Not Engaging and Constantly Interrupted

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Joined: 21 Jun 2012
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19 Nov 2012, 9:24 pm

I have this problem big-time. I'm interrupted constantly and it immediately stalls my speech, so the interrupter can go on and on AND ON AND ON. One thing I have noticed ... the "interrupters" don't have anything that intelligent to say. I've gotten to the point where I consider people who interrupt me as being people who aren't worth talking to anyway. Listening is an important part of conversation, and while us aspies might have the problem of participating in a conversation, I hold in very high regard the people I know who will wait until I've finished saying what I want to say, regardless of my pauses and monotone voice. The fact that someone will listen to what I have to say ... in its entirety, which really isn't THAT much ... means a lot to me.

UmmYeahOk
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19 Nov 2012, 11:08 pm

This happens to me all the time! ...well, at least when I'm talking in groups of 3 or more, which isn't often. I find that I have to compete against the interrupter, but always end up retreating in defeat. This is either because while I'm talking I'm trying to also listen to them, which distracts me away from my task, or I stop talking because it is rude to talk over someone, and since everyone seems to be looking at the interrupter and ignoring me, I don't want to appear as the jerk that interrupted, even though I had gotten in several words before they even started.

This whole social rule pisses me off. It's rude to interrupt. I wait my turn and try my hardest to look people in the eye because that's how I was always taught. And it's not some stupid AS rule. Children have always been taught this regardless of neurotype, before AS was even heard of. Adults should know better.

What's worse is the fact that after they're done talking either I've forgotten completely what I was going to talk about, or I remember but the topic has since changed thanks to the interrupter. If I dare continue with what I was saying people look at me like a freak wondering what on earth I'm talking about as if the last 5 minutes never happened. Of course, if I choose to forget it, and allow the conversation to keep flowing fluidly, I risk not being able to jump into the conversation because I have no interest in the topic and can't contribute to the conversation. That's when I start to feel like a stranger simply being allowed to stand with them and observe. Then I have to figure out The Clash... ..."should I stay or should I go?"

CrazyStarlightRedux
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20 Nov 2012, 6:35 am

I have experienced interruptions when I try to talk and I literally do go in my head "You ****ing rude *******!" Even Americans who'm I talk to piss me off when they do it...and they wonder why I don't talk for the rest of the evening afterwards...my gosh.

If I did that to someone, I let them speak....but others just really annoy me with it.

In real life situations...I just walk away, and when they ask me for something, I try my best to not give them what they want...to show how rude they are.

My parents have even done it on me sometimes.

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lukeinontario
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02 Dec 2012, 9:58 pm

Does anyone else ever find themselves thinking "I need better friends" after a social interaction? I have a few good friends, and then I have those people.

Tyri0n
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03 Dec 2012, 3:36 am

It happens to me when I speak with lack of prosody or my timing is off (which does happen).

I sometimes have major timing issues, partly due to social anxiety. The prosody issue is not something easily fixed...

AlmaBrown
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03 Dec 2012, 6:44 am

lukeinontario wrote:

Does anyone else ever find themselves thinking "I need better friends" after a social interaction? I have a few good friends, and then I have those people.

Yes. I think most people, NT or not, have this problem though.

Pondering
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03 Dec 2012, 1:26 pm

urbanpixie wrote:

I realized something about myself today and I wanted to know if anyone can relate. I believe I lack an interesting and engaging way of speaking, and as a result people don't want to listen to me and interrupt me constantly. I believe people find me unappealing to speak to because of what I speak about, the way that I speak, and the way that I look.

This happens to me from time to time. More so in groups of people talking. I guess it is just difficult finding ways to captivate others, and when multiple people are talking sometimes they have more interesting things to say to the other people in the group. Finding things that others find interesting, off the top of my head can be a real chore. Even though I come off intelligent and have interesting or funny things to say when I speak a lot of the time, I just tend to talk a bit monotone and slow. Something I have noticed is that people do not always have patience in conversations, they like to go at a fast pace. I suppose it doesn't help that I have a "stoned" look or a tired one, which seems a little bit common in people with Autism.

