Problems with "Oversharing"

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I have always had issues with this I guess and recently I had another circumstance where I think I created problems with a friend of mine by revealing too much personal info. We have known each other a couple of years. She is recently going through a very difficult time, depression, and separation from her husband. She was feeling really bad and we were talking (I have been through similar, as she already knew) and I decided to share some details that I had gone through in my depression because I thought it might help her feel as if someone else has been through the situation and come out okay, and help keep her from getting to as bad a point. At the time of the conversation she acted like she was glad I shared this info and she felt better and "less alone", but then afterwards she sort of distanced herself from me. The last couple of times we've gotten together have been sort of distant and awkward compared to before I shared this info, and more impersonal.

Thinking back over things this has been a recurrent problem in my relationships. At some point I always divulge too much info about myself to a friend and then the person sort of backs away. I have heard this described as "over sharing" which makes people uncomfortable. Now, personally it does not make me uncomfortable when a friend tells me personal details or their problems that they are going through. But I seem to have trouble knowing when to draw the line... I have to always hold back parts of myself or people become uncomfortable and I seem to cross this over and over. I understand that women especially share personal details to establish intimacy, so I don't (now) just blurt a bunch of stuff out right off the bat, I try to wait until the other person has shared something similar and then do so at the same level, but it doesn't seem to work out as described in practice. Possibly as an offshoot of this, my friendships are not as close as I would like because that wall goes up at some point.

So some questions for you:

1) Have you had issues with oversharing and people distancing themselves as a result? How do you know when to stop before its too late? Is there hope of repairing such a situation? Are there some things you should never share?

2) Does it bother you when friends share personal information about themselves/their past etc? (I don't know if this only bothers NT people or it bothers other people with Asperger's as well. I get the impression from this forum as compared to other forums that people with Asperger's tend to be more candid than NT's).

Several years ago I also had a friend who was going through a difficult and disappointing divorce and who would use me as a shoulder to cry on. I remember that since I felt closer to her during this time, I tried to bring up a tragic situation from my past that virtually no one else knew about, but when I was about to mention it, she would cut me off. Apparently she sensed that she was about to hear something she didn't want to? Maybe she did not want the responsibility of knowing about my struggles in addition to dealing with her own problems, even though I was attempting to relate to her further, not asking for something. I am not bothered when people want to share things with me; on the contrary, I like it if people feel they can open up to me, but I suppose that some people, when you candidly share personal information with them, feel that they have an obligation to you. Either they think they should be able to help with solutions to your problems and can't, or they just don't like the feeling of responsibility that comes with having intimate knowledge of someone else.

In person I share very little. I don't like people knowing much about me because I don't like their habit of becoming meddlesome so I may come off as secretive, I think. So regarding what you said about women, maybe that's why I have no close female friends. i've shared more on WP than with people IRL and I do like the candid nature of interaction here - it's way easier to communicate here than face to face - people seem to understand where I'm coming from and I don't feel the need to be so guarded here.

Yes, it can bother me when people share too much with me mostly because I'm generally uninterested and have other things I'd rather be doing than listening to someone go on and on. Partly it's because I don't know what they expect out of me. It's very, very frustrating. Talking to me is like talking to a brick wall sometimes. I just stare back at a loss.

On the rare occasions I feel I'm getting close with someone, I will overshare.

My roommate also regularly makes frantic gestures to cut me off in talk when he brings someone over and they mention a serious topic.

Can't win, haha.

What I found amusing is the fact that somewhere else, someone posted the "Beware the Overshare" link http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Mart ... o-Intimacy that themselves had been serially guilty of such. The whole thing about "overshare" is some people apparently do it maliciously, as a result of narcissism. (Irony overload: The person I'm talking about is definitely narcissistic).

Some people with ASD can overshare but it's not for the same reasons as when bona fide narcissists (NT or otherwise) do it. It can be quite innocent.

I've had both friends and family do this to me when I start babbling. I've actually had several people (independent of one another on different occasions) make little "talking" motions with their fingers accompanies by "buck buck buck" type chicken noises, apparently to signal that its time for me to shut up (usually just when I'm getting really enthusiastic). Rather humiliating.



