Maintaining Friendships

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Do any of you find it hard to maintain friendships because of putting off social events with friends? For example; not coming to a social event and then having your friends ask why and then they take it personally?

I'm just wondering cause I have a situation where my other half's friends keep asking me why he didn't show up to social events on a few occasions and they seem quite frustrated and annoyed about it. I do try to explain the difficulties he has in social situations and possible causes, but this goes in one ear and out the other. His friends just seem to think that he's not making any contribution to the friendship, when I don't think that is his intention.

Can anyone explain to me why Aspies might turn down social events with friends?

Yes. I've been called a snob and cold. My daughter sent me a card with a picture of people at a BBQ/picnic laughing and the card talked about them relaxing but I don't find that relaxing. I like one-on-one conversation (but not all conversations).

People do take it personally and can't seem to be talked out of it. A friend told me you have to work at relationships so now I put more effort into it. I get together with people when I would rather be alone because I value their friendship. I guess you could argue "what's the point of having a friend if you don't spend time with them?". I can see the argument that he is not making a contribution from their perspective.

Social events make me feel like a wild animal that has been cornered.

I hope he does not lose his friends. Maybe he can compromise a little. Does he want to spend time with his friends in activities that are not social events - like going out for coffee?

Would his friends understand having a phobia of groups of people, especially unstructured, standing around/sitting around with not much to say?

I just basically spoke to my boyfriend, he told me he forgot all about it and was really distracted on a game. Plus his phone was on silent and he wouldn't have noticed it anyway, because he was so focused on his game. He also lost complete track of time while on his games. It may seem like he's not making any contribution, but I don't think that's his intention. I told his friends that it might be that he needs to be made aware what's expected of him because he may not realise that it is hurting his friend's feelings.

I'm not sure about the compromising thing, his friends told me all the friends gathered together that night and they barely get time to do that. They said if he's going to be doing that, they don't want to invite him to another event again, which I thought was quite harsh. They told me he used to do this in school, but it wasn't a big deal because they'd see him everyday anyway. Now though, they don't get to see him.

Quite often I try to explain this to his friends, but it just feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. I'm not really sure if they comprehend what difficulties in social situations Asperger's can bring. Maybe there are some people who just don't accept a different way of thinking?

Yes, have had that at times
I prefer hanging out with smaller groups unless its a house party and then you're all drunk so you're all talking rubbish. Haha
But yeah there have been many times when I have not gone out. Also hate hanging out in a three because I'm the third one out and feel really awkward. Whys socialising such an effort?! Hahaa.
But yeah people say they understand, but only people with the same thing as you will fully understand and I do!
xx

I often miss social events because I'm a scatterbrain with a bad short-term memory, so I forget that it's taking place.

I have many acquaintances. Most people generally like me (this is a paradox) but I don´t value 'friendship' and I don´t believe in that concept. I´ve turned down invitations to social events many times. I don't like parties, going to clubs etc. I hate the loud noise. I would problably go to a house party, though. I would appreciate it if the music volume was low.

Not so much that your question is excellent. For me I had to get rid of negative people, drugs and drinkers and I paid a huge cost in my local community for it. I live in a city of 2 million but everywhere in Australia is small really. I just used to stand there getting smoke and listening to rantings when I really just wanted to go home. I got outcast for it, but I am slowing going to a group where most have issues with mental health and that is fantastic.

I just don't want to go to loud parties and things though I did go to a music festival and fireworks last week and loved it, but I want a friend or partner again, but for now I am happy with own company, but just sometimes I will not think twice and go to a pub (bar) or disco LOL sorry that is an old word but you know what I mean.

Most cell phones have calendar functions.

Haha thank you to everyone who replied to my post! Sorry I haven't been on for a while, just been really busy with University work. All your insights are highly appreciated!

@Globetrotter: That sounds like something that happens to my boyfriend. He told me he wanted to go to the party and was looking forward to it, but he mixed up the dates of when the party was happening and got totally distracted, didn't answer his phone or messages that were sent on the night because it was on silent and he never checked his phone.

Would you say this is kind of linked to losing track of time and getting so engrossed you forget events like this or perhaps the event wasn't that important?

It could be either scenario. Sometimes when someone on the spectrum gets into something they really enjoy, it's hard to pry them from it to do other things. Perhaps it could also be that he doesn't value his friendships with these people as much. It would be a good idea to ask him about this and to explain how he made his friends feel.

Perhaps it's even social anxiety, in that he wants to go but feels uncomfortable in social situations. If he genuinely wanted to go, perhaps it would be a good idea to come up with some strategies together to have him come and hang out even if he is feeling anxious or can't seem to get his mind off his games.

That's really true. I've tried to ask him about it and he said that he didn't understand why his friends went to me instead of going to him about it in the first place. His friends told me they went to me because my boyfriend is hard to get into contact with. Nothing more was said on the matter, my boyfriend thinks they should have contacted him about it instead of it going through me. His friends don't go out of their way to get into contact with him and remind him before the time. I don't think that my boyfriend sees this as an important issue at all and perhaps he doesn't know how he is making his friends feel because of the lack of communication on both sides.

My boyfriend at times can be hard to contact when he is immersed in games, but that has gotten much better since we talked about it and he has given me permission to point it out when it happens. Me and my boyfriend have never experienced this issue and he hasn't forgotten any of our dates ever. It seems to be something that happens with just his friends, so it could be that maybe he didn't see it as that important?