I don't mean that I get interrupted after rambling on for a while. I mean that I get interrupted before I even finish the first sentence of whatever I'm trying to say. I sit in a group with three other co-workers, and all of them do this to me. (I have spoken to all three of them about it, and one has made more of an effort not to do this.) My mother does this to me as well. Once I am interrupted, I naturally stop talking so they can go on with whatever they are saying, whether or not the person who interrupted is talking to me or to someone else. I even get interrupted when I'm trying to respond appropriately to what was said to me and focusing on the other person's topic of choice.

It goes like that. I have learned that in some situations where there are many people in a conversation, sometimes people are bound to talk over eachother. What seems to be a way of dealing with this is just do what they do, talk over them if you have something you find important enough to say. No need to be rude about it, but just voice your thoughts. A lot of people will talk over eachother in group situations, and it is not always considered to be a bad thing. They may respect you more for speaking up, and not going mute as easily.

Additionally, I have noticed that when I'm in a group situation, I try to look at whoever is talking. However, the person that is talking rarely looks at me, they are usually making eye contact with another participant in the conversation. It's only when I'm involved in a one-on-one conversation that my efforts to make eye contact are reciprocated. I enjoy making eye contact and I'm not uncomfortable with it, but people don't seem to want to look at me.

I get that. With my issues I mentioned above, as a result the lack of eye contact given to me is common. I tend to like one on one's more with people who I know, that are a bit patient, and willing to listen closely. Although in group situations it can help a lot by having a good group of friends who all like eachother a lot.
I've noticed that this is worse when I'm tired or not feeling well, because I have even more of a muted energy to my speech and presence. Interestingly, things improve if I'm feeling good or have endorphins left over from a workout- as I speak in a more energetic and enthusiastic way.

Working out is a fantastic way to improve amounts of energy for better communication. Before social situations it can be nice to have a good workout, I think the sooner I workout before socializing the better the experience will be. Part of it is also going into the situation with a positive mindset.
Anyone else feel this way? Any strategies to improve this? I don't even think the people in my life realize that I care about them as much as I do.

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Vectorspace
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03 Dec 2012, 4:00 pm

lukeinontario wrote:

Does anyone else ever find themselves thinking "I need better friends" after a social interaction? I have a few good friends, and then I have those people.

I don't think I can blame them for my lack of communication skills.

Pabalebo
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03 Dec 2012, 10:46 pm

I used to have the same problem, and it pissed me off just as much, probably even more. Then I started to look at how other groups of people talked and realized then when more than two people are involved in a conversation, EVERYONE INTERRUPTS EVERYONE. It's just human nature to want to say what's on your mind. It's probably nothing to do with you or the way in which you speak.

hmstmil
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04 Dec 2012, 1:04 am

AtypicalFox wrote:

ProbablyNotNormal wrote:

lukeinontario wrote:

madnak wrote:

The best is when you're talking to people, and suddenly they're standing in a circle facing each other, and somehow you're outside the circle.

Been there.

Same here. Too often!

Way... way too often.
I face this problem as well.
The only time I notice that people don't exclude me is when I'm talking about something I'm passionate about.
Otherwise, I somehow always end up excluded. I have the same desire to connect and converse with others as well,
but I don't know what it is that leaves me out. I know I have confidence insecurity at times too, but I enjoy eye contact.

I often feel that when I speak, what I have to contribute wasn't of as much value as what everyone else is saying,
and get's over looked.

But for the intimidation factor, I frequently here that I intimidate people, and I have no idea why.
I try my best to be open and friendly to folks, but I wonder if it's my fear of not being accepted that's in the way..

I think you've hit the nail on the head- when you are talking about something you are passionate about, people include you. When you are excited about something, you are naturally more animated. Animation is a sign of interest to NT's. You are showing them you are interested in the discussion, and that gives them an opportunity to feel like they know something about you, that they have something in common with you, which makes them feel connected to you.

