Saying "Thanks" / Repeating questions back

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I thought I'd pretty much figured out how to communicate with NTs, including my NT partner. But tonight during a discussion about the proper way to interpret something my boss said, she indicated to me that I'm still missing some big things that are hurtful to others when I don't respond correctly.

Beyond being tired of feeling there's EVEN MORE things I have to learn to "get along", I'm also puzzled. Here's what she's saying:

When someone asks you a question about your level of "X", they aren't just asking for data - you're supposed to ask the same thing back. So, like if my partner says "How did you sleep?", I'm supposed to respond and then ask her back, "And how did YOU sleep?" Same if my boss says "Did you do anything fun this weekend?", I'm supposed to not only respond to the data part but also reply in kind, "You do anything fun?" I'm also told I should just say "Thanks!" or "Thanks for asking!" when someone asks me one of these questions (assuming I recognize that their not just asking for data, that is). I understand this kind of thing greases social wheels for NTs, but I just want to say, having previously thought (obviously erroneously) that I'd mastered at least the basics of NT social rules - CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP.

I also told my NT partner that it makes me uncomfortable when my boss says praise things about me, rather than about my work. Like, "I'm glad you're on the team" means - what? Is it just more NT social blubber? Or am I supposed to translate that into something else? If it means she likes me, then what does that mean? Besides confusion for me, that is.

But if boss said something like, "Getting that shop work completed, and on time, really helped out today", I get that. I can internally examine what I did, evaluate it for success, and then try to make it happen again.

It also makes me uncomfortable when I'm obviously getting praise for things that are stupid and anyone could do them, but some of my NT coworkers are just blowing them off or doing half-assed jobs, so I look "good" by comparison to them.

How do YOU remember to do all this stuff? Usually if I DO remember, it's after I've already walked away, and now I'd look like a doof if I walked back in 10 minutes later and said, "Oh, I forgot to ask if you did anything fun this weekend, too". Any tricks or reminder things that help you out?

Lynne

I think it's just a matter of making it a habit. Do it every time and it becomes almost a reflex.
I actually used to find it really invasive to be asked about my weekend/holiday plans or what I did, so I never asked other people because I thought I was being polite. (polite to myself I guess) Now I answer inquiries with quick-hopefully-not-rude answers and then say something like "and how about you?", which I suspect was the point of them asking me in the first place. It's served me well so far.

Paragraph three... I didnt know that!! Thanks gumbylives!

When an NT person asks you about your weekend, that usually means that *he* had a weekend that he wants to talk(*) about. So he sets you up to ask him how his weekend was and then he goes into his great-weekend story.

*) I intentionally wrote "wants to talk about", not "wants to tell you about".

Really!

I used to have problems with this stuff too- my colleagues thought I didn't care about them. I think the problem is that of perception- we process things differently, so makes asking the reciprocal question redundant, e.g. if someone who is obviously happy and relaxed asks how you are, my brain simply saw that they were clearly fine, undistressed and happy, so asking the question back was unnecessary. I have since learned that NT's see that as you not giving a stuff how they are, so hurts thier feelings.

As Reynaert said, they often want you to ask them about the same subject. They will see you as rude and self absorbed if you don't.

I guess it just comes down to how much you want to get along with them. If you do, then teach yourself as I did to ask these questions back. I also found it helpful to explain WHY I sometimes forget, especially the "Hi, how are you?" one.

Most of my colleagues now understand the difference in how I process things, and if I forget to ask and they want to talk about something, they volunteer the information anyway, as I explained that just because I forgot to ask the question doesn't mean that I'm not interested in what they have been doing. It probably helps that I'm surrounded by medical types though, they're pretty understanding- many of them went and read up on Aspergers after I got my diagnosis last summer and decided to disclose this fact to my colleagues on station. I know that disclosure isn't for everyone though, but it has worked pretty positively for me.

Teaching myself to do it has made it a habit, and I very seldom forget now unless I'm having a really bad day.

I just recently learned "Correct" isn't the...appropriate response when answering in the affirmative.

I never ask the same thing back. It generally doesn't occur to me to ask, if they want to tell me they just can without waiting for me to ask, and I don't care.

I basically script all of my small talk at work.
However I only really do it if I am talking to customers.
When I talk to co-workers I usually avoid small talk and get straight to the point.

However there are some flaws that I notice with scripting.

