Not sure how to get a conversation going in person or IM

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I'm breaking the ice with my first post because there really is no one else for me to talk about this. I feel this is the best place for me to go because any other time ive addressed this issue with anyone else, I don''t get anywhere the other person cant do anything for me and its just pointless bringing it up because it just makes me lose confidence in myself and my ability to socialize.

Socializing weither in person or via IM, facebook, phone, etc. has never come easy to me I feel like theres a glasswall barrier between me and the other person. When I actually try to socialize I cant get past smalltalk and have no clue how to drive conversation I just freeze and it feels like my brains not working the way its supposed to(when i was younger i didn't really care and never had a drive to really socialize with others). Occasionally I would be able to have a conversation its always about a specific subject mainly something random. The whole socializing thing never has gone well with me I just dont know what to do and it normally ends up in the other person doing the talking and me trying to add in something here and there so I dont feel awkward. I guess I could say I just dont know how to get other people to open up unless they feel like it. In person i never can get a conversation to last more than a few minutes unless the other person is pretty talkative. I feel kinda bad because they're a few people I can tell do want to be my friend and they will try to talk to me on msn but the conversation never gets very far there will be the usual things like hey, whats up, how are you. But beyond that I just don't know how to drive the conversation anywhere, so basically shortly after that and maybe a few more replies the conversation gets de-railed.

Not sure where im going with this but I'm sure a few others feel the same way, so I was just wondering if anyone had any Advice? Resources? Anything?

I haven't been diagnosed with aspergers but i wouldnt be suprised if i did have it, It would explain alot really.

I have the same problem because I am not a talker or a conversationalist. When I try and talk with my family I do ok but can be quiet and with other relatives they have to force conversation out of me.

I feel that I just don't know how to socialise. If I am invited to a party I just don't want to go. I would be lucky to talk to 4 people in the space of a few hours. I feel like my mind goes blank and the other person who I am talking to talks more and I don't know how to drive the conversation either. I am a woman of very few words so to speak.

Have had a couple of people who I thought were my friends but could never keep a conversation going and always feel awkward. It always works out that way. There must be other people out there too like me.

I am the same way!

I do better on the Internet than in person. When it's face-to-face, I get completely lost! I was at Subway on Saturday; it was just me and the sandwich-maker. He asked me what kind of sandwich I wanted and I told him and that I wanted it microwaved. So while it was getting NUKED, there was this awkward silence. He was standing there kinda' looking at me...and I didn't know WHAT to say, so I started to READ THE MENU on the wall.

I think it kinda' p'd him off because he got this half weird/half angry look on his face and I'm kinda' like and not knowing WHAT to say. I guess he was looking like that 'cause I go there a lot. But we've never talked beyond what I want on my sandwich.

I normally get charged $5 for the footlong, but that's with the other guy who works there. HE'S a gabber and always tries to chat me up. This guy charged me a bit MORE for the same sandwich.

Oh well.

I can do a bit better if the other person is more talkative and has an interest in me. Otherwise, I end up feeling TOTALLY LOST!

I in person I rarely start conversations but I usually can online, the main problem with either though is keeping them going. Usually the other person will say something that I can't come up with a response to and then ignore the conversation and start talking to someone else unless I can come up with a new topic, never has someone actually tried to keep the conversation going unless they want something from me.

It takes a while to know what someones interests are, and when you find out what they from over hearing other people also a good tip is to read up on entertainment weekly magazine type stuff and find out which stuff interests you in that and learn about the show and if you want its recommended to watch the show, usually when someone likes atleast one thing, the other person feels more comfortable around them. You can also be honest and say you're not to great at the chatting thing, but if that embarrasses you don't do it.

I hardly ever use MSN anymore, and one of the reasons is because everytime I went on there the conversation went like this:

I have the same problem.

My mother, a neurotypical, is a conversational genius. I've witnessed conversations where she'll develop an instant rapport with somebody she's just met. Within ten minutes she'll have complete strangers telling her about their lives and interests and problems. It always amazes me.