When they feel connected, and understand you want to be part of the group, they are far more likely to include you.

Intimidation...maybe that is like the problem I have- lots of people meet me for the first time and if I don't make a concerted effort to smile a lot, they later ask someone else, "did I make her mad?" Evidently, the expression I think is neutral appears to them as angry.

hmstmil
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04 Dec 2012, 1:28 am

urbanpixie wrote:

Oh, I am so guilty of this

I have a terrible habit of interrupting other people; it's awful bc it seems like the words are out of my mouth before I know it. I try really hard and it has improved, but it still happens. It's like I can't filter my thoughts before I say them sometimes.

My sister is always saying the same things people on this thread are saying- that she is always interrupted (and not just by me). She gets very upset about it. One thing about her, though, is there is a very slight pause before she starts talking. There are also slight pauses interspersed in her speech. Those pauses make others think she is done talking so they jump right in. (Except for me, in my case it's usually my fault when I interrupt her.) When I have tried to tell her this before, she doesn't understand what I am talking about. She does not perceive those pauses in her speech. Other friends and family agree with me on this one, though. She gives the impression she's done talking.

Another thing is that when NT's feel very connected, they talk over each other. Technically, this is interrupting each other, but it seems like when people are really into a conversation and feeling very connected, they all chime in. There's an excitement or energy about it, with people agreeing or throwing in their own comments. I think in these cases people feel like they're showing excitement and enjoyment of the conversation. That is how they feel connected to each other- they share their energy and excitement and mash it all together.

Performer16196
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04 Dec 2012, 4:14 am

madnak wrote:

The best is when you're talking to people, and suddenly they're standing in a circle facing each other, and somehow you're outside the circle.

Tell me about it!

salem44dream
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04 Dec 2012, 8:56 pm

Vectorspace wrote:

lukeinontario wrote:

Does anyone else ever find themselves thinking "I need better friends" after a social interaction? I have a few good friends, and then I have those people.

I don't think I can blame them for my lack of communication skills.

I'm not sure I agree with that ... because the good friends who patiently wait for me to finish what I'm saying are worth their weight in gold to me, and I gravitate towards them if I have a choice, certainly over the interrupters. The interrupters seem to be sending a message to me, "Shut up, you're talking too slow, and MY ego needs a boost by dominating this conversation. Your ego can crawl in the dust." If that's what they're thinking, they're NOT my friends.

lukeinontario
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05 Dec 2012, 1:43 pm

salem44dream wrote:

lukeinontario wrote:

Does anyone else ever find themselves thinking "I need better friends" after a social interaction? I have a few good friends, and then I have those people.

Exactly. I really need to find more people that don't insult, ignore, or spread gossip about me.

AlphaSister
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05 Dec 2012, 5:19 pm

lukeinontario wrote:

Does anyone else ever find themselves thinking "I need better friends" after a social interaction? I have a few good friends, and then I have those people.

I have a core group of wonderful, understanding and supportive friends and honestly have no desire for any more. Why look for more friends when I am happy with the ones I have? People try to introduce me to other people they think I will hit it off with and I just don't see the point, my friendships fullfill me and I see no need to go through the trouble of looking for more. To do so would be like saying "My friends aren't cutting it, I need to replace them or add to them to make up for their deficiencies."

tok-tokkie
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11 Dec 2012, 4:20 am

Pabalebo wrote:

I must say that is how it looks to me also. Never the less I struggle when I am interrupted. I also struggle to contribute to conversations simply because I don't interrupt whereas the rest are constantly interrupting so there is no space where i can enter the conversation.
When talking with my wife I struggle because she responds to what I am saying before I have completed the sentance. I then stop talking & she has to ask me to complete my sentence.
I get the reaction within myself that they think what they have to say is more important than what I have to contribute. I console myself with the thought tahat interrupting is what happens in dynamic conversation even though it aggravates me.

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