eye contact as you move your head around also shows that you are done with the conversation and are just about to force a change of subject or an exit. Lifting your head slightly and looking back down on the person shows you are pleased, or amused by the conversation. Bringing your head past theirs and bringing your eyes back slowly to theirs is kind of flirty or at least impish and joking, depending on the context of the conversation.

I find that if the person is a hand talker (uses gestures) you can stay with them by occasionally looking at their hands, but don't move your head to follow their gestures or they will be sure they have lost you. You're also supposed to notice body language without ever looking directly at another person's body. Sheesh!

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SkippyP
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25 Aug 2006, 10:08 am

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than when someone says something to me, then leers at me presumably to see me physically register what they have said.

KimJ
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25 Aug 2006, 10:13 pm

This is going to sound racist, but Irish people (people of Irish descent) do that more than anyone! Especially when the tell a joke or some "profound" story. They pause and look at you waiting for you to laugh uncontrollably or say, "amazing story!"
My friend does it all the time, she doesn't even have a sense of humor. Sometimes she is just reiterating what I just said and making it sound like she thought of it. and then looking at me for approval.
My father in law will repeat something like he heard it from the Guru himself and look around for approval. Sorry, I will just correct him!

Ticker
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28 Aug 2006, 3:05 pm

I thought I was only one with this problem. I either don't give enough contact or get accused of staring. What is the time limit we are suppose to look at someone?

Have you noticed some people seem to use eye contact to intimidate others? I was walking into a restaurant the other day and this gangsta type was trying to engage me in eye contact. I wouldn't share a gaze with him so it seemed to really miff him. I couldn't tell if he was being mean because he was trying to be flirtative or wanted to be mean because I am short and look more naive than I am or because maybe I look dyke-ish and he thinks he is so manly he could have changed that.

Another issue is talking to my dr because she gets into these deep conversations which I enjoy. She complains though about her Aspie son's behavior so I try to be a good Aspie adult and look at her. Yet I can't concentrate on what she is saying when I look at her. Later I'm thinking "what was it she said about this medicine?".

tcorrielus
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29 Aug 2006, 2:04 pm

This eye contact thing does seem very challenging for some Aspies. I don't wanna be accused of being uninterested and untrustworthy or staring at my conversation partner.

Chat_Noir
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31 Aug 2006, 8:33 am

My eye contact was terrible when I was a child, but has improved over the years. Its still not perfect though. I still find my eyes wandering all over a persons face rather than staying on their eyes. Or looking away completely. I find it hard to listen to a person talking if I'm looking into their eyes because it makes me nervous. So I turn away, and the person thinks I'm being rude. Its so frustrating.

Enigmatic_Oddity
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31 Aug 2006, 9:23 am

I've just been following the 70%/30% rule up till now. But after reading some of people's tips here I might try and look for some more information on eye contact.

A lot of what has been mentioned I can recognise in other people's communication; mainly my trouble is with giving the right message rather than receiving it.

hyperbolic
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31 Aug 2006, 1:30 pm

In 1 on 1 interaction my eye contact is good, but in groups I have no idea where to put eye contact because I don't know to whom I should give it. When NTs speak they ALWAYS know where to look Damn my stupid AS or whatever I have!

Damn it that have no idea what's going on in groups and trying to fake it is like running a marathon and not knowing where the damn finish line is!

superfantastic
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31 Aug 2006, 2:30 pm

Thanks for those tips, gsilver! I'll try them the next time I talk to someone.

waterdogs
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31 Aug 2006, 4:05 pm

FooFighter0234 wrote:

Eye contact has always been tough for me. I'm getting better at it but I still need help.

Tim_Tex
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31 Aug 2006, 10:26 pm

I am actually quite good with eye contact

Tim

dev664
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31 Aug 2006, 11:52 pm

I have trouble with it. I can do it... but I can't think of anything to say at all when I do, so I just try to occasionally glance at them and then look away while rubbing my chin and stuff when thinking of something to say.

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