I don't deserve the friends I have

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I just feel so self conscious around my friends. I have a fear that they don't really like me, but just "allow' me to hang with them, or to come to their party because they feel sorry for me and they take pity on pathetic ole me.

Like, I'm a road runner, and I run and train with a lot of the really good area runners. Sure I can keep up with them fine on runs, but I suck as a racer. Today we all did a big race in the city, and I had a bad day and practically staggered across the finish while they all ran great.

I feel embarrassed for them that I hang with them. I don't deserve to. They are so much better than me, who am I to think I am good enough to be with them.

And after the race there were so many cute girls hanging around but god damn my f*****g weak self I couldn't talk to any of them, but I think, "I'm a loser, I ran a bad race, why would they even want to talk to me? They could have someone better, faster, stronger, than me."

In fact, after the race, I quickly left. I just couldn't bear it. I had to go home and be alone. I can't bear to be around all these people who I know won't accept me, because I'm not deserving of their friendship. There were thousands of people, yet I felt completely alone, and I fear my whole life will be the same. It's got me thinking should I just end it now, and do everyone a favor?

How would that be doing anyone a favor? Has anyone even asked?

I have your same dilemma: I think everyone is either talking about me or else I must somehow be invisible ...

... and then ending my own life would just cause everyone to talk about me without even seeing me ...

... and all of that means suicide changes nothing.

Hang in there, and keep "running the race" ... and begin watching for the quiet girl who is impressed by your doing so.

Nah, someone has to come last. As long as you aren't pulling them back they're probably just relieved it's not them.

Next time maybe force yourself to hang around afterwards if you think you'll regret it later, but other than that can't see anything from what you've written that would make/show your friends hate you.

Most certainly not, my friend. There's a huge chance that your friends actually love your company. I felt the same when I was slowly being integrated into a large group of people. It felt weird to keep coming around when I had similar feelings to yours in the back of my head, but I realized that they wouldn't keep inviting me if they didn't want me around. Sure, I'm a weird guy, but after a while I loosened up and everyone found the unique things I had to say very interesting. I made them think and I made them laugh in ways other people couldn't. We're special people, man. Don't deny those folks the chance to meet you.

sounds like aspergers, the not wanting to be around other people (burn bridges syndrome) and bi polar (heavy negativity). I think alot of those things you do, and when I do, I pull out my punching bag or workout set and I start sweating. It doenst help, girls dont want bigger, stronger, faster, not any longer than you want a super model. The real secret to women is.. complicated. Heres some hinters tho, know what you want, be willing to settle (better than staying single forever, dont lie to her and say you love her of course, be frank and honest with her but dont be an ass), have faith to keep trying, its a long road and there are a LOT of potholes

There is no benefit to having a boyfriend who can run the farthest or fastest. Being an Olympic sprinter may intrigue some women, but it has no bearing on having a relationship.

Not even attempting to socialize with women is what keeps them away, regardless of how you came over a finish line in a race. I realize it feels demoralizing to come in last after you trained hard, but you won't have a bad day every time, and someone else will have to come in last next time. Meanwhile you are building a sexy and fit body, which women really do like.