the line between being forgiving and being a pushover?

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I often wonder if i am over forgiving, or even an easily manipulated pushover. I go out of my way to help people, and often times wind up feeling taken advantage of like I'm a tool, because the other person doesn't return the kindness...whether it's a girl who I listen to her problems, and then she never returns my calls, or the friend I help, who then proceeds to ignore me.

recently, i got rather screwed over by a friend/roommate. I was eager to move out of my parent's place, and he was renting a house with another friend and needed a third person. Fast forward several months. The third guy decide to move out over issues with the landlords. And when that happened, my friend just abruptly announced he was leaving to, since he didn't have a reason to stay now that his friend had moved (he seemed to forget I WAS HIS FRIEND TOO). A week later he's gone, moved out, absent. I'm left with a house all to myself, which would be great except there's the matter of the 1200 rent. I failed to find replacements, and now there is a family interested in renting it, which means I'll probably have to move. the landlords have been very nice, but they've gotta make their money on the deal, and I can't afford it. So I'm having to scramble to find a place, and it's going to be tough on my savings, since I don't make a lot of money.

Well, yesterday things came to a head, and I wrote a long, angry text to the friend who got me in and bailed on me. I told him I was going to have to move, and he didn't handle things right, and was incosiderate, and I deserved better treatment given I always paid on time, and kept the place cleaner than they did. I ended by saying we were no longer friends, and I never wanted to hear from him. It felt good.

then I get a text in response and he's overly conciliatory and asking for forgiveness, and he wants to be my friend still, and naturally I feel bad, and want to reach out and apologize for being overly harsh.

Yet should I? I mean what he did was pretty crappy, and it's thrown a big wrench in my life. He sure wasn't a very good friend when he was around, and is it my fault now? Should I feel bad or guilty now that he is upset? Or should I harden myself, and avoid contact with people who just hurt me?

Where is the line between being genuinely forgiving of people deserving it, and being so forgiving that one becomes like a battered spouse in a way, always coming back and allowing the cycle to continue?

Well, i would tell him we can still be friends, but tell him that your not just gonna forgive him for leaving you in a situation like that. I mean he is still your friend, but he left you in a horrible situation to go hang with another friend. I would tell him that you forigve him, but you really need help in either paying your rent or finding another home, and since he agreed to live with you and help pay the rent, he should help you out.

And actually if he really was a crappy friend, maybe you should just forget about him and try to handle this on your own. I know its hard but you still have your dignity. Basically what i think you should ask yourslef is, if i take help from him again, will i end up in an even worse situation than if i just got him out of my life?

I'd say leave him with no answer for a little while and see how much of an effort he makes to get a response from you, and in the meantime come up with a good way of firmly saying you need and deserve his help to get yourself set up with a new place. He has no right to treat you like you don't matter, especially if you're far nicer to him. The idea is to get him in a situation where he has to fully acknowledge the responsibility he failed to fulfill. His response should say a lot about whether he's worth keeping around.

The guy's probably just not that mature. And sadly, it does sound like he treated you as a second-tier friend. Many times, I thought of someone as a friend or potential friend, only to find out later that from their perspective they think of me more as 'just' an acquaintance or 'just' a classmate.

Yet should I? I mean what he did was pretty crappy, and it's thrown a big wrench in my life. He sure wasn't a very good friend when he was around, and is it my fault now? Should I feel bad or guilty now that he is upset? Or should I harden myself, and avoid contact with people who just hurt me?

Where is the line between being genuinely forgiving of people deserving it, and being so forgiving that one becomes like a battered spouse in a way, always coming back and allowing the cycle to continue?
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Friendship is a two way road. Hardening yourself doesn't work, not in the long run. Be yourself, and train yourself to be stronger, but don't change who you are for a piece of trash like that. Also, there's a difference between friends and acquaintances, it took me a long long time to figure it out, and when I did, I really began to notice what a real friend does. Watches your back, is dependable, will sacrifice for you, is honest with you, they are that an a thousand more things. Sometimes they are silly and try to hide their true feelings, feelings have never been a very big part of society (now more than ever, but still low in my opinion).
I tried to avoid contact with people who hurt me, it worked, but in time I began to want to go out and socialize (humans are great apes, a social species) but I had nobody to go to, I had burned all the bridges and I hurt myself with negative thoughts. The best strategy is to keep trying, use good judgement and have faith, there are good people out there! I eventually found one good friend and in the end that's all you really need.
The line is when push comes to shove, that line is different for everyone because everyone values morals differently. Some people will forgive others until it causes their pre-eminent death. Others wont forgive their own mothers for birthing them. Being very forgiving isn't a weakness, its a strength many don't possess. But you need to recognize that it is a vulnerability, and you need to be careful with it because there are ALOT of people in this world who take advantage of forgiving people.

It took me a long time to figure that out, too.

I really like the idea of medium step, feedback, next medium step, more feedback, etc. This medium step approach damage controls when the other person really isn't a friend. And it also opens the door to good stuff when the person can and does act like a friend.

From a practical perspective you may wish to remember that sharing a flat with this individual may not work out. You shouldn't feel any negative pressures about keeping a "black mark" in your friend's file in your head, to the effect of "this fella's somewhat inconsiderate w.r.t. adapting to changes in living situation; try not to live with him again." [1]

As a general way to approach life, I like the advice above. Above everything else, *own* the situation, *own* your own choices. Decide that you have a choice in these things; don't resign yourself to being driven around by events.

[1] There's a couple I'm close friends with, with whom I'd once tried to share a flat. Turned out to be a bit of a disaster; they couldn't hold up their end of things financially. So themselves and myself still hang out, can still go out and get dinner, have a laugh. But I'll not become involved in any financial dealings that they're involved in.

That's probably good. Setting limits and boundaries.

And maybe the friends will grow and become more mature. But growth can't be hurried or bullied, any more than a person can make a plant grow faster by pulling up on the roots!