after you disclose

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I wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until I was 23, I'm 26 now. I used to see it as a sort of stigma, my brother has extremely severe autism and at the time I didn't understand that there could be different levels of the condition. Over time I became more comfortable with it and helping people understand why I am the way I am. But what I'm wondering now is, once you tell someone, what does that mean for them? Like I know it's good that the people close to you understand what's up, but how do you need them to help you once they know? I have friends I'm thinking about telling, but they would want to know what to do with the information once they have it, to be supportive in the right way. Any thoughts?

Welcome to WP!

That's a really good question about what it means to the person to whom you disclose. I asked my BF after reading this, and he said simply, "You're different." I suppose it depends on the person?

As far as help, it depends on what you need help with, if any. Your friends sound very supportive, so they may have been trying to help you all along without necessarily knowing 'why'. You telling them might just be an 'Aha!' moment for them, and nothing would change unless you asked for it.

The people I've told treat me no differently than they did before they knew about it, which is fine for me. They'd already accepted my 'quirks' by then, so it didn't matter except that now they know what it's called.

These days everyone knows someone on the spectrum. I wonder if any of your friends will just say, "really so do I" or I thought so. I think by sharing you will be telling them to cut you some slack and to not get mad at you for "things" you may or may not do. Send them a link with info on what it is all about. I love watching the show Bones and how she just needs to be informed on what or how she could do things differently.

I also have a son with WBA, (wicked bad autism) and I think my daughter has Aspergers but she kind of goes in and out of the behavior so perhaps she is just a late bloomer. I am glad you shared this info cuz you opened my eyes to her feelings on the topic.

I find with my ADHD I know my limitations so I say things like. "If I don't remember to call you back do not take offense just call me or email me again if I don't get back to you soon enough, or my heart wants to do that but my attention span may not let me, or I just heard a line on TV I love, "Under promise, then over produce". Point is...learn your issues and help others to understand them.

Everyone I've told so far had absolutely no response. Apart from my granny who just said "Oh". Thats weird, some of these people have probably responded to every single thing I have said to them in the past but when I tell them I'm mildly autistic they say nothing.

I think that is because they do not know what to say or how to react. Most do not know really what that means or how it can effect your live. You may make some of your friends question themselves to see if they are as well.

What will be telling is if they treat you with more understanding and help you in different ways.

I am a cancer survivor and I think others who watched me progress had it harder than I did. I spent more time convincing them I was fine then they did consoling me. In other words it is harder on the ones who love us.

Wishing you all the best and I am glad to hear your outcome.

I don't claim to have AS ever because I am undiagnosed, but I have been professionally suspected of it and I will mention that among friends if it's relevant to the conversation.

People I know well usually say something like "yea I can see that", people that haven't known me as long seemingly think I'm joking.

With my local group of friends it's almost an inside joke, like something will happen to trigger some sensory issue to the point where I'm visibly uncomfortable and people will be like "awww, maybe you actually are autistic". The girl who is now my girlfriend straight up called me out on it like the 3rd time I hung out with her, I said "well that has been suspected" and for some reason she still feels bad about that, I don't get it.

I was able to tell my friends straight away because I had been telling them everything leading up to the diagnosis. The process was a) recurring sickness and exhaustion and stress which was all from meltdowns I didn't know I was having b) going to doctors repeatedly until one sent me to a cognitive behavioural therapist c) after only being able to afford one session I decided to avail of the free counseling service where my counsellor quickly observed that I had something neurological going on d) eventually found a psychologist who diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. I had kept my friends updated as I went along, so they knew that my counsellor had suspected something like ADHD or something similar and that I had to find a psychologist to see what the condition was, and after I'd seen the psychologist, they were the ones who asked me what the diagnosis was, rather than me having to tell them.

I think that if any of your friends know anything about the lead-up to the diagnosis that you could start by explaining why you went to a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist or whoever. Then go on to say what they diagnosed and then tell them what it means and use some examples of your most frequent quirks to describe your own personal case.

If any of them have a problem with it, and this is important, let it be THEIR problem. My family reacted badly so now I let them suffer over it as much as they choose to. They don't give me hassle now because they know that if they do, I'll just ignore it. Also, one of my friends is being a bit weird over it too, but that's just one, and it's the same policy here - I let it be HIS problem. NT people let the weirdest things bother them sometimes. Guess they're not as good at keeping themselves constantly occupied!

N.B. 99% of my friends took it all well and are mature about it and just accommodate me if necessary. They don't hold any AS-related stuff against me. I am grateful for having them in my life.

There are SO many different levels of severity of Asperger's, that it really doesn't change my already-existing impression of that person. Aspergians can be fully functional and be EXTREMELY successful, or they might have problems that hold them back.

Either way, with the people I know, I already have an idea of how they're doing, AS or not.

Now if my assistant or subordinate (someone I don't know personally) told me this, I would know to speak to them literally, and to ensure that their environment isn't sensory torture (flickering lights, noise, etc.)

Not sure how well I'd be able to accomodate them as far as the environment goes, but I'd understand their differences and needs.

Then again, I've explored about AS. Most NTs haven't. So if you're testing the waters with our responses, know that the reactions you'll get after disclosing will vary. However, if you can calmly explain what the disorder is and how they can help make things easier for you, most people will probably be understanding.

That said, you may end up with a stigma, since many people automatically translate "Aspergers" to "Autistic". And just as many people translate "Autistic" to "Mentally Impaired". (Which is incorrect, but ignorance abounds.)

I self diagnosed and was going to tell my boss in the context of how to work with me. Then I wondered if this would be an example of inappropriate social behavior, and I decided I will keep that to myself. What I will say, when the need arises, are things like "This conflict has come up, and I don't know the best way to handle it." I work with computers, and I have to think at least half the technical employees are AS to some degree or another anyway.

If my boss knows anything about AS, he can see it in me, if not, I don't want to get labelled or be seen as melodramatic or over-sharing.

My best friend, and possibly my first real friend didn't believe I had AS when I first told her and when I finnaly convinced her she was like, "Well that explains a lot." but didn't see me as any diffrent than before. If someone gives you trouble after you disclose to them, say something like, "We were friends before you knew I had AS. There's no reason we still can't be friends."