clubbing & pubbing alone & getting depressed

Page 1 of 4 [ 49 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

psybot
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 23 Nov 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 140
Location: inmymind

01 Mar 2007, 4:09 am

i'd like to be able to go to bars & clubs to meet friends or even meet possible romantic partners but i don't have any friends to go with.

i went out to a few by myself and being alone with all the aggressive socialising & loud club music made me soooo depressed and intimidated that i had to go home.

so this is a question to guys that can go to town alone and actually enjoy it or at least not get depressed:

if i "dust myself off and try again" and continue to go to these clubs maybe once a week or something will i feel better and actually start to feel alright?

thanks



konyannah
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 48
Location: UK

01 Mar 2007, 5:37 am

going out on my own is generally pretty awful, in fact I've only ever done it a few times and then it was usually gigs

even if it's a band I like I still don't find it enjoyable and end up being depressed


bummer


_________________
now I've heard there was a secret chord....


KBABZ
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Sep 2006
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,012
Location: Middle Earth. Er, I mean Wellywood. Wait, Wellington.

01 Mar 2007, 5:49 am

If you got depressed about it, then I don't suggest trying again if your mental state is similar to what it was the last time you went.

Pubs generally aren't the best places for an Aspie to be, what with loud music, unpredictable people (and likely drunk) and bright lights in the dark make it sensory overload hell in some cases.


_________________
I was sad when I found that she left
But then I found
That I could speak to her,
In a way
And sadness turned to comfort
We all go there


Enigma
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 84

01 Mar 2007, 8:00 am

I don't go pubbing or clubbing,and I just can't see how women who enjoy getting wasted on the weekend could be good marriage material.
So many people think being drunk is a way to having a good time and making friends,but what sort of friends are they really looking for?

You're much better off making friends through shared interests and special interest groups where people are likely to be sober.



psybot
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 23 Nov 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 140
Location: inmymind

01 Mar 2007, 7:04 pm

Enigma wrote:
You're much better off making friends through shared interests and special interest groups where people are likely to be sober.


I'm sure you're right about this. As per my other thread on how to make friends, how would i find these special interest groups?



Enigma
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 84

02 Mar 2007, 12:38 pm

I'm sure you're right about this. As per my other thread on how to make friends, how would i find these special interest groups?[/quote]

Have you thought of joining an AS support group if there is one near you? Also I don't know whether you go to college or what your lifestyle is like, but if I were you I would read local papers and magazines for interest groups that are looking for members.
Do an internet search as well putting in your location and your hobbies.



Dundunduuun
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 1 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 13

02 Mar 2007, 8:56 pm

Why did you go? I mean, clubs are for dancing, or meeting other people. If you go, you go with some friends, or go alone and be willing meet some new people. Of course if you can't do that, then there is really no point going. Unless you want to dance alone. But then you really can't help being with other people in that instance, so...

I don't know, perhaps you wanted to feel more 'normal', more 'included'?

Sorry I'm being so condescending, but I'm really just trying to help! :) The point I'm getting at is that if you want to popular and have difficulties with social interaction, I wouldn't head into the deep end (a club, full of people, socialising) first. Try and make some friends in a more 'relaxed' setting first, such as college/school/work and build your social skills and confidence. I see what you're saying about going to the clubs again and again until you get it right, but it's far eaiser to build your social skills away from that scene.

As for the pub, that's actually not bad to go alone to. Don't go on Saturdays or anything like that, of course, where everything's rowdy and violent. In a pub you can keep yourself to yourself, and there are fewer people anyway.



MikeUK
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 3 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 9
Location: Cambs, UK

04 Mar 2007, 1:20 pm

Hi Psybot,

I think you're really brave to go clubbing on your own, but I agree with Dundunduuun, its not a great way to meet people unless you're confident about how to do it. I've never really figured out how to do it. If on the other hand you go to dance to the music and forget yourself for a few hours then thats OK and I used to do that a fair bit when I was at Uni.

With me I need a reason to be with the other person - maybe we're sharing a house, or doing some work together. It removes my fear of boring or annoying them. After that you just have to talk with them.

