Flaky Friends or Incorrect Perception?

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Ok, so I thought that I had friends.

They weren't close friends, but they were friends enough to the point where we hung out, talked about stuff, had fun together, made plans, etc.

Now, it's like, WHERE are my friends?
We used to eat together in the cafeteria all the time. Now, they quit alerting me as to when the group will get together to eat.
A friend of mine used to invite me to get-togethers at her house...now, I never know she has them until she posts pictures on Facebook.
A friend of mine came to visit town...never told me she was here.
Another friend said we should hang out - we started to make plans, she never followed through.

I know for a fact that I did nothing to offend these people - in fact, when we are around, it seems like nothing has changed. But evidently something has, because my friends never notice me, and never include me, and never seem to want my company. It's weird. Really, really weird.

What's worse, is I'm thinking of totally forgetting about them - ignoring them, removing myself from them, never speaking to them or initiating anything - in effect, doing what they've done to me.
Probably not the best thing, but I don't give a d***. They obviously don't really care enough to reciprocate a friendship. These are people I have helped out, cared about, spent time with, and everything.

Can I really screw up that badly???

I have had similar experiences. Assuming that you are aware of the social challenges we on the spectrum face I think you may be a little sensitive when people don't go out of their way to include you. I too was invited to a co-workers party and now only see the pics on facebook. I found myself pondering the same question as you. There is probably some amount of flakiness(on their part) as well as you being sensitive. It seems like people kind of forget about you and relationships fizzle unless there is something absolutely spectacular going on with you. Try to figure your out what your status or role is with these people. I find that I don't really want a particular status assigned to me in social settings but that seems to be the way the show is rigged. Best of wishes to you!! ! Hope this helps.

BTW I get frustrated with this everyday. It's bad for me because I don't have a car and I think people at work are catching on that I am always broke. Although I never ask for money and always bring a gift or contribute when at someone's party. I have aspergers and wasn't diagnosed until the age of 30 which was 3 months ago. I have a long way to go. Vocational rehab and the whole nine yards. I am almost completely broke and have social difficulties so friends are important to me. I totally know what your experiencing. I think it could be both flakiness and incorrect perception involved. Definitely do no ignore these people even though this has upset you. Never burn a bridge unless it is with an absolutely toxic person. LOL

Well, the burning bridges part is too late - hence the following Facebook status by me:

"Ok, so I get it now. In time, you find out who your friends are. They are never who you expect they will be, and they are always fewer in number than you think. You end up knowing who they are when they reciprocate even though they don't have to. To the two of you that do so, you know who you are, so thank you. I love you both very much.
To the rest of you, I don't know why I trusted you to begin with."

I guess it's not burning a bridge, per se, but I'm deciding to whittle out who's flaky. If they really want a friendship, they will show it. And if my "friends" are as flaky I think they are, they won't even read my post, or they'll forget it.

You can't go too wrong when you don't really matter to people. Yeah, I'm probably really sensitive.

LOL Well at least that was a little mild. When you said hence the following post I thought there was gonna be blood. You never know some people that you think are flaky might think you are ok. They just don't have time or presence of mind to show it. I'm that way.

friendships are hard. I think the best thing to do is just be a good friend/person to people, and those that like you will be nice and friendly to you too. But don't get worked up about people not showing friendship to you, it does not mean they don't like you (unless they scream abuse at you ;o) ). I used to (and still do if I don't control it) turn friendly people into enemies if they said one bad thing. I guess it is very "black and white" of me. However, as an NT told me, you just have to be less intense and easy going. Easily said, hard to do, but I found this advice has in many ways changed my life, I am less anxious around people, happier, as I don't let small things upset me, and socialising more. Considering I have just had a long term relationship fall apart in front of me, I think I am doing well, although the break up was a catalyst for change.

Irish C

I have had this happen to me more than once. It feels horrible, and is usually done for an unjust reason. If are still willing to forgive them, you might just step away and let them contact you. If you wish to cut ties, I wouldn't suggest retaliation. Just cut the cord and don't look back. You'll find other people that are worthy of your friendship. From experience, I can tell you personally that these people aren't worth your time.

I think that I'm just going to back away.

If they are really friends, they can show me...I've done enough of trying to show them my friendliness.

If they are really friends, they will want to show me.

It is funny to think that there are, what 7 billion people on this planet (the right and wrongplanet), but only a handful do become really good friends. Finding friends, good ones and acquaintances requires time, especially socialising time. No wonder it is hard work to make friends as Aspies. The best advice I can give is just relax in social situations (easily said), people will notice you are relaxed and may like to hang out with you.

Later

Irish C

It happens: not all people who initially seemed friendly will actually be your friend, sometimes they're just better off as acquaintances. Did you ever find out if something happened between you?

Honestly, it's okay if not everybody likes you or wants to be your friend. For myself, there are many people in my life that I realize I haven't invested as much time and energy in that I would have liked, even if I actually really like them. Sometimes I suspect that this may be going on with other people, and may explain why I haven't heard from them in months. Sometimes ppl just grow apart. Or sometimes they're just flaky, or maybe they just don't know how to handle another's energy.

And, you're right: if they want to be your friend, they will meet you halfway and work for it too. You deserve to be treated with respect

Nope. Still waiting.

I have two good faithful friends. I'm treating them like gold - apparently they're hard to come by.