Getting the other person to say something in a conversation

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im saying dude, dont sell yourself short..you call aspies ret*ds..when were not..at owrst we act a little moronic.
ok loser boy?

I can't tell if you're complimenting waterdogs or insulting him.

I think water dogs is either a troll or an AS in denial.

Anyway, I, personally am terrible at conversations.. it's always me that makes the effort.. but I guess other people don't know what to say to me >_<

Lots of good replies...

It's not a specific group of people that's doing this, it's everybody, though I have noticed a bit of a difference between kids and adults (by "kids" I mean people around my age of 19, which I supposed is a bit of an outdated term at this point, but meh). Adults seem slightly more likely to contribute their own things in every now and then, whereas the kids hardly ever do so. The kids also tend to sound generally less intrested in what I am saying, though they still usually appear captivated. Anyone who has known me for a while seems progressively less interested in what I have to say until it sounds like they aren't paying attention at all. For example, I used to talk on the phone for about 6 hours 3 times a week with my computer buddy, and it was usually him who called me. Eventually, only I was calling him, and when I did so, he always had reasons for not being able to talk. I found that if I stopped calling him altogether, he'd then only speak to me at all if it was business related (to our youth group). All I wanted to do was be some ears for him, yet I ended up being a blabbermouth and alienated him. Meanwhile, he's chatting away heavily with his other friends, and he even posted a message in the wrong window which, though I can't be sure, sounded like he was talking about the fact that he wished I would shut up so he could go away.

I tried talking to him about his non-computer interests, but he'd never mention them, so I had to figure them out. I figured out he played the busoon, so I tried asking him some things about that, but was treated with the same apathetic quietness I always got from him at that point.

I'd prefer to have friends if at all possible, and will definately be reading that changing minds link. As far as not talking with people who don't talk back, that sounds like everyone I know. Still, I suppose it couldn't hurt to not talk in person at all if I'm not getting anything from it.

Hmmm, maybe I should ask that computer friend what I did wrong? I wouldn't want to offend him in the process though, because I do think he's a nice guy and it's not his fault I act like that, so perhaps this isn't possible?

I'm in a similar situation. Love to be friends with people but some do think I'm weird due to my silence. I was a loud mouth when I was younger, spewing out endless crap about my infinite number of interests, eventually i figured i might as well shut up completely and try being selective, not the best way, but people aren't so prejudice if they haven't had many one on one conversations with me anymore.

Comparing my close friends to others, conversation with my close friends seems to be more centered on situational humor, i.e with a context, i.e over a newspaper or something, online i'm just awful, because I am so used to using the expected "delay" to think twice on what I'm saying.

same problems, i like what one person said, that we try way way too hard. i think that has been true with me. people just want to take it easy. talking is for generating positive emotions.

when i start to talk about how THINGs work or physics or a better way to do things, something like that....eyes glaze over and a negative judgement against me. its too much work. the 'you are really smart' thing can be a polite insult sometimes........like, you are smarter than average so the average is a group and the non average is alone.

maybe you should talk as little as possible to the computer guy. give him what he wants.

maybe try to fit in to a point, not lead.

also, game theory says that you always cooperate with others unless you know for a fact that you have been attacked. not misunderstanding, you are sure. then you have to find an appropriate response.

also, I like listeniing to how other people talk. it is relaxing when it is not annoying.

believe me tho, i am no expert.....

Maybe it has something to do with body language. I read that conversation is 90% non-verbal. Maybe, you can read up on body language. Or if there is an NT family member or friend who could tell you honestly what it is that your doing unconciously that is putting people off. I think we Aspies have blind spots when it comes to things like this.

Temple Grandin has a new book out called "The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships".There's a review at http://autism.about.com/od/booksaboutau ... /rules.htm.

Has anyone here read it yet?

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"[Asperger's] is simply human normalcy with the volume turned up."
Donna Williams

Conversation--small talk--is an art. It's very difficult, even for NTs. I am an NT, and I find that people who are considered good conversationalists by other NTs, tend to simply talk about themselves for a long time. The odd thing about this is, when you are an NT, you can talk about yourself all day long, and other people will still consider you socially appropriate. However, when an aspie does it, it is sometimes considered "odd." Maybe because of the degree of specificity of the conversation, or the talk about special interests, or... I don't know.

Anyway, looking at your list of solutions:

-Not talking is not making it better. Besides, odd as it seems, NTs can sit and not talk for hours and be fine with it., especially if they know each other well.

-Asking questions is a good idea, but you need to ask the right KIND of questions. The right questions lead to a free flowing conversation... the wrong questions make the conversation feel like an interrogation. Much of the time the questions people ask in conversation (both NTs and aspies) are "closed"--they have a yes, no, or few-word answer. For example, "how do you like this weather?" or "where were you born?" You might want to know the answer to those questions, but you are only going to get 2 or 3 words. Then you have to think up another question! Likewise, the standard conversation starter is "How are you doing?" Yet that can be, and often is, answered with one word!

You have to train yourself to do two things:
a) pick up bits of info from the person as they talk, and use those to create more conversational flow, and
b) ask "open-ended" questions.

An open-ended question is one that gets the other person talking. e.g. instead of "where did you grow up?" you could say "how was it different where you grew up from here?" or "what do you remember about your hometown that made it unique?"... the idea is to make the person interested in talking to you about themselves... and if they are good conversationalists, they might throw similar, related questions back at you. Or you can volunteer information back to them. And the good thing about it is an open-ended question requires the person to think, and form a response... so when you pause to form your response, it will be expected, and even looked at positively!

Note that lots of NTs suck at conversation. I often find myself making the conversation happen with an NT who doesn't make an equal effort in return. That doesn't mean they hate you, that just means they don't know how to do it. I am still not great at it, but I have gotten much better...

I recommend "The Fine Art of Small Talk" by Debra Fine... that was the book that helped me to get jump-started. I still refer to it from time to time.

i've experienced similar things with people that i am very close with. i find thier aloofness very disturbing and narrowly focused, considering that when a third party enters they seem to be suddenly filled with energy and interest. i don't know how old you are, considering that you mentioned stuffed animals, but it could also be that you're not talking about whatever may interest them. like, themselves, or thier hobbies/interests. it could also mean that these people may not really find you to be all that interesting or enjoyable to be around, and instead of bluntly telling you (an NT's worst fear for some reason) they'd prefer to just keep you in the dark. not certain, i just know things from what i've experienced irl. are these people that you are trying to maintain a good relation with?