How to behave

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hi jumanji

well social awkwardness... uh... umm.... I am pretty socially awkward, especially in new situations.

what other people seem to like is:

1. Smiling (this indicates having a good time, which they interpret as approval of their company/hosting)

2. Being agreeable (this includes paying simple compliments, like, um, "nice place you have here", offering to help serve the drinks, or following the general trend in commenting on the weather, etc)

3. Taking the whole event "lightly". For many people, socialising seems to be fun in itself. They do not seem to have large expectations about the social get-together, especially the quality of the communication. (which is mostly very shallow comments). It is "just a movie". So... I try to reduce how seriously I take it, because they obviously don't take it very seriously. In other words, I have to reduce my level of seriousness a whole lot to match up with their level. I try not to think it over too much.

Apart from that, I find a place I am comfortable to stand or sit, and pass the time. Sometimes there are objects in the room, which I can show interest in. This can lead to conversation.

Often there are others who are also "quiet" or on the outskirts of the group. Say hi to these people.
Meeting new people can lead to other social events with activities and discussions about things that interest me.

Actually, many people are veiwed as quiet socially.
This is totally acceptable, as long as the quiet person is also pleasant.

okay, well, any hints for me?
cheers

jimanji, your post reminds me of how I felt in my 20s. It was rather terrible, this "NOT KNOWING". Just floating in the current, not knowing where it takes you.

Here are some things I learned from many grave mistakes made over the years:

If you're good at making replies in written form, try and think of real-life exchanges as the same, only sped up by a factor of 20. Yes, this will tax your brain, but with this focus, you may also find yourself maintaining a conversation in a way that's close to who you ARE. It may not be very social, but it helps greatly to not look in the other person's eyes when you start talking, because it messes with focus while you gain inertia.

What you talk about doesn't really matter, but when in doubt, always be LIGHT. Observe your surroundings, there's ALWAYS something to comment on. And the comment does not even have to be verbal. For example, if you see a cat sitting in the open window, and manage to close it, and catch an understanding look or a nod from another person, this is an opening to talk to them.

Your exchange may be short or small, but it will start with the cat subject - "Whoa, that was close" "I know, what were they thinking?", and maybe die there, or maybe not. Sensing if you have something to go on at that point, depends on whether you intuitively feel the person is being receptive to you. If they say something and it's your turn to reply, you have to validate their reply, because you're new to one another.

In the show "Party Down" there's this awkward nerd guy walking around hitting on women in a stripper party, unsuccessfully. Finally, he catches one, and discovers they both like sci-fi.

SCORE!

And then she mentions that she likes dragons.

The guy replies with this monotonous tirade about how dragons are not true sci-fi. She walks away.

DO NOT DO THAT.

New links with people are fragile and require mutual validation. Don't come up to a liberal and tell them you hate Obama's guts. If you're a vegetarian and see someone enjoying steak, DON'T lecture them about it. Such conversation choices should be CROSSED OUT from your roster, because they are too dense, and you have not yet established the initial rapport+feedback structure with the other person, that can bear their weight.

GETTING OUT is okay. If you feel suffocated by the mundane fidgeting of the world around you, open the door and get outside. Stand around with the smokers, or whatnot. BREATHE.

Not being the center of attention is okay. But you may find yourself in desperate situations where you need to find someone to talk to and/or stand with, lest you remain awkwardly bouncing around the place, standing out, alone.

Look for openings. Statistically, someone around you will eventually pause, where you could join in on the subject. If the subject is not interesting or familiar, then don't bother trying that. But eventually something will come up, like a passing car you can latch on to, and skate down the street.

Man, Im in the same position you're in as far as not knowing what to say in these situations & I found something that might help you....

If you know these people [or some of them] before you go to these events, plan out topics to talk about. Then actually plan out your response to them & if you have an idea of how they'll respond, think of what to say in advance. Pretty much, try to picture having conversations with these people in your head before these events.

Those comments about "just relax" & "dont worry about what to talk about & it'll just happen" are crap if you dont plan in advance. Thats the only real way you can "relax" & not worry about it.

Trust me, Ive tried this & it really works. Im still socially awkward because apparently my mind doesnt work fast enough to come up with conversations on the spot but hopefully you dont have that problem. So have fun with that & let me know if it helps

*EDIT*
When you're planning out your response to that persons response, try to answer the who, what, where, why, & whens in your response. Or say something witty this way you have a backup

Oh, my.. The first post describes my problem exactly.


I also don't know the proper way to say goodbye... I usually don't say anything, I just leave. Later I get comments about why I just disappeared, or people tell me that they were worried.


When I try to be a part of a conversation, I just can't find the right time to say something. It always ends with someone else starts talking right before I'm about to talk. Usually I don't say anything unless I'm spoken to. Really awkward.