1. I tend to repeat the small talk that someone said to me without answering their own question, parroting it back.

2. Or skip ahead in scripts and say thank you or goodbye before ever giving the person a chance to speak.

Other then that scripting can be very useful, just watch what other people do, copy them, and make scripts copying those behaviors.
Make those habit and you can fake your way through most social situations.

Every word in your post is well said. Others have told me about such a phenomenon before and I have experienced it personally. Fortunately, most great-weekend stories sound interesting enough to me.

Being told at 34 that I have some serious social issues was more than a wake-up call for me. I'm 35 now and I've spent the past year learning as much as I can about interacting in social situations for just this reason.

cozysweater is right most of it is habit. In my family of origin from the time you could talk you are supposed to do things like say please/thank you/I'm sorry, hold the door open, give up your seat to elders, pregnant women and people with small children, and engage in pleasant small talk like inquiring about peoples days. It doesn't matter whether you think some of it is silly, it is considered polite and you will have to engage in these behaviors. If you don't do these things you will be lectured and called out on it. I'm 22 and I still get lectured when I don't do them. I suppose it is a good thing because it is mostly automatic for me at this point. It was very hard for a while as I had to consciously think about it and i can only do 1 or 2 things at once.

It is a learned behavior so practice is involved,as is awareness. As for tricks it depends on how you best process things you might find things like books, videos, and diagrams useful. You might find observation useful or writing down the rules. When I was younger and having a big problem with this I had note cards with different rules on then that I would review everyday and keep with me as reminders Role playing and acting it out also helped me and is something I still do to this day. It might seem silly but you could try practicing conversation skills with someone (perhaps your partner?), have them point out specific points where you run in to problems. This may help you become more conscious of what you are doing. It is also a lower stress environment to work on building up skills you need to work on. It all boils down to making it a habit.

I still carry around cards with me for certain things. Most office supply places carry 2.5"x3" lined cards that are perfectly sized. Levenger makes some really nice, high quality cards. They cost more, but they are much nicer than the ones you can get at the supply store, and worth the extra cost in my opinion if you're wanting something a bit more permanent. Since I'm a perfectionist, I'll use the cheaper cards to write things out first make sure what I want fits the way I want it to, and then I'll copy it over to the nicer cards to carry around with me.

Yes, I often find this hard too. The friend I see the most is someone who I can get away with not having to ask questions back, because if she said something like, ''what did you do at the week-end?'' I reply, then she kinds of swerves the subject onto something else. It's just a habit of hers, nothing intentional, and so the first conversation gets forgotten. Here's an example of what I mean:-

Friend: So what did you do over the week-end then?
Me: Oh I went to the seaside in Margate on Saturday with my dad and some of his family, then I done my voluntary work on Sunday....
Friend: Oh that was nice for you then. The weather was lovely on Saturday, wasn't it!
Me: Yeah, it was beautiful, couldn't wish for better weather
Friend: Yes, but it's supposed to rain this afternoon, isn't it?
Me: I don't know
Friend: Yeah, I saw on the telly. Well, only just about - my telly has been playing up
Me: Really? What's wrong with it?
Friend: Well, I don't know - it just keeps on fuzzing out......

So now the subject has changed, and it's awkward to suddenly say, ''so what did you do over the week-end?'' when she's in the middle of talking about her telly.

If your friend is not giving you a chance to reply the question, then she probably doesn't mind that you don't ask it back. Perhaps she figured out already that you have a hard time doing that so she found a different way to get to the subject she wanted to talk about.

In the specific example you quoted, your friend is obviously wanting to talk about her telly being broken, and she has successfully steered the conversation to that subject. Had you managed to ask about her weekend, she would have most likely answered something like 'I was busy with my telly - it has been playing up'. So in your case, you're good.

Note: the actual subject that people have on their minds is usually the one that comes to the front only after a few different subject-hops. They don't start out with the important stuff right away, they first need to get some chitchat out of the way to make sure the communication lines are working properly. It's like a kind of handshaking protocol.

This might sound weird, but I'm more likely to answer in french than english, and I don't really speak french at all. It's just it was drilled into my head while learning the language. How am I? "Pas mal. Et toi?"

For a while I would reply to "how are you" with "it doesn't matter" but people took that as rude... The older I get the better I am at being polite, but I think its dumb and a waste of words myself.