bluebellwood wrote:
My closest friend for the past nine years has just told me she doesn't like me. I've spent the past month crying over this, and come to the conclusion that I probably have aspergers or something similar.
About 3 months ago, my partner broke up with me after an 8 year relationship. My friend was his ex, I was her son's stepmother. I was very proud of my relationship with her, that we didn't have any grudges or hard feelings caused by our 'unusual' family circumstances, and were such great friends. She was even with me when my son was born 5 years ago.
When my relationship ended, she became very distant, stopped phoning me or calling round, and I could tell she was avoiding me. I assumed she was trying not to 'take sides' in the break-up, so eventually (it was a couple of months before I actually got the opportunity to be alone with her) I brought it up with her, intending to reassure her that I didn't expect her to take sides, just to be a friend to us both.
I was devastated by what she told me. Yes, she was trying to put a distance between us, she had only been friendly with me for the sake of her son and my kids, who are his brothers and sister. She didn't feel close to me, didn't really connect with me, didn't confide in me (she said she had occasionally, but only when I'd pushed her to), and quite frequently felt angry at things I said. She said that I am very insensitive. and that although she believes from the things I say at other times that I don't mean to be, that she doesn't want to be around me. She also cited a recent example of a time when I had been 'insensitive'. (we were out with a few friends and our kids, and we'd arranged for her son to stay that night at my house. He was tired and wanted to go, so I told her and some other friends that although I was enjoying myself, and so were my kids, I was leaving because her son wanted to go. I thought I was honestly espressing my feelings, and also making sure my friends knew that I wasn't leaving because I was bored of their company. I must have sensed afterwards that I'd done something wrong, because the next day I tried to make amends to my friend, by explaining that I was glad to have left early, because I'd needed an early night. However, as she explained to me later, she was appalled by what I had said, and that I had said it in front of our other friends. I still don't really understand what was wrong with what I said, I think perhaps it looked like I was trying to make her feel guilty that I had to leave because of her son. I remember at the time that it felt to me really important that I did express those thoughts, and to as many people as possible who were there so they all knew what was going on for me.)
After this conversation, I went to pieces, I spent night after night lying in bed crying. All my life I have wanted people to like me, and not known how to make that happen. For years I tried to be like my dad, because he had lots of friends, so I thought if I travelled a lot (as he did when he was young) I would have lots of interesting stories to tell about my life, so I would be popular like him. It didn't work. I talked about my life and my experiences a lot, but eventually realised I came across as boastful and self-centred, so stopped talking. Then I started to open up to people emotionally, rather than just talking about where I'd been and what I'd done. I thought I had finally figured out how to have close, satisfying relationships. With this particular friend, I would talk about my deepest feelings, analyse myself, see patterns in my bahaviour that had emerged since childhood, try to understand myself and other people.I loved those conversations. I thought she did too, and that she was also searching for the same deeper understanding.
I feel like I really need to talk to someone about the things she said to me, but she is the only person I could talk to on that level. The conversation with her set me questioning my whole life, seeing patterns emerging, and I came to the conclusion that I probably have aspergers, I want to learn what I am doing wrong socially, I want to learn social skills that I'm missing, I want to know how to make friends. I have nobody, except her, who I could have that conversation with, and she has just told me that she doesn't want to be around me. Now I'm torn between my own desperate need to talk, and trying to respect her wishes and do the only thing I can do 'as a friend' to her, because I care about her, which is to leave her alone when she asked me to.
I thought I'd finally 'got it' with her, in regard to making friends. She is a very warm person, with a bright smile, she'd make eye contact across a room and her eyes would light up, and we'd smile at each other, and I'd feel really close to her. Everyone loves her, she gets on with lots of people. In a social situation, she talks to lots of people effortlessly about interesting things, conversations that I'd love to be having with people. I've always envied her that (in a nice way), I wanted to learn how to be like her socially. She'd go into a shop, and have easy banter with the checkout girl, she has loads of friends, loads of close friends. I was flattered that she was my friend, I thought I was finally doing something right.Now I'm wondering if she's fake. Was that warm, open-hearted smile ever genuine? I'm questioning my own judgement, she said she was trying not to express anger towards me for the kids sake, so how could I misinterpret that as close friendship.
