How to talk to girls without having wild expectations?

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Hello all

I don't really know why, but whenever I meet a girl and we end up having any sort of conversation, I immediately begin thinking on terms like "hmmm, she's quite interesting, maybe there's potential here..." and that sort of stuff.

I'm 20 years old, never had a girlfriend, and I'm worried that this sort of thinking is just destructive and immediately closes my mind off to getting to know a person for who she is and just letting things go where they may because I'm constantly looking for a certain result.


What are your thoughts (if this makes any sense at all)?

I was this way most of my dating life, and I don't think there is anyway to stop getting high hopes when you are attracted to someone. I think that if you just decide not to rush things, be patient and get to know the girl a little, you won't make any foolish mistakes or assumptions which could ruin things. Start slow; like ask her to go for coffee, then if that goes well try for a longer date like a dinner. I think a lot of people make the mistake of having the first date run on too long, or going to a movie where you are not interacting and staring at a screen. That way if you aren't hitting it off, you are stuck with seeing it through. Hope that helps!

It makes perfect sense!

What you're doing is pretty common, especially never having had a girlfriend and being 20.
It's alright to hope for the best, but to constantly expect a particular outcome with a unpredictable variable (the heart isn't always rational!) would certainly lead one to be disappointed often. Also, it might lead you to skew your perceptions: remember that even if a woman is nice to you, she doesn't necessarily want to date you: she just might be nice, or friendly.

Some questions that you could consider asking yourself: do you like her? Does she make you feel good? Does it seem like she enjoys your company too? Very basic, but a lot of people seem to forget those questions in their pursuit of "a certain result".

It sounds like you have a heightened sense of self-awareness: kudos to you about wanting to actually get to know people and work towards doing that the best way you can - not a lot of people do that.

Focus on the moment instead of the outcome, focus on the direction of the conversation and where it is going.

Thanks everyone so far for your advice!

You are definitely right to acknowledge that you shouldn't have the expectation of a relationship with every single person of the opposite sex you talk to. Which is easy to have if you only talk to a handful of women. However, if you talk to more women, a lot of women, it will become a routine thing rather than any expectation.

I'd advise against fantasizing, even about talking to her. It may lead you to feel as if your relationship is more developed than it actually is.

Eventually you'll just get pessimistic and just say "Yeah nothing will happen." And yeah..

Well, my issue really stems from not thinking that other people would want anything to do with me, like I'm not worth their time. Needless to say, it's a hinderance in any kind of social interaction.