Is there anything I can do to prevent shyness?

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Joe90
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23 Jun 2012, 10:57 am

I am fed up with being so shy. I've discovered I'm so shy that it has frightened me. I feel I must be the shyest person in the world. I know AS plays a part of shyness but I don't blame it completely on that. When in a social situation, I can think of a million appropriate things to say but I just have trouble verbalising them, due to the fear of not being heard properly then feeling stupid. And there are many other little irrational reasons why I find it hard to verbalise my thoughts, and it all seems to relate to social phobia, more than anything else.

I don't need practice on how to have conversations or how to notice social cues or anything like that, I may not be the best at that but that is not what is causing these issues. I can recognise body language and other non-verbal, or even invisible, social cues, I can tell when somebody's joking and I laugh along with them, and when somebody speaks to me I make eye contact and speak back appropriately. But it's just knowing what to say and when, and asking other people questions is what I find most difficult of all, even to anybody. You can imagine how frustrating that becomes because when you don't ask them general questions about whatever they're telling you, they think you're not interested in them, and other times I forget to ask them questions and then worry that I was being unfriendly, especially if they were asking me a ton of genuine questions like ''what did you do last week? Anything exciting?'' and it suddenly dawns on me, later on that day, that I should of asked something in return, like, ''what did you do last week then?''

Last night I went to the pub with my brother, my cousins and their friends, and they are all nice people, (I didn't get drunk at all) and I know that I didn't make one social error. I can usually tell when I have made a social error, not beforehand, but afterwards. It's just something in me what I can't explain, but I know it went rather well and I am quite proud of myself. The only social error I believe I did make was I got lost in the pub when I was coming out of the toilets, and I walked into one room and thought my brother and them were in there and they weren't, so I was standing there staring like an idiot then quickly scurried back out. I tried to stay calm and just make out I was just looking for somebody so I try not to count that as a social error, but I still felt stupid inside. But what spoilt my time in the pub the most was being so shy. I was the one who said the least, and my cousin (who is a shy NT) was even more chattier than I was, even before he had anything to drink. Although the nice people I was with did include me, I still felt rather unpopular and I felt younger than the rest aswell, not from social immaturity, but just from being so quiet and a little vulnerable.

Is there anything for shyness (other than getting drunk because drink makes me sick)? I wish there was special tablets you could take only on a necessary occasion like before socialising, so that you can just relax a bit better and not feel so tensed up inside due to irrational thoughts from social phobia.
Oh, and I don't want to do drugs like smoking weed or sniffing marijuana or whatever. That is not me. I prefer a proper doctor's prescription or some other tips to feel more socially relaxed inside.


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cathylynn
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23 Jun 2012, 1:38 pm

drugs in the benzodiazepine family (some are valium, ativan, and xanax) can be used occasionally to deal with social anxiety. they can be addictive, but if they are only taken a couple times per week or less, that would not be much of a concern.



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23 Jun 2012, 2:18 pm

Hmm....you covered it well. But about your query: Beta-blockers (propanolol) can be effective for social anxiety and related. In fact, professional actors are prescribed beta-blockers for extreme stage fright. Maybe in situations where you're not so confident.

I'm really shy too....don't think there's a cure though!


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Joe90
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23 Jun 2012, 3:32 pm

I don't expect miracles, like having a pill that would completely change me into a confident, outgoing social butterfly because it is not possible. But it would be nice just to increase my confidence a little, being that I can generally go to a social event without making many social errors, I just need to be a little more confident and then I will be able to talk more without the fear of being interrupted or not heard or anything like that. I will ask the doctor anyway about what you repliers said. Thanks.


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PastFixations
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23 Jun 2012, 6:15 pm

I was able to overcome my shyness without drinking, drugs, meds or anything.
It's really about finding inner peace and comfort of self which is really hard to explain.
I wish I could remember the techniques I had to pass on. :( I better go into my corner to remember.


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MillieRose
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27 Jun 2012, 11:32 am

I have this problem as well, sometimes I'm absolutely fine can talk normally and feel great, then other times I just sit there all awkward and quiet and end up hating myself for it...
I don't believe there's a cure and I don't believe treating it with drugs or alcohol helps, if anything drinking makes me go into my shell even more!
I think you just need to accept the fact this is you! Your always going to have times when your going to be quiet, there's nothing wrong with that! And your no doubt giving yourself a hard time over nothing....
If you become relaxed with yourself and accept this is always going to happen you'll probably become so relaxed you'll find talking just comes naturally, I find thinking about what your going to say too much causes you to be quiet anyway, as your too busy thinking to notice anyone around you
At the end of the day nobody else probably even notices your quietness is out of the ordinary, anyone can have days they don't feel up to talking, try to stop giving yourself a hard time :-)



Gnonymouse
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27 Jun 2012, 6:43 pm

SSRIs are typically prescribed for social anxiety, benzos are for short-term anxiety attacks. SSRIs help me, but they also make me more tired and that can make me less sociable.

I think if you are not so afraid to make mistakes your anxiety will go away and also you will be able to talk more. It's good to recognize mistakes, but not obsess over them and let them make you depressed or anxious. But that's easier said than done.



Scottinoz
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27 Jun 2012, 10:43 pm

I did by detachment from all social rules and did and say what i want and i draw people in but we i feel anti social i tell them that.



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28 Jun 2012, 2:36 am

Sometimes booze helps after a few drinks I am not so shy and able to casually approach people with no regrets. :D


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Joe90
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29 Jun 2012, 3:09 pm

Well I did do my best. I got myself a drink (only had 1 alcoholic drink), I stood in the group of people I was there with, I made plenty of eye contact, I smiled a lot and laughed when others laughed, and I kept trying to make sure I was in the group, not standing on the outside staring into space. So I am proud of myself there. I said a few words, and I joined in a few jokes and laughed at them (luckily I am good with jokes so I didn't have a problem with that). I should be thankful that I can interpret social cues really, because at least then I don't look lost or confused or blank. I just still feel awkward because I was the quietest out of everyone there.

But I've got a mystery here. When I go into a supermarket, I have experienced people judging me and laughing at me (and this is not me being overparanoid, I really have caught 2 girls picking on me in Tesco before when I wasn't doing anything to encourage it), and I also feel that people stare at me more in places like supermarkets and other public places like libraries (yes, libraries!), bus stops, restaurants, and just in the street. But, each time I have gone to the pub (a pub where people specifically opt to go to socialise), I feel I don't get stared at funny or judged at all, and I would have thought I would get more judged in a pub than anywhere else because I just thought I'd stand out more (which is why I've been putting it off for so long until recently, even then I had to force myself). And I go early in the evening when people aren't really drunk yet and they still don't judge me.

How comes? Does anyone here know the answer?


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