Growing out of awkwardness

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Hey all,

I was wondering if anyone here is in the same boat as me. I'm in my mid-20s, and I would classify myself as a half-Aspie (and tests like the Aspie quiz bear that out.) I was very anti-social as a child - I didn't have friends at school, some relatives have told me that I seemed "kind of autistic," and apparently I was very bossy with the children of family friends that I did spend time with. And I disliked changes of plans, loud sounds, and there were a number of sensations that were unpleasant to me that other people didn't mind at all.

I learned about Asperger's when I started college and for a long time I was very loath to admit it could have anything to do with me - I was just used to assuming that I was different and smarter than other people. But eventually, I saw that perhaps some of my uniqueness was interfering with my social life and that I should try to work on it. I'm sure this part of the story sounds familiar enough to people...

But anyway, the thing I didn't expect is that once I decided to work on it I really had very little trouble becoming pretty normal. I still have days when I feel anti-social and feel less like being with people, but other than that, I seem pretty NT. I have no trouble reading facial expressions; my own facial expressions and body language are quite typical; I occasionally feel shy about eye-contact, but mostly when I think about it, etc. And despite the fact that I didn't have true friends (or see the point of them, really) in high school, I can now pick and choose my friends (I still prefer to hang out with smart people, but most of my friends are decidedly socially astute and NT.)

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone has had the same experience. Is it that I was just so mild that it was easy for me to learn things when I had half a mind to do so? I know lots of very awkward people who report having many more childhood friendships and a more typical social life - it just doesn't make sense that I'd be able to learn so easily...

I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging, but I've been feeling puzzled by the experience. I look forward to hearing back from people!

Yeah, that's basically me. 10 years ago, I would be classified as having mild AS. Now, I'm just a nutter. I can be as normal as I choose to be. The reason I was able to learn these things so well is because I grew up in a pretty good situation. Parents that had enough money to get me whatever I wanted, and even though I never asked for much, I never had to worry about finances. I had a nice neighborhood, a nice school district, and a family that is all together (as in not having divorced parents, and having enough family members to have a decent enough Christmas) as well as a good surrounding area and lots of time to myself to ponder my existence.

So yeah, I grew out of it.

I am in a similar situation.

Interesting! Do you guys have any remaining issues? I know some people have reported being now able to 'pass' while working hard at it, yet still seeming a little 'off' once people got to know them... And I read some threads where people say that relationships beyond a certain level of emotional intimacy (like dating relationships) are still difficult. Do you fall into either of those categories, or are you just basically... normal, except with a memory of being much weirder?

I'm still a little bit awkward, even though I'm 21 and had plenty of time to grow out of it.
In any event anyway, wheres the fun if everyone ISNT just awkward in some way?

I come and go it seems in phases. I am the most awkward now that I have ever been.......and also the most paranoid and the most depressed..........

I feel like I've grown out of it, too! I can strike up conversations, make people laugh, get numbers, and can breeze through any social gathering. I do weekly trivia, keep up with the local music and art scene, and I used to volunteer quite often (trying to get back into it). I've had no trouble getting dates in the past, though I'm not looking right now. I'm genuinely fascinated by people and interested in what they have to say.
Unfortunately, I have problems forming long lasting friendships - I'm pretty much working from scratch here, and as much as it sucks, it's very hard to make new friends without having friends already. The majority of my relationships, romantic or otherwise, rarely go beyond 'casual acquaintance' status. People tell me I'm interesting, fun to be around, etc cetera, and I believe for the most part they are being honest. But most people already have a busy social circle, and thus it's easy for a loose coin to slip them by.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm unknowingly sending off some bad vibes - that people can tell there is something wrong once we spend enough time together, and thus try to avoid me, whether consciously or not!

I know what you mean, ruckus - making long-term, close friends is a complicated social dance, and I often feel like I'm missing some of the training I'm supposed to have. For example, there's a fine balance between being inviting and friendly and being desperate for friendship which I still haven't quite figured out. I've been hanging out with some of the same people for a number of years now, but then I've been living in the same place: I'm quite apprehensive about what will happen to these friendships when I move away next year...

On the other hand, my observations show that making good friends after college is difficult for just about everyone. So perhaps I'm over-thinking things...

I think aspies, just like NT people grow and change. Life's just one big learning curve-right?

I'm 34 now and my external aspieness has fluctuated along with life's changes. If I am under stress or unhappy my quirks are more apparent to others, I spend more time stimming and need to spend more time alone. The opposite tends to be true when I am happy, in good health, life going well etc...Internally I am the same person, same thoughts it's just that some years have been easier than others.

Um, grad girl, are you my long-lost twin by any chance?

Seriously, though, you sound almost exactly like me. My therapist thought I might have a very mild form of Asperger's when I was about 13, which came as a shock to me. I always thought I was just shy and quirky, but not someone with an actual disorder. I had some weird behaviors as a kid, reacted negatively to changes like starting high school (although that may have been due to social anxiety), liked following a routine, didn't need friends until I was about 15, and wasn't really sure how to go about making them later on. The curious thing about friends is that when I believed I had AS, I kinda thought, "What's the point?" and hardly bothered trying. I made conversations with my classmates and they seemed to like me well enough, but I never even thought to invite them to my house or to see a movie. I figured we'd just become friends naturally by seeing each other in school.