I feel so alone, I desperately want more friends. I find it hard to initiate friendships, I tend to wait for people to come to me, I know an earlier post in this forum actually advises that as a way to judge whether people like you or not, but I've found it has alienated me even more. I've done that instinctively for years, and have ended up without friends. Nobody calls me or comes looking for me, so I need to put myself out and try to make friends, even though there's the risk of being rejected. Also, all my relationships have been with people who have 'chosen' me, rather than me choosing them, for this reason, and I've always ended up feeling that I could do better, that I'm only with them because they like me, and that we don't really have a lot in common. Similarly with friends, those people who seem to be drawn to me don't seem particularly attractive to me, I find them dull, or too intense, or just not interested in the things that I'm interested in. The friend who I'm talking about here was different, in that I felt we had both chosen each other, I was proud to be her friend.
This is so hard, because I really believed that I had made a real friendship, that had lasted over the years. In the past I would have bacome friendly with people, then sensed their attitude towards me change, and I'd withdraw. In recent years I had become more confident, would talk to someone when I was feeling paranoid about something, rather than running away from them. I thought that period of my life was over, that now I was able to make friends, so this has come as a shock to me. Looking back over my life now, I see a whole pattern of not feeling that I belonged, being on my own in the playground at school, then moving to a new school and thinking it would all be different, but then the old feelings of unease, that I didn't belong, would surface again. And I'd always wonder how did these new people know that I was a misfit, it wasn't like the people from the old school could have told them.
Sorry to be going on so much, but I've just lost my partner and my only close friend, and I haven't had anyone to talk to about this. I'm thinking back to all the arguments I had in the relationship, where he was so angry with me, and I felt so unfairly treated because I was being, as I perceived it, open and honest and trying to communicate well with him, and he was so convinced I was being purposefully manipulative, and couldn't understand that I meant well when he had perceived it some other way. I've always believed that intention is more important than action, so why couldn't he forgive me for something when I explained to him that I hadn't meant to upset him? I also believe that people are basically good, but sometimes do 'bad' things through lack of understanding, but he seemed to believe I was being bad to him, when I think I must have been just misunderstanding how I was expected to act in certain situations. Then he broke up with me, which seemed so so so unfair, as I thought that I was being good and true to him, when he kept getting angry at me over nothing, and accusing me of things I hadn't done. I thought I was being a saint, that I'd stood by him all these years when he was getting angry at me when I hadn't done anything to deserve the anger, and after all that he was the one who left me!
I've seen so many posts in this forum that say something like 'I just stopped caring whether people like me or not', but I do care, I care so much, it's like the only thing I really want in my life is for people to know me and understand me and genuinely care about me. I've met people who I don't think are particularly nice, who seem to have no problem being popular. It seems so unfair.
I went through a very similar situation like you described, a couple of years ago. I had a friend of 25 years that, out of the blue told me to "f" off. This was after I had assisted him for six months in getting his flood impacted community back on it's feet (he was the mayor). I assisted him in getting in contact with a number of people that I knew from years of political activism, helped him in making partnerships with the local colleges and universities who offered great assistance and advice in rebuilding his community, and did general skilled labor work around his community.
The friendship was closer when we lived in the neighborhood and went to school together. After high school, he moved to a different neighborhood and did some things in his life that I didn't agree with at the time, so we drifted apart. We never saw much of each other, save for a few times at the grocery store. I saw the flood as an opportunitiy to rekindle the friendship.
During the eight months that I helped him, looking back now, I got mixed signals about his relationship with me. There were times that he took my advice, or accepted my assistance. He even offered to come speak about his community at my church. On the other hand, there were times (especially when other people were around) that I was often rebuffed, teased (not in a friendly way), and told nicely to leave. His wife was friendly, but off putting with me. I was obsessed with his commuity's dispostion after the flood, so this played into my eager response to help him. Due to this, I often blew these signals off. Even though I was receiving mixed signals from him, the curt and nasty e-mail that he sent me should have come as no surprise. I sometimes wish now that I would of listened to his dad and his uncle, when they subtlely told me about him, and some of his problems.
Also, looking back, based upon the information that know now, he was embarrased by me. He was not only embarrased by my actions, my obsessiveness, and my eagerness to help, but also by the fact that I upstaged him both intellectually and from a work product standpoint. Others in his life at the time (his wife as an example) did not like me getting in the way as well. I am also learning that others in his community and otherwise that offered help and assistance, were met with the same rebuffing and terseness, so they bypassed him to get aid to his community.
The whole situation brought me close to a nervous breakdown for about a year, but it could of been avoided. I not only lost a childhood friend (but some of my thoughts out of high school were somewhat right about him), but also the feeling for awhile that I could be of benefit to my community.
27 Jun 2010, 10:39 am
Since nobody talk to me I have no idea of my problem 