She says the trick is to ask people questions about what they've been doing and what kinds of things they like, but this doesn't seem to work for me. People just don't open up to me. I think this only works if people feel at ease around you and get the sense that you actually are interested in listening to them. And I'm always anxious around people, which probably doesn't make them feel comfortable.

I've had this problem in spades. I don't have a clue how a conversation should flow. I've done everything from sampling and memorizing other people's conversations, recording my own to analyze my progress, and all the way up to planning out enormous lists of conversation points before I go to parties. These tactics all fail. (Although they do tend to give me ever more time of successful communication before the inevitable.)

I am really interested in looking into using some real-time computer tools to help out. There's data mining algorithms that predict the likelihood of someone's interests, like amazon.com or Netflix's recommendation lists, etc. If you could hear someone's known point of interest, you could then know a high probability of another associated interest. If people like Dancing With The Stars, there's say a 93% likelihood that they will like The Apprentice, etc.
I imagine being able to take this power into a conversation and always having something interesting to say. (I'll get back to you on the details.)

IMing is easy, but only if the person you're speaking with is interesting and you're also interested in them. If they're the type that replies with hardly anything back it's not worth it. Don't reply with "nm" etc, unless you don't want to talk.

Making "small talk" is the bane of my social existence. I could go on and on about why it's annoying and pointless, but I won't.
Online is easier via IM, because you can just say something random without the whole obviously awkward reaction. I used to chat a lot on AIM because you could use the "find a friend" feature to message someone you didn't know who had selected a similar interest. Then you could quickly sort out people who would talk from those who said nothing interesting or hold a conversation. Incidentally since this feature is no longer around, anybody know a good alternative to this, doing random one on one chats on a topic?

Basically however this is the way I keep the conversation going if I want to (tipped off on this some years ago by another Aspie).
It seems that my basic assumption of how the conversation was supposed to flow was flawed. I thought it was like this:
Person A says something.
Person B says something in response.
Person A says something in response to what B just said.
Person B says something in response to what A just said.

In reality, most of my conversations went like this.
Person A says something.
Person B (Me) responds to it.
Person A says something else about what A said before (not about my response).
Person B (Me) responds.
Person A again continues what they were talking about without responding to my response.
Person A tires quickly of this, plus I don't have anything more to say that isn't repetitive since they aren't responding to what I've said.

I witnessed this happening with other people often as well, where both people were basically holding monologues with alternate speakers, continuing their own speech whenever the other person paused.

As it turns out, if you can follow this pattern instead the conversation (or small talk, if it has to be) keeps going a bit better:

Person A says something.
Person B respond to the previous.
Person B says something new (often in form of a question, and related to previous topic, but could be a new topic)
Person A answers the question/responds to new topic.
Person A asks new question/adds additional thought.
Person B responds to what person A just said.
Person B adds another thought/question.

Obviously, this requires a willing participant, in that each person needs to continue or you just have one person continuously changing the topic. But the key point is, when the other person says something, you don't just respond to it. You have to then make another statement/question/etc that "throws the ball back into their court" again.

This was extremely helpful to me... give it a try. It meant for me that I could actually continue conversations (usually about random weird stuff, I'm still not good at small talk topics) with someone other than those people who talk a lot on their own and you can just be carried along.

For me, it is 387237812 times easier to hold a conversation with someone over text/Facebook/email, etc., than in person. Though I have become increasingly better at keeping eye contact with people, it's such a relief to have a break from it, while still getting a message across. I'm way more comfortable typing/texting to people than speaking to them; however, I still have those moments where I haven't a clue of what to say... but, hey, most people do. XD

love this thread:)

I seem to lack as many of the types of experiences other people have. That can be a hurdle.

Any recommendations on books, websites etc pertaining to this topic? Thanks.

http://www.amazon.com/Conversationally- ... roduct_top