In college, however, I became seriously depressed about my nonexistent social life and started going to therapy again. This time, I vowed to stay there until I learned to make friends, and soon enough, my therapist told me that there's nothing wrong with me besides for shyness and social anxiety. She helped me improve my attitude, and soon enough, I found myself with friends. Turns out all I needed was a little push to make me more confident.

Now I sometimes freak out over what the hell was wrong with me in the past. I know Asperger's can't be cured, but if I overcame my problems with hardly any effort, maybe I never had it in the first place?

BTW, grad girl, you don't strike me as an Aspie, based on your post.

Good to hear from you, Black_tea! I've always wanted to have a twin...

Anyway, yeah, your experience sounds very much like mine! I didn't have anyone tell me I might have AS until college, but other than that, it really does sound similar. I'm glad you have friends now, too!

Yeah... I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what might have been wrong with me before, too. Sometimes I wind up feeling like an impostor - I'll be hanging out with friends, and I'd realize how different their childhood/high school experience was from mine, despite the fact that we're no longer very different all. it freaks me out...

What do you mean about me not sounding Aspie, by the way? I'm sure the description of my childhood sounds Aspie enough - is it the fact that I learned so easily, or something about the way I express myself?

Again, thanks for your reply! I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one in this situation.

Yeah that is very close to the situation I have gone through. I regret not discovering AS earlier then 2 years ago. Had I known why I was different I think my teenage years would have been a lot less traumatic. I rarely think of anything that I went through beyond 4 years ago. Because I spent most of my life not knowing I was different and having only NT friends I have gotten pretty good at 'faking' being normal though sometimes it makes me feel like I have two separate people living in me. I used to make great efforts to hide my intellectual interests as they got me a lot of criticism and bullying as I grew up but now I recognize them as integral to who I am and so I'm much more comfortable with myself then I used to be. If people look at me oddly for being totally uninterested in most of the frivolous things they talk about, or my unconventional viewpoints on many topics, I don't take it as a personal insult like I used to.
Another thing that helped me out of being totally awkward to being 50% awkward ( ) was my realization that, at least around here, if you watch Hockey, you can basically talk to everybody

Nevermind

I completely empathize, when I was a child (at least to my understanding) I could not really interact with anybody at all unless they were either aware of my condition, being prompted to by someone else, or just used to dealing with me. By the time I reached adolescence, I was able to interact with people a lot better, but I was left with a crippling self-consciousness and social anxiety which left me really really awkward. I had friends, but I always (and still do) question the value of these friendships, and the degree to which these "friends" considered me friends. Now I know that I'm definitely awkward and eccentric to some degree, but I use it to my advantage, at least that's what I think. I'm pretty sure that I blend in with most NT's, with very few (if any) have suspensions that I'm an Aspie.

Sorry, super late reply. lol But to answer your question, I think that if you really had Asperger's, you'd have a much harder time adapting to the NT world. From what I read on this site, Aspies need to make a conscious effort to appear normal when they're around people. They need to use their mental "database" to come up with appropriate responses to people's questions and statements, to logically figure out someone's emotions based on the facial expressions they make, to use social scripts for any given situation. Kate Goldfield describes it really well:

"Every interaction we have is like solving a five hundred piece puzzle before the time is up. When we see a person we would like to interact with, first we must decide if we have enough energy to go through with the interaction. Whereas a large segment of the population gets energy from interaction with others, for us it can be sometimes dangerously overwhelming and depleting. It is like a forbidden fruit that we would like to enjoy but must weigh the consequences. Then we have to figure out, often in just a few seconds, what we’re going to say and how we’re going to say it and try to double check it before we say it to make sure, to the best of our knowledge, that it might be something that could flow reasonably into the conversation. We have to call up old scripts and decide which is most appropriate for the situation. And on top of all that, we have to make it sound as natural as we can."

The best explanation I can think of for us is the Broader Autism Phenotype, i.e. being NT with some Aspie traits. If Tony Attwood is right about 20% of children with AS fail to meet the criteria as adults, then those children are probably BAP.

No worries! It's good to hear from you. Yes, I'd agree with you that the BAP is a good explanation for the phenomenon, and it does seem that the true Aspies seem much more unable to interact socially with the world. Sometimes I get confused, though - some people on here do talk about having a good number of friends, and I'm sure quite a few people (especially those diagnosed as kids) come off in real life as nothing more than mildly awkward. Of course, the subjective experience of the interactions is also important... I haven't figured out if anyone on here has eventually decided that some socializing is intuitive.

It's interesting, actually... I've heard a lot of people talk about the fact that socializing seems like extremely tiring acting to them, and that they just copy other people. I don't feel like that, exactly... but on my off days, I do feel like I'm acting - it's just that I'm copying myself when I'm in a better mood, as opposed to other people. This leads to a much smaller number of mistakes, I assume, and a better self-awareness... but I figure that's not exactly how everyone experiences socializing. Do you ever have days like that, where you have to pretend - but not pretend to be someone else, just yourself in a more sociable mood?