A "Dealing With Friends" Question

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I am currently a member of a tight group of four individuals who have started making movies and skits for YouTube in the Western North Carolina area. I didn't approach none of these individuals. The main person who started this all works at the same job I do, and he eagerly approached me for getting involved after finding out I had a penchant for computer skills. I have been doing so ever since. And things have been going fine, for the most part. Recently, though, things are just starting to get to me.

I have agreed to take this person here and there, given the fact I drive and he doesn't. I never had much problems with that, but it seems as of now I feel like I am being used. He is trying to convince me to drive us all to a music festival about 400 to 500 miles away.

First of all, I am not too comfortable with large crowds. I have been to concerts in the past, but I never really feel at ease. I often feel dazed and in a trance when I am with a large crowd, and often just sit down and pay attention to the show. I don't really appear to get into it, as many other people do. I am more serene and calm, and I likely appear to be just an oddball.

I wouldn't say that the four individuals I hang around with are social creatures, either, but they don't have a problem with crowds and have a lot of energy. One of them I know has ADHD, and the other I suspect does. They can easily get into the nature of the moment. When I get in a crowded area, I tend to become much less active and more sullen. I can also become a bit uneasy and arrogant if approached under such a situation. This has happened in the past, but my friends here simply wipe it off as just another day. One thing I like about having this cadre of friends is that they are either unaware or simply forgiving of all my social inadequacies. What I don't like about them is that they sometimes try to push me into directions I feel quite uncomfortable in. And if I say anything, they tend to tease me about it, which makes me even more agitated. I usually go along with them, simply to ease the situation.

This situation, however, involves more than just simply going to a crowded area. The one friend is paying for all of our tickets and has agreed to pay for the gas money involved. That would be OK, but there's something else that has me concerned. I can't really afford to put a lot of strain on my car at the moment, and it has about 110,000 miles on it. I need it to get to and from work, and I am quite weary of putting nearly a thousand miles on it. He is telling me not to worry about it, and that we'll figure out the vehicle issues later. He says he is only worried about getting the tickets at this point, since they are liable to sell out quickly. I know how this person tends to think, and I can visualize what is likely to happen.

This friend has a girlfriend in Puerto Rico that he has been chatting with over the Internet. He had made plans to see her just two months ago. I was the only one who could drive him the needed 50 miles to the airport, so I originally agreed. The problem was that a really bad snowstorm arrived at the time I had to drive him, and so he demanded I do it anyway. I asked him what would happen if I refused since the driving conditions were bad. He told me that I would owe him all the money he lost on the tickets. So, I reluctantly did it.

I am in a similar situation again. He will have previously paid for the tickets, and then is going to respond with something like I would owe him all the money if I refused. There's little to no doubt about this. He says we can worry about the vehicle situation later, but I don't see any other way this can turn out. He often says that we're all a team, and once a decision is made that we have to stick to it.

This is the main reason why I abhor friendships. I have told them that I am not at all a social person, but they probably don't see it. There is this thing with me where I tend to become the personality of the people I'm with. If they're active, then I tend to be active. If they're angry, then I tend to be angry. I tend to be more active and more social when I am with them. When I try to stand my ground, they make accusations that I'm a bit weak and need to strengthen up.

They tell me not to worry about crowds. Strangely enough, I didn't. I flipped out while playing pool once in regards to this. I told him I felt uneasy going in there when it was so crowded, but he told me that we didn't drive down here for nothing. So, we went in. We played pool. I simply didn't care and refused to care about hitting anyone with my pool stick behind me. One woman turned around and told me how angry she was that I kept hitting her kids with the end of my poolstick. I simply screamed that it was too crowded in here and that she should watch her kids. She should have, but that's beside the point. My friend thought it was all quite funny, and so we decided to use some really bad language throughout the rest of the game. I really didn't think it was all funny, and I was quite agitated. But I am quite good at feigning my emotions.

I had to write this. I just don't know how to handle situations like this. How can you resolve situations like this?

Set boundaries and stick to them. Don't consent to letting yourself be used.

Here are a few rules which I try to live by.

If I agree to give someone a ride somewhere, I will follow through unless something prohibitive comes up, such as some illness which would impair my ability to drive safely, car problems, or so on.

If I agreed to take someone to the airport, they bought the tickets based on that, and a storm occurred, unless I felt there was no way I could safely navigate the storm, I'd still take them if they had no other way, provided I felt I could do so safely.

I do not let people pressure me into driving them places when I feel it's unreasonable. If a friend or group of friends were trying to insist I drive them 400 or 500 miles to a concert I didn't want to go to, in a car I felt might not make it, I'd tell them no, it's too far and my car has too many miles on it. True friends will respect this. It's actually cheaper to fly that distance anyway.

So basically, when dealing with friends, define your boundaries well. Have a reasonable degree of consideration for them, but demand they have a same degree of consideration for you.

... and I bet he never even gave you much of a chance to graciously offer.


I definitely agree.


Me too.


If he can afford a plane ticket to Puerto Rico, he can afford a cab fare to the airport.


Whether or not he is doing this consciously, he is an abusive manipulator.


His manipulative behaviours -- his personal goals and decisions -- do not constitute binding, team decisions.


Intentionally or consciously not, they are bullying whenever they do that.


I do not know what might be easiest for you, but you might have to just drive away from those bullying, manipulative "friends".

Yes, it's cheaper to fly. But then that would mean we'd have to all get fairly expensive lodging. I am comfortable living in a tent. And the others are planning to sleep in my car.



That's obviously what I'm trying to do. I guess it's more of a question as to where my boundaries end and theirs begins. That's not the kind of thing I can easily picture. Everything seems too discordant, as if the boundaries intersect quite variably based on involved circumstances. In situations like these, it seems I have to rely on social introspection. And it gets so frustrating.

In the case of the situation with the concert...
The people are your friends...supposedly. So you have some degree of obligation to go out of your way for them during times of need to help them mitigate problems that would create undo hardships in their life, when those closer to them are unable to do so.

So you have some amount of responsibility to put yourself out for your friends at some cost to you, but is the concert one of those situations?

What type of event is the concert? Recreational.

Will taking them cause a profound negative impact on your life? Yes. It will drain you of energy, produce anxiety, and potentially cause your car to break down, robbing you of transportation, for which you will incur great expenses to rectify, which your friends likely will not pay, and will put you in a situation of undo financial and life hardship.

So taking them to this event will cause you an extreme amount of inconvenience and hardship.

What impact does you not taking them have on them?
Does it cause them any undo hardship? No, it's just a concert, they want to go to have fun.
Are you putting them in harms way by not taking them as can be determined within reason? No.
Can they find another way to get there if they really wanted to go? Yes, but they choose not to because it will cause they don't want to pay for it...or maybe they wouldn't be able to afford it then, but it seems clear that they'd rather put you at a large inconvenience than spring a few extra bucks for lodging.

So you see, your obligation to them in this situation is small, the potential impact to you of taking them is quite large, and the potential impact to them by you not taking them is quite small.

You are not only within your right to say no, you actually kind of have an obligation to yourself to do so.

The only justification for you making such a drive would be if someone was dying or in a life threatening situation and you had to get to them, or get a close friend or relative to them. Or, maybe if your dog or cat or the dog or cat of someone very close to you had managed to end up so far away and you had to go get them, or if a very close friend or family member got stranded so far away and for some reason there was no way to wire money to them or get them tickets to get home, or something like that.