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CowboyFromHell
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17 Oct 2010, 10:57 pm

One thing that I never got down is the eye contact you make while passing someone. I've always noticed that when you are walking towards someone, no matter how far away the both of you are, the other person keeps eye contact the whole time. I end up just not making eye contact during this because even though I know that this is necessary for not appearing as arrogant, I am uncomfortable while not understanding the reason for the length and why exactly that it's necessary to repeat this even if you pass this person several times and daily at that.


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katzefrau
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17 Oct 2010, 11:41 pm

if it's a random person walking down the street i will likely not see again i do whatever i feel like. if the person is interesting to look at, i stare. if not, i don't look.

if someone i pass casually all the time (neighbor, coworker) i have no idea what is appropriate to do and opt for the comfort option of not looking or muttering hello if i think it's really necessary. i would never do something like attempt to keep eye contact the whole time. this is normal? i would perceive it as some kind of sexual interest. people really do this? a lot of eye contact to me always looks like sexual interest. if i see two straight men in conversation i am always confused by what is going on.


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Heliobacter20
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18 Oct 2010, 12:33 am

I'm always wearing my mp3 player so when I see them I make brief eye contact then pretend to be fiddling with my mp3 player then smile/nod/say hello when they are about 4 feet away. Keeps the interaction nice and brief.



memyselfI
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18 Oct 2010, 2:28 am

I struggle with this problem.
Happy (but few) are the times I am engrossed in thought or conversation and don't notice somebody to the last minute and manage to say 'hello' or smile naturally.

CowboyFromHell wrote:
I've always noticed that when you are walking towards someone, no matter how far away the both of you are, the other person keeps eye contact the whole time.


This is only true when there you are the only 2 people in the space - add more people and I find it just as complicated for other reasons. Also people can be pre-occupied with their own thoughts.

It seems ok to just say 'hello' the first time, but after a few times and I haven't made any more connection with the person, it just feels like something I wish I hadn't started. A chore to both of you.

Also looking at someone feels like a social trap, that I'm bound to get wrong.
It seems like that age old dilema, the more you worry about something, the worse it gets.



silvercat
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18 Oct 2010, 3:08 am

I also have the same problem, I don't know what to do with my eyes and it is absurd that I have to calculate when to look up again and make eye contact.
It doesn't come naturally.



Cicely
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18 Oct 2010, 11:52 pm

I don't understand this either. I usually don't bother. I always feel like I'm staring, probably because I am.



jpfudgeworth
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19 Oct 2010, 1:48 am

Passing a stranger is one of the most uncomfortable things I have to deal with.

I hate the idea of looking at them as long as possible, I hate the idea of looking at them briefly at a closer distance, and I hate feeling like I failed at something when I completely ignore them.



arondight
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19 Oct 2010, 2:00 am

jpfudgeworth wrote:
Passing a stranger is one of the most uncomfortable things I have to deal with.

I hate the idea of looking at them as long as possible, I hate the idea of looking at them briefly at a closer distance, and I hate feeling like I failed at something when I completely ignore them.


you said it perfectly, its the same for me


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Surreal
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20 Oct 2010, 4:32 pm

I have recently decided NOT to worry so much about making EYE CONTACT anymore - Asperger's or NOT!

On Tuesday, I was talking to somebody I know at a Twelve Step meeting! Instead of worrying about whether I was looking him in his eyeballs, I looked off to the side where no one was walking or talking! It was much more comfortable doing this and HE didn't seem to notice!

I'm certainly not going to sweat what a passerby might be thinking because I didn't give him/her/shim FIVE SECONDS OF UNINTERRUPTED EYE CONTACT! Get OVER it!

Whether it's AS or not or something else (ASD, BAP, Schizoid, whatEVer), I am growing into the knowledge and understanding that this is who I am and I need to deal with the deficits I have to the best of MY ability - not someone ELSE'S!

OOOO, I know what I'm gonna' give everybody for Christmas!! !! FIVE SECONDS OF UNINTERRUPTED EYE CONTACT since it's so COVETED by those who crave it/need it!



jpfudgeworth
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21 Oct 2010, 12:20 am

Surreal wrote:
OOOO, I know what I'm gonna' give everybody for Christmas!! !! FIVE SECONDS OF UNINTERRUPTED EYE CONTACT since it's so COVETED by those who crave it/need it!


Haha

I agree with you. I'm going to try to worry less about not making eye contact and just try to communicate better.



Surreal
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21 Oct 2010, 11:08 am

jpfudgeworth wrote:
Surreal wrote:
OOOO, I know what I'm gonna' give everybody for Christmas!! !! FIVE SECONDS OF UNINTERRUPTED EYE CONTACT since it's so COVETED by those who crave it/need it!


Haha

I agree with you. I'm going to try to worry less about not making eye contact and just try to communicate better.


