Making Friends - Starting From Scratch

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For me, I have the unfortunate privilege of having to pick up every few years and start over due to my job. As I've gotten older it has gotten much tougher than it was when I was younger, mostly due to life circumstances. As a 31 year old divorced father of one, the scope of people who are at about the same point in their lives as I am is very slim. And add in the fact that where I am currently is relatively small, outside of work, establishing any sort of social network has been extremely painful. Most of the people I know my age are married with kids and have families they spend time with all the time, along with their social networks. And then add in the fact that while married my social connections were dramatically reduced due to the fact that neither my ex or I were socially acceptable people. Breaking out and trying to establish something here where I am has been so tough I've almost wanted to give up.

My latest attempts to get involved with some sort of social network has been met for the most part with resistance due to the fact that alot of the people in my social network are either much older or much younger than I am. There is really no middle ground. It truly sucks. Finding people who are at similar places in their lives is just painful, and without having much of anything to relate to people with, icebreakers are few and far between, and the openings are virtually nonexistent in my world.

For a second, imagine cliques and social networks as Us and Os. Visually, the Os are closed off and have no way to be penetrated. Us have the that opening where some people can join. Unfortunately for me, I keep seeing more Os than Us.

And I hope someone here gets the metaphor I used.

Randy

In my life experiences with making friends, I've always wanted friends but had such a difficult time making and especially keeping them. I made friends. Frustratedly, I thought I had them there around for me but none of them ever call or email me. It makes me think ALL my friends have LEFT me! I try to contact them, whether I call or email them, they don't respond at all, which makes me think they are ignoring me and staying away from me, which makes it painful. I don't think I have them as my friends. I have moods of depression and like to play things by ear on my weekends or time off. I love to go out and sometimes travel. I have no traveling companion which would be safer for me than traveling alone would be. (I felt tempted to travel alone!) I even feel I'm excluded from my family's travels while I just their housesitter. !

if you have any musical talent, join a band. its basically 3 or 4 free friends you can branch out from. (if you cant play, join a punk rock band, it doesnt need alot of technical skill)

another good way (if you smoke pot) answer roommate ads, and find a stoner. say you're new to the city and ask him to hook you up.

Volunteering might be a way, when you can manage it. Maybe not to find friends immediately, but to get a bit of experience in interaction that's more than the usual 'I don't need you and you don't need me' smalltalk.

''Joining clubs involving my enjoyment'' is completely out of the question for me. A few years ago I joined this piano club, where teenagers with good piano skills go to make friends (and also pursue their enjoyment of course). But I found that the people there seemed to be established with eachother, and just sat in small groups laughing excitibly, and there were a couple of girls there who were the life and soul and very popular, and were always talking out loud and were fun for everyone to listen. I didn't stand a chance to make friends, so after about 5 months I left, and nobody seemed to care. They weren't horrible teenagers, in fact they were very mature, but they still didn't include me, and I thought they were there to try and make friends, and I thought I was going in the right direction to making friends by going there, but I got nowhere fast. I wasn't confident enough to just push my way into the crowd and start up conversations with them. Although I'm an Aspie, I still know you don't just got upto someone, tap them on the shoulder and ask, ''do you want to be my friend?'' It may would work better at primary school, but not with teenagers and adults. Anyway, I knew that asking someone to be my friend won't suddenly result in me being invited for a day out at the theme park, or at the cinema, ect. If I did make a friend there, the friendship will just be in the paino club - not nowhere else.
When I left school I did join a college group for teenagers with mild special needs (like me), and I did get a nice crowd, but once we all left college and done different things, the friendships all seemed to go out the window. I did stay in touch with a few friends still, but they ended up excluding me in their group after a few months, then they started bullying me, so I soon kicked them out of my life. I stayed in touch with 2 other friends (I only had them left), but one seems to make excuses every time I ask her to meet up with me. The other one is the friendliest, and likes to chat with me on MSN. But he has Autism, and a lot of his friends have Autism too, and although I'm Aspie, I'm only very mild - I don't always get on well with people who are really Autistic. I think I'll get on better with shy NTs, or mild Aspies. But where are they all?

Maybe I'm just not meant to have friends.

There is severe introversion turning ones back upon the world, there is cliquishness of self isolating peer groups, and there is overt ostracism and shunning against targeted individuals specifically, but there are also more subtle lesser degrees of distance. Indeed the most normal distance between strangers and casual acquaintances is expected to nurture deeper acquaintance and blossoming intimacy and familiarity in due course. It’s a perfectly natural process, but quite unreliable. People can be unfriendly. Having entered into whatever social situation of propinquity, of repeated regular contact, the question remains how to obtain openness and cooperation in advancing any relationship.

People are not rational agents of self interest. People are not even driven by sheer pleasure principle. Rather, people are driven by perceived vested interest in social integration and standing. To be outgoing and personable, to offer value, all this does not help. Humor, insight and intelligence do not help. Care and compassion do not help. Particularly, being interesting does not make friends. Or so goes the prevailing common sense social advice, becoming ever more arcane, ego-dystonic, alienated and alienating. The social context is not a conduit but a barrier between individuals. Trying to make friends may be the mistake, when the real game is to attain social approval, access and inclusion. Always keep it light and upbeat! Keep opinions to yourself. Follow sports. Make innocuous small talk. Pander to collective identity. Bah, humbug! Conditional acceptance is only another form of rejection. Even the most successful social life then becomes just another job we hate in pursuit of whatever hoped for eventual pay off. Such is conformist mediocrity and heteronomy filtering out inadequacy and excellence without distinction. Engaged emotional intelligence and capacity for friendship frequently comes at odds with social intelligence, conformity and sheer tolerance for boredom never rocking the boat. That is the test. And that is why the advice actually ever fulfils the lowered expectations of shy and withdrawn people, for whom a modicum of distance and passivity is actually congenial.

Know more at: http://www.FoolQuest.com

Just be your self and do what you love equals friend.

_________________
I'm pushing myself to be better. But what does that mean?

i've never know anyone like me ,so friendly PM's are always welcome .

Honestly I think one of the key things is to not advertise that you have no friends. Lol! No one has to know...

But seriously, especially if you're trying to socialize in the context of a class, activity, club, etc, the way you view yourself is everything! When you join, you are the NEW PERSON, so of course you have no friends there, if you PRETEND like you are a person who is super likable, funny, charming etc and has lots of friends outside of the new setting, people tend to buy it and want to be friends with you! NOT that you should lie, but its your demeanor that matters. If you come into the new setting all self-conscious, self-pitying, and apologizing, people will naturally shy away from you. I think sometimes pretending like you believe everyone is automatically going to like you and want to be your friend is the most helpful thing.

And it is true, even though it seems like everyone already has tons of friends, most people really are interested in making new friends. You just can't be standoffish! Lol. That is something I am working on.

I also think being able to jump into conversations that you are overhearing is really important. Most of the time, people won't just randomly notice you and then invite you into the conversation, but if you have something valuable to say about what people are talking about, just say it! Generally, as long as they are not whispering or in a different room by themselves, it's not a private conversation. People actually tend to like it when you jump in if you are knowledgeable about the thing they're talking about.