The Perils of Socialisation

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I have a young Aspie friend who I got along really well with despite the 13 year age difference but she had a lot of dramas which included nearly being homeless and a relationship break up.

Anyway this girl used to text and message my partner and I asking for advice and help with these dramas that she was having and we spent money we can ill afford, my partner and I along with 2 other friends (all Aspies) drove around for hours on end one day to help her find accommodation when she was thrown out of the second house she stayed at since arriving here in Brisbane and gave the best advice we could, during this time her relationship had come to an end and she stopped speaking to us for a while, we didn't pick up the signs or even bother about it at first as time went on I did question why we were suddenly cut off.

Anyway we get a call recently about how she had gone back to visit some family which hasn't gone too well and she admitted that she hadn't spoken to us because of the relationship break down and my partner and I aren't too happy about this because we did the best we could to help her, we gave the best advice we could with the information we were given though I had to contact her on again off again boyfriend to get some further and he indicated to me that he didn't want to continue the relationship with her at that time and I copied and pasted those messages and sent them to her so she would understand where he was coming from, since then they have gotten back together according to her but her family do not approve of this for their own reasons which may or may not be valid. During the last phone call my partner almost had a meltdown and admitted later on that he was close to taking the phone off me and throwing it out the car window as he has had enough of this girl and her dramas, as soon as I saw that he was about to explode I hung up and sent her a text message saying that the phone was almost flat which was a white lie but it had to be done as he was my main concern at that point.

We were advised by other people at the time that we were doing too much for this girl and that we should slow it down and look after ourselves first but my partner and I are not selfish people and do not mind helping others in need but I think in this case we were wrongly blamed for something that was going on long before she became friends with us and I'm pretty angry about it and so is my partner. We did our best and as far as we're concerned we got a little burnt.


S

Don't overextend yourselves. Not good for you, and also not good for her. She should learn to better take care of herself. Not that you can't help her out, etc., but too much is bad for you and your partner, and also bad, or at least not as good, for her.

So, yeah, dial it back, don't burn yourselves out or melt yourselves down. Don't hang on so tight ... hang on loosely. And especially if she's mostly a drain and doesn't particularly well reciprocate, and really just, or much of the time, isn't there for you (and/or your partner), and just leaves you "hanging".

There are plenty of folks more than willing to abuse, overuse, drain, etc. Really don't need that from "friends". Sometimes need to cut 'em off, ... or cut that (way) down.

The best thing to do would be to stop rescuing her. If you continue to rescue her when she falls into trouble, she will continue to drain you two emotionally. It is also bad for her. If you bail her out of trouble each time, you are enabling her to make the poor choices that get her into trouble. Enabling also prevents her from taking responsibility for her poor choices, thereby making it impossible for her to grow and make better decisions. I know enabling was definitely not your intention and that you wanted to help, and it's great to see people who are so willing to give and help others, but the best way to help her is to let her deal with her decisions and mistakes so she can learn to cope with them and deal with them in the future. Hope this helps.

don't let people use you
if they can't respect you and the support you give its better you keep a distance
you could just help her by guiding her rather then running here and there to help her.

My better half would rather we don't help her at all and I'm beginning to think he's right because we were stressed out the whole time.

I feel sorry for this girl and I understand where she's coming from but she also needs to work things out on her own and/or go and see an appropriate professional.

S

Brisbane represent.

Tho craziness is everywhere. Hopefully she takes some of the good advice on board. at the end of the day its her own problem.