I do volunteering holidays to build nature reserves etc. This means that I don't have the pressure of actually going and talking to someone. This is especially important for me as my non-verbal communication isn't great. They also last a week so I have plenty of time to get to know people and I don't feel under pressure to make a great impression straight away.



Claradoon
Supporting Member
Supporting Member

User avatar

Joined: 23 Aug 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,964
Location: Canada

04 Mar 2007, 1:31 pm

psybot wrote:
i went out to a few by myself and being alone with all the aggressive socialising & loud club music made me soooo depressed and intimidated that i had to go home.

It seems to me that the only people you'd meet that way would be people who *like* aggressive socialising & loud club music.

If you Google for volunteer bureau, do you get something for your own area? Maybe there's something that ties in with your real interests. I even got a writing gig that way!

There's a tremendous shortage of men in dancing classes - just a thought.

Good luck! :D



ggbishop
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 3 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 1

04 Mar 2007, 9:38 pm

I ended up getting to know the bartenders while I was in college, so that I could always hang out with them and meet their friends. It later worked out when I started bartending nights myself, and certainly made socializing a lot easier, when I could walk up to any girl at my bar and whatever I said would be infinitely funnier than whatever the guy on the otherside of the bar was saying.

Plus, it's cheaper.



Fuzzy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Mar 2006
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,223
Location: Alberta Canada

05 Mar 2007, 12:32 am

I agree with ggbishop. Working at the bar is infinately more rewarding.



ooh_choc
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Gender: Male
Posts: 201

05 Mar 2007, 12:58 am

When my social skills were poorer, I'd usually find socialising depressing. Now that I've improved, I usually come home feeling great. I think it's a function of whether or not you have rewarding experiences socialising. Perhaps the alcohol would worsen depression too.



consilience
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 62

08 Mar 2007, 3:37 pm

Most people go clubbing to drink, do drugs, dance, and have unprotected sex.

There are probably better venues for an aspie to socialize at.



calandale
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,439

10 Mar 2007, 7:46 am

If you don't like it, there is no way that you're going to meet people by doing it. I used to go to bars with some sort of fantasy that I would meet someone - it just doesn't work. I would suggest hanging out at a coffee house instead - especially if you bring something kind of interesting (to others) to play with. Toys always attract attention.

Now, I go out to dance - but I go to dance. At first, I thought that maybe I would meet someone this way, but after a while, I realized that I was better off just doing what I'm good at. Now, I have semi-groupies, who seem to really enjoy my dancing - but there is no real contact, just a form of idolization. I'll take it though.



Fuzzy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Mar 2006
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,223
Location: Alberta Canada

10 Mar 2007, 7:39 pm

Definately lay off the sauce if you go clubbing. Dont be fooled into thinking that it makes you act NT. By the the time you are drunk, everyone else is, and they are simply too drunk and too self absorbed to notice how YOU act. Have one or two if you must, and tip the bartender a few bucks for each soft drink or water. If you act like a paying customer, they will have no problem with you being there, and the bartenders will love you! Its one of the rare oportunities to buy affection. If they turn down your tip, accept graciously, but tip on the next one. That give and take is a integral part of a friendly relationship, and avoids power issues.



the-over-analyzed
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 266
Location: United States

17 Mar 2007, 9:58 am

psybot wrote:
if i "dust myself off and try again" and continue to go to these clubs maybe once a week or something will i feel better and actually start to feel alright?


I'm not sure if New Zealand is maybe different, but around where I live in the US, I find that most people go to clubs with friends, and if you show up by yourself people just think you are wierd. So if I do that I usually just end up feeling worse than when I went in.

Sometimes it has to be done though, just to get out of the house and actually observe what goes on, otherwise how would we know?

I think the exception to this, however, might be the little neighborhood local pub, in the early evenings, where older working people relax and everybody is a regular. But not the Disco, I repeat: NOT the disco, not alone. Never go alone to the disco unless you are just on a mission of observation.

Anybody please feel free to agree or agree, but that's my two cents.

Cheers