Avoiding people who obviously like me

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I saw sluice post something very similarly titled , though the contents of sluice's post are different.
My problem is with friends I have who definitely like me, who actively seek to hang out with me, and I avoid any contact with them. It's not that I dislike them, in fact some of them are people who I would like nothing more than to become closer with. My problem is that some part of me feels like if they got to know me more, perhaps all amiability would disappear. Like, by maintaining distance between myself and them I could keep up the illusion that I've been holding up instead of giving them a chance to maybe find out that I'm boring, or immature, or just generally incompatible with their personality. The worst thing is I can tell that this is so INCREDIBLY counterproductive to what I want, how the only outcome of this pushing people away will only make it appear as if I'm disinterested in them, (which I am most certainly not) eventually leading to the thing that I feared in the first place! If I can think that out logically, why can't I act upon it?

You want friendship, but you're protecting yourself from disappointment. It's more common than you think.

I am having a similar dilemma currently. The people who seem to like me want to hang out and I get so anxious I'm going to blow it and they'll think I'm a weirdo that I dont want them to get too close. I have already had experiences where I hung out with people outside normal circumstances (work, school, etc) only for them to lose interest in the friendship immediately after. That hurts an already bruised ego. Its understandable people dont want to be around others that make them uncomfortable and I feel like I make most people feel awkward. Its not my imagination either, I can feel that tension when I happens and I've heard others when they thought I wasn't near commenting on my unwanted presence. Blah.

I still hold off on revealing aspergers to most of the world because then on top of being perceived as a weirdo, they'll also perceive you as a handicapped 'tard. Sorry if that offends anyone but when you say Aspergers, people first giggle and then when you tell them what it is,they think it sounds like a handicap.

Exactly.

I'm an NT adult male and recently an adult female at work that I am slowly (over the course of a year) becoming friends with revealed to me that she has aspergers via e-mail.

Your post has struck a chord with me. I am concerned that she might have similar fears that I might perceive her with the prejudices that you worry about - “weirdo”, “’tard” etc. I want to reassure her that her aspergers doesn’t change anything and that I don’t think of her as a “weirdo” etc., but I don’t’ know how to approach her about it or even if I should. Would you consider it patronising to say something? Is it reasonable to assume she does have such concerns about what I think in regards to her disclosure; I think I would feel vulnerable if the roles were reveased? Or do you think it’s even necessary for me to say anything?

Many thanks for any comments.

I'd think a very casual "Thanks for sharing that with me, about your Aspergers" would always be appreciated. Attempting to reassure her might come off as patronizing, though you sound like anything but. At the end of the day, there is a bit of vulnerability involved in putting one's self out there as Aspie, and you could always say something offhand to let her know you appreciate her sharing it.

Well I guess this is a good place for my first post. I am not "diagnosed" Aspergers yet, but I recently learned about it on the web and then bought a book and so far it describes me to a T. I have spent the majority of my life in solitude for the very reasons you speak of. Despite offers of friendship, etc. I have avoided other people because I know sooner or later I'm going to say something stupid and make an ass of myself. Counterproductive, yes, but safe. My fear of being critiqued or analyzed by others has blown almost every relationship or possibility for a relationship I've ever had. I still find myself asking "is this social anxiety or Aspergers?", and wonder whether any of it really matters. Is there really any benefit to being diagnosed and if I knew for sure would it help me find some cure or answers that would in any way help? I wonder if anybody here has found any of the answers they were looking for or if this is just a place they come to vent anonymously? Speaking of venting, I guess that's enough for this newbie.

Cheers - nomad

lordgin, your sentiments are certainly easy for me to relate to.

as i improved socially, more opportunities were available for me. while i did master the more basic fundamentals of socializing, when i went into the more intermediate-level of socializing, you are going to experience many things that you did not experience before, leaving you some chance of error. but once you practice those things, the intermediate level of socializing comes as easy as the basic fundamentals are after you practice them.

one example is as i was more respected by people, my actions were being observed more closely. i had to hold myself to a higher standard and really watch what i said to others, and such.

I can relate, too. But I am not sure if I want to socialize or not: when I am alone, I feel lonely. When I talk to somebody, I want to be left alone. Although I am always concerned about saying or doing something stupid (it always happens), I do not think that it is the only reason.

I can somewhat relate. When I don't want to hang out with friends it's because I'd rather be at home doing art or gaming, but then again when I get lonely I want to hang out with someone. It's odd, I seem to want the opposite in some cases, either that or it's selfishness on my part :/

I have had exactly this problem all my life. I've no idea if I'm a "people person" or not because of it. I always wanted friends, but I used to be a bit of a "snob" at school because I thought I was too different to be friends with most people, even though they tried with me. I remember my mum trying to get the school to get the other kids to talk to me, and I just wasn't interested, yet I was very lonely, and depressed, and felt suicidal. I felt like this from age 9 onwards. I was so confused.

I'm much happier these days having a few friends, and having most of my time to myself. I'd never have thought years ago that this sort of setup would *ever* suit me, because I thought I needed people around me all the time.

I think that it would work for me, too. Unfortunately, I only make friends on work and school and I rarely do things with them outside of those places (because they rarely invite me and I never invite them; that alone is enough evidence that I am never truly considered "part of the group").

Besides, whenever I leave the job or finish school, I cut off all contact with them. Not because I want, but because I do not have the interest to actively pursue friendships.

This is an interesting conversation. When I'm with people I wish I weren't too, and vice-verse. What's funny is I recall having a conversation to this affect several weeks ago. The guys at work were inviting others to lunch and as usual I was not asked. I said something in the spur of the moment like "yeah, I'll pass since I'm not part of the group". One of them said "i created that situation". He's a rather outspoken individual, and I of course resented his statement, but at the same time he was right, I usually just say no anyway, yet I expect them to invite me. How weird is that?

Being that these problems never really go away, I know its just a matter of time before I offend someone or say something really dumb, I just elect to continue living like this. I don't want it, but don't see having a choice. Very depressing...

Yeah, it is pretty much all my fault. Some of my friends told me before that I looked very unapproachable when they first met me. Eventually, I open up a little more (enough to be able to talk and joke almost incessantly), but I never really connect with my peers. It is as if I did not trust anybody, even though I have no reason for distrusting them.

The problem is: even though I know I am doing something wrong, I have not yet figured exactly what it is. Besides, even if I knew exactly how to fix it, I am not sure if I would want to. For better or worse, I have gotten used to my lack of social skills. Not happy, but I learned to live with it.

I'm guilty of pushing people away who obviously like me. The most recent was last year. I used to speak with a mum at a class our kids went to. Before the summer holidays, we swapped phone numbers, with the intention of meeting up during the holidays. I never received a text from her and I usually wait for people to contact me (probably because I'm so used to people rejecting me, I don't approach them in case they've had second thoughts about being friends with me). My daughter decided she didn't want to go back to the class. A couple of weeks later, the mum texted me. I never responded. I feel awful about this and I hope she just thinks she took my number down wrong. I can't believe I'm still doing this at my age. She did like me, but the lack of contact during the holiday knocked my confidence. I thought she'd decided I wasn't worth being friends with so had given up on her.

I tend to distance myself from people who like me, but usually it's because I am not really interested in the person. It took me a long time to understand that. I used to just assume someone likes me = I must like them too. Then I'd try to be friends with them because I thought I was supposed to, but it just didn't feel right. So I'd end up avoiding them or sort of pushing them away. Then I'd feel bad about it and wonder why I did that.

I finally figured out, there are some people I like in the sense that I sort of admire them from a distance, but I don't actually want to interact with them. There are very few people I like in the sense that I actually want to be with them a lot.