Sounds like a GREAT plan!



ediself
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22 Oct 2010, 4:12 am

if i know the person a little ( neighbour etc), and i can see them coming from what seems like miles away , i just look at my feet, and just before they pass i lift my gaze and say "oh hi!"as if i had been lost in my thoughts the whole time and just happened to notice i knew them. i found it works...less stressful when you have a routine about it lol..



chainsawswinger
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22 Oct 2010, 3:30 pm

The rules on making eye contact among other passersby depends largely on where you are, who you're passing, and what that passerby is doing (is she walking, with her head up looking out front, or is she busy rummaging through her pocket, glancing around looking for something or fiddling with her iPhone).

If you're passing by someone you know (even if you don't know them that well, such as co-workers), and you don't walk past each other on a regular basis, AND if they're not preoccupied with looking around for something or fiddling with an item (that is, they're looking straight out ahead with no distractions), you should look to their general direction (but not AT them, you don't want to look like a sniper) until you guys are a few yards apart. Then you should make eye contact, have a pleasant look or smile and usually utter a quick or casual "hey" or "good morning".

Obviously, the better of a friend the person is (and especially if you don't run into them a lot), the more you may want to have more of a smile and say something more, like "Hey Nathan!" You'll want to look slightly more energetic, but not hyper, because that'll come off as creepy if you do that all of a sudden. However, if the person doesn't seem to be at all in a rush (no speedwalking), or if (s)he initiates a conversation, partake in a quick conversation. Though this happens sometimes anyway, and I notice that when it does, people do this thing of turning their heads and shouting out their tiny, quick spur-of-the-moment conversation while still walking, and sometimes people will walk backwards for a second. :lol:

As for strangers, people usually just kind of space off ahead and when the two strangers meet, their EYES may dart to the other, but they WILL NOT turn their heads. It's kind of like a quick, instinctive glance, and then they're back to looking out ahead.

Oh, and one last note: Except for your best friends who you don't encounter often, if someone's preoccupied, or they look like they're in a bad mood (dragging their feet, looking at their feet, having a hat pulled over their eyes, lol....) leave them alone. You can glance, but keep it a quick, darty glance and then just focus on getting where you need to.

People may LOOK like they're keeping their eyes on you from miles, but unless they have a staring problem, they're probably only looking your general direction, and mindlessly glance at you when you cross paths. Or, if you're noticing them so carefully, they may be looking at YOU and thinking you have a staring problem! :wink:


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memyselfI
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27 Oct 2010, 2:36 am

chainsawswinger wrote:
Oh, and one last note: Except for your best friends who you don't encounter often, if someone's preoccupied, or they look like they're in a bad mood (dragging their feet, looking at their feet, having a hat pulled over their eyes, lol....) leave them alone. You can glance, but keep it a quick, darty glance and then just focus on getting where you need to.



So this probably explains why people don't say "hello" to me that often!



space_cadett
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27 Oct 2010, 7:47 am

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this.

chainsawswinger wrote:
The rules on making eye contact among other passersby depends largely on where you are, who you're passing, and what that passerby is doing (is she walking, with her head up looking out front, or is she busy rummaging through her pocket, glancing around looking for something or fiddling with her iPhone).

If you're passing by someone you know (even if you don't know them that well, such as co-workers), and you don't walk past each other on a regular basis, AND if they're not preoccupied with looking around for something or fiddling with an item (that is, they're looking straight out ahead with no distractions), you should look to their general direction (but not AT them, you don't want to look like a sniper) until you guys are a few yards apart. Then you should make eye contact, have a pleasant look or smile and usually utter a quick or casual "hey" or "good morning".

Obviously, the better of a friend the person is (and especially if you don't run into them a lot), the more you may want to have more of a smile and say something more, like "Hey Nathan!" You'll want to look slightly more energetic, but not hyper, because that'll come off as creepy if you do that all of a sudden. However, if the person doesn't seem to be at all in a rush (no speedwalking), or if (s)he initiates a conversation, partake in a quick conversation. Though this happens sometimes anyway, and I notice that when it does, people do this thing of turning their heads and shouting out their tiny, quick spur-of-the-moment conversation while still walking, and sometimes people will walk backwards for a second. :lol:

As for strangers, people usually just kind of space off ahead and when the two strangers meet, their EYES may dart to the other, but they WILL NOT turn their heads. It's kind of like a quick, instinctive glance, and then they're back to looking out ahead.

Oh, and one last note: Except for your best friends who you don't encounter often, if someone's preoccupied, or they look like they're in a bad mood (dragging their feet, looking at their feet, having a hat pulled over their eyes, lol....) leave them alone. You can glance, but keep it a quick, darty glance and then just focus on getting where you need to.

People may LOOK like they're keeping their eyes on you from miles, but unless they have a staring problem, they're probably only looking your general direction, and mindlessly glance at you when you cross paths. Or, if you're noticing them so carefully, they may be looking at YOU and thinking you have a staring problem! :wink: