Social Help

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In just two days, I'll begin another year of college. There are lots of things going on in the days before and the first few days after class begins. Some are sponsored by the school, others are things like house parties.

Socially, I have done much better than I expected.. In part, because of the fact that I am able to hang out with members of a certain group of people. Even if I haven't met them before, the fat that they are in that group (which I'm not a part of but have a lot of friends in) means we know a lot of the same people so we can bond quickly.

My goal, however, is to expand and meet new people outside of this group. It is imperative for me. And while this is difficult for me in the first place, it is particularly difficult when iit comes to socializing with women. I can start a conversation, but after just a moment (after the usual hi, how are you, what's your major, what do you like to do), I don't know what to talk about to keep their interest.

Advise please.

The one key thing with the opposite sex is... well that they are human too.

Be interested in them. They have plenty of topics to divulge on. Just like you would if you were asked the same.

The typically "don't know what to say" is kind of more "This girl is pretty, what am I allowed to say?" She obviously has more then 1 layer as a human, so ask what you would any other guy friend and carry on from there.

You don't know what to talk about unless you ask, right?

One of the secrets of good conversations is "Always leave them wanting more." At a party, if your chat is petering out and you're about to say "um..ok..." then it's time to cut your losses. Just smile and say, "Hey, I'm gonna get another drink/see what they're doing over there/use the bathroom, great talking to you, see you around." If you think of more things to say, you can always check in with her later on in the night. And in any event, her last impression of you is the funny thing you said about your professor, and not the awkward silence that followed.

Good job so far. Let's keep the discussion going.

Anyone else?

You can meet people outside of this group by asking to be introduced to the group member's mutual friends. From what I've experienced and seen with groups, not everyone in each group hangs around with the same people all the time.

When you make it clear to the group that you'd like to meet some more people (but emphasise that you value being in the group, or they'll feel you are ditching them), they'll likely be more than happy to help. Plus, if you allow your mutual friend to do the introduction, a lot of the inital awkwardness is gone because 1) you won't have to approach them yourself and 2) you already have something to talk about (the mutual friend).

As for knowing how to keep a conversation going, look for common experiences. If you are at a friends house, ask how they know the mutual friend and share how you know them. Comment on the party and the general atmosphere. Take an interest in the other person's life and try not to focus too much on yourself...this is a surefire way to keep their attention.

I also agree with the other posters...treating girls, especially if you're attracted to them, like any other guy friend and asking them the same questions is a good way to approach things. Personally, as a girl, I keep a heavy guard when meeting other men as I don't like the feeling of being hit on or having a guy hinting he is attracted to me upon the first meeting. Other girls feel the same way.

I should also mention, that the members of this group will (even if only unconsciously) judge me on my ability to relate to not only males but females as well. It is sort of expected that I will have basic skills in socializing with women (which I don't).

I guess your first priority is to become comfortable with girls, then. Best way to do this is exposure therapy. If there's a girl sitting beside you in your class, use this as an opportunity to practice by having a conversation with her. Who knows, you may end up gaining a friend.

In high school, I didn't even give it a second thought. Then one day, while in college I looked at my cell phone contacts (and later my facebook friends) and I realized that only about 30% (sometimes its even lower) of my friends are girls. I'd like to see that number as at least 40%.

So I did the whole exposure therapy thing and it helped some, but not much. I'm at a loss. It's unfortunate that I'm usually not able to socialize (even with girls whom I have no physical attraction to whatsoever) with girls and most of my male friends don't have that issue (again, when it is platonic).

I haven't figured out how to bottle the success that I've had with the few females who I get along with and bring it to the rest of the world of women.

Keep the suggestions coming. Good job so far from everyone who has replied. But do keep them coming.

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If you were the reason for your social success, you would not be clueless.
In all likelihood, the women you know are your friends because of who they are and their tolerances of people like you.
You make it sound like you are a collector. If you bottle it, you will make friends you didn't know you never wanted.
Alternatively, it's good to practice being interested in popular culture subjects and anything else of interest to your target audience.