Now that you mention it, I DID read that Martha Beck article several months ago! I sincerely hope that is not the kind of over sharing I do. I'm actually considered fairly quiet around most people, I only tend to open up and become talkative with people I'm close to, and I don't think I've done the oversharing thing much except with people I thought were close friends who were sharing with me. Although, since it doesn't really bother me when people overshare with me, I'm not sure I would identify the sort of people she talks about in the article. And now that I think about it... if people ask me about something uncomfortable I usually do tell them, at least in shortened form, even if it's personal. But they rarely ask. Now I'm wondering how much more inappropriate stuff I say I've learned not to list my discomforts when people say "how are you" but I guess I probably volunteer too much at other times... but if you can't talk about this stuff with people who are supposed to be close friends, even when they are talking about it, how do you get closer? Are there just things about myself I'm never going to be able to mention without making people uncomfortable and hurting our friendship?

That article was great - I found it really helpful. Thanks.

I am quite well-known among my circle of friends for my oversharing, and new people learn about it quickly: I am quite open about being aware that I do it, and normally manage to throw in a joke about it. (So do my friends.) Sometimes I end up feeling vulnerable after having shared so much with somebody I just met, or guilty in retrospect upon realizing too late that the poor person was trying to escape the conversation (read: monologue). But all of my friends accept this as one of my quirks, or even as something that makes me fun to have around: I say what I think; I don't keep secrets, etc. Though the closer ones will try to remind me that it is considerate to occasionally ask the other person about their life as well.

Very often my oversharing is in response to somebody recounting a similar tale, in an effort to show that I relate, etc. But an early boyfriend (from back when I was way less self-aware), during his break-up speech, accused me of being self-centred: I always turned the conversation back to myself.

Other than said boyfriend, nobody has ever distanced themselves from me because of my oversharing (that I've been aware of), probably because I overshare from the word "Hello," and so only end up being friends with people who don't have a problem with it.

I am flattered when people share personal information with me (which I think happens to me more often specifically because I'm so open about my own; I make it seem like something that can be talked about without shame), but I do not like it when it turns into chronic whining.

I do this a LOT :S and I worry about the same thing. I am trying to relate to them or have something to say but then I wonder if they think I am just turning the conversation back to myself all the time.... that's really not my intent but most of the things I have to talk about are based in some part on my own experiences.

I do sometimes. I think I lost friends because of it.

I have had a lot of problems with the sharing/not-sharing thing, too. I am never really sure when to reveal how much. I feel I probably come off as either stand-offish if I reveal too little yet too "out there" if I reveal too much. I am not quite as bad with this as with men as I am with women. I suspect this is because with men, at least I have some understanding of their psychology. With women, I have little idea. Not that I blame women for this - it is just a difference and lack of understanding thing.

I feel that of the too options I use, I probably under-reveal more of the time.

I've learned not to "overshare" with people in general. I have one very close friend and we share everything, but most of my other friends I ration myself with. I tend to talk to random people a lot, but am more comfortable with that when I am not where I live...crazy as it sounds!

A related thing that Aspies should be aware of is "overasking" - like oversharing, but when someone else asks questions that, if answered honestly, cause you to reveal too much about yourself, or more than you would like. By answering you are then oversharing when you may not want to be, unless you are assertive enough not to answer.

This is exactly my problem. I can keep to myself almost always, but when a person asks me a question, I automatically answer it honestly. It's really caused a lot of problems, and gotten me in difficult situations. I was going to some meetings earlier this year, and when people asked me for my number, I'd give it away. Quickly realizing that I did not want them calling me and I wasn't interested. I'd then have to block their number or ask them to please stop texting or calling. I've also shared very personal information about myself which was later used against me, like by some jealous friend. I hate when that happens. It makes me feel stupid and vulnerable.

I have been guilty of doing this as well with people. I think that the behavior is tolerated for example in my church, but that is because it is a tenant of the denomination that I belong to to help each other on their own spiritual path.

On the other hand, I did it with a person the other day and felt quite guilty about about it. My childhood best friend's aunt just opened up a hair salon near the neighborhood that I live in. I patronized her business with two goals in mind 1) to patronize a business of my friend's family, and 2) to have a conduit so he can hear what is going on in my life. It is a long story why I had the agenda to do the latter, but the friendship after middle school has had some pretty complex dynamics. I wrote him on Facebook after he recently added me as a friend, and have yet to hear back from him. It was my way of telling him that I have changed, and that I have achieved a few things in my life. If he is going to blow off written correspondence, I thought, I will pass on what I am doing through a family member of his.

The encouter to say the least was ackward. I felt like I knew too much about his family, and due to my AS, remembered small details from 20 years ago. This friend of mind spent a lot of time at my house, including staying overnight frequently due to his home situation. I was difficult in dealing with conversation on that issue. Also, I was trying to tout my accomplishments, so I felt kind of pompous and narcissitic. I was embarasssed since I felt like a "flightly" Chatty Cathy doll.