Not to mention all the times my topics are'nt appropriate.
"My gosh, why do you want to talk about that?", "How did you come up with that??", "I wonder what goes on in your head...", "Were you really thinking about that just now?", "It's rude changing the subject like that", "Uhm, we're kinda done talking about it.."
It makes me feel so stupid.

Have to mention, my classmates think I'm funny (in a good way) and sweet, they have'nt met anyone like be before, or at least thats what they've told me... I don't know what to think about that, I don't think it's cool that people think I'm funny when I'm not trying to be funny.


I'm usually very quiet, and often I don't want to speak, especially when I'm stressed or tired... Then I get really irritated/annoyed if people are trying to make me speak...

My best advice:

Think of someone you know who's outgoing. Think about what they might say in a situation. Think about what they might do. Then say and do those things. After a while, you'll be able to improvise better, make it truer to you, but in the meanwhile, you've got a pleasant outgoing personality to ride you through the evening.

Say a specific goodbye to the host and your friends. Thank the host for the invite and good time. Tell your friends you've got to go. If you meet someone new at the party who is talking to your friends or the host when you say goodbye, say goodbye and a "nice to meet you" to them, too. Keep it simple but touch those bases.



I've gotten that, too. Nothing beats the feeling of an entire Thanksgiving Dinner table of in-laws (now ex-inlaws) looking at you like you're the stupidest piece of crap on the planet. And that was back when they liked me.

Now, I've learned to brush it off. If I don't get to speak, I don't take it personal. If I want to say something for the sake of not being a wallflower but can't get the timing right, I'll get the attention of someone next to me and say what I was going to say. Even if I'm not the person everyone's paying attention to, people notice that I'm being social. That's actually a trick I picked up from my uncle, who isn't on the spectrum but likes delivering his sarcasm on the sly.

My best guess for negative comments about your choice of topics is to brush them off. "Oh c'mon" is a good neutral comment and then repeat what you said.



I come from a family that takes comedy very seriously. They made fun of me a lot when I young because I wouldn't get jokes... not the jokes I was too young to get but the jokes that I should've gotten at my age. They were really mean about it. I figured out that my unintentional jokes read as dry humor and I used that to my advantage. If you'll notice Phyllis Diller, a brilliant pioneer for women in comedy, she tells a joke and then acts surprised when others laugh and laughs along with them! I understood her schtick to soften the impact of a "funny woman" in showbusiness. If she acted like she didn't know she was funny, it would be easier to accept her. Well, you can use the same tactic, except that you'll be genuinely surprised for a while.

I attacked comedy like a science until I understood it. You can do the same. You can learn to harness your natural delivery as a way to enhance your social interaction so that people are laughing when you want them to laugh. What's cool is that you'll have control of laughing with them. You won't have to do the Phyllis Diller surprise anymore. That makes for a killer delivery.



Oh I know. I have no advice for that since I still haven't mastered mind control of other people. I'll let you know.

At the initial stage, I tried doing this for a long time and it backfired horribly. My "mask" was too distant from my core behavior, and this caused a delay in modeling my "mask"'s responses to unforeseen events. Plus, everyone could see that I was being a clown.

"Making it truer to you" is vital from the beginning. It shortens the feedback path between outside and inside, and makes your responses more natural and relevant (and therefore, strong).

You're absolutely right! I've used that technique to get me through awkward occassions but it's so true that you have to inject yourself into it for it to be believable. Plus YOU want to have a good time at these parties, too, not just play a part the whole night.

I'll try to do that!
It sounds so easy, but just the thought of it makes me feel so anxious. I guess I'll just have to get used to it.




Thanks for the advise.
At least not all the comments I get are negative.




Sorry to hear about your family, must have been unpleasant..

I actually can produce comedy and jokes, and I'm quite good at it I think. I use ironi and sarkasm pretty much, and "black humor" (the norwegian word, galgenhumor, is it gallows humour in english?), and dry humor..

But I guess I still have a lot to learn, to figure out why people think I'm joking when I'm not. That thing you said about your unintentional jokes read as dry humor, makes total sense. I think that's what happens to me to.
I'll defenitly try using your tactic from now on!



Haha, awesome!! Looking forward to it!

We're getting a lot of great replies. Keep it up guys.

Wallourdes, by "more concerned," I meant the guys paid more attention, that is they spent more time talking to the girls.

Monsterland, great tips. I'd love to hear more from you about other suggestions you may have. Please post again.

King Henry, I completely agree. I can not stand when I ask for help on here and all people say is try and you'll be fine. I have tried and it didn't turn out fine otherwise, I wouldn't be posting.

Let's keep this topic alive. Keep posting.

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