Where do we go wrong?

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When it comes to making friends where do we go wrong? A friend mentioned of I would of stayed in school (not homeschooled 5th-11th grade as in DID high school) I would of probably had so friends from that experience. So there's that. Also though I was in College a year before messing up and getting kicked out. In this time yes I did talk to people but no "friendship" as in hang out social stuff developed. Sure you have to start with Hi/interests etc. but I'm confused how do you know when/if it'll develop into hang out/socializing. (This is what I want in a friendship BTW) I haven't had much "hang out" friends since Elementary!! !! Not every day mind you but for you to be available would be great. I have a friend who has alot of friends/boyfriend etc. of course she did regular school unlike me. Also are we unapproachable? Focus on our studies too much or be a know it all in class (in turn students end up HATING you) or is it something more?

I've always been lonely, but for a long time I avoided people because I was scarred of interacting with them. The past couple of weeks I've had a tremendous yearning to be around them. Maybe we just fail to try.

We don't give ourselves permission to be hated and we beat ourselves up. We have difficulty rolling with the punches and accepting when people do like us, at least from my perspective.

in my trys this year I find even if I get past the "hi lets talk" part I am unable to relate. they want to talk about music. I hate music and so on.

I have often wondered about this myself. Most of my close friendships have lasted no more than six months to a year.

The only friendships that have lasted longer are those that remain in the acquaitanceship/casual friendship phase or those that have similar problems/personalities such as AS, Bi-Polar, ADD, etc.

I have a theory about this though. Most people befriend someone to best their agenda, whether it be power, status, money, employment opportunities, etc. When they see that a person cannot offer those things, they move on. Unfortunately, people do not see friendship with most people with AS as a means of bettering themselves, so they move on after awhile. It is unfortunate, because in many instances, they are missing out on a loyal friend. Also, it doesn't help that sometimes we send mixed signals to people with our lack of empathy, our smothering of individuals, and our overt honesty. I know that I have experienced these things, and it can be difficult.

I know one thing I contuously do that tends to drive people away; speaking about an everyday topic, then transitioning to a "disturbing" or "racy" subject, in monotone, without shifting expression or body position, usually while smiling and with an intense stare.

Example:

...so it is pretty cute when she falls down, but with that glass table it's still pretty dangerous. [cue transition] Before you know it she's lying on the floor, shards of glass sticking out of her scalp, unable to get up due to a concussion. Blood slowly seeping of the wound, unable to call for help because she's in a state of shock.
<pauze>
I'm just saying, none of us want that. *sheepish grin*

I try to be friendly and nice all the time, but I myself think that I'm a bit overnice, which may explain why my quantity of friends is still limited as it is...

I noticed myself doing something just yesterday. I was talking to a rather atractive woman whom I'd like to get to know better and as I talked to her, all I wanted to do was get away. She kept talking and smiling and seeming genuinely interested and friendly, but because of my anxiety that I would say or do something that would come across as odd, inapropriate or offensive, I kept trying to find my way out of the conversation so I could leave.

The mistakes I tend to make are in assuming that people, either now or at some point in the future, will want to avoid me. I don't think I have ever assumed that someone might want to get to know me better. All my interactions with people are tainted by the worry that I am offending and driving them away.

There are people who actively seek my company. My behavior is to get annoyed and to try to avoid them. Maybe this is just a fear of being overwhelmed by them. I can take only so much socialization and I guess I am afraid that they will want more than I can stand to give.

One thing I can say for certain; the problems I run into are NOT the fault of others. These are things that I do. It's not that I am wrong for doing them, but neither are other people.

Lars

We're afraid of rejection. If we get rejected, we punish ourselves.

I would guess that home schooling an Aspie child is a problem. Although attending a conventional school may be very stressful for an Aspie, it forces them into contact with other people and unless it's a very brutal environment, the student can become acclimated to frequent contact with people.

It may be tempting to home school someone with Asperger's syndrome because there will be less tantrums in the short term, but there will be less opportunity for learning to deal with the difficult problems of interacting with other humans. The critical education of learning certain social skills is delayed until adulthood and so the tantrums and meltdowns come across as even more immature and less appropriate.

I agree with your friend that you might have benefited more from conventional schooling. But then again, it's never too late to start working to solve a problem. All of life is a difficult learning experience. I don't know that life gets any easier as you get older. The problems seem to grow in complexity as you grow in maturity. There are things about getting older that are well worth it, but some problems never get solved. Sometimes you feel like your are going backward.

What do we do wrong when it comes to making friends? I've done a lot of things wrong. I've also managed to do a lot of things right. Maybe the worst that we do is dwelling on the wrongs we have done and forgetting what we have done right.

Lars

I have the same problem. Maybe it's because it's difficult to find people who have things in common with you. Or maybe it's because NTs know exactly what to do, how, when and where, so we have to focus on all this things (and have an anthropologist degree) to understand and interact at the same level.