Married with kids - sensory overload / distraction

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This is probably more of a rant than anything productive, but I was wondering if others suffer with this too...

I'm married and we have a young kid. My wife and I both work stressful jobs, and on top fo that, my wife does a lot to absorb the practical (NT) tasks that I can't keep up with. We both work hard to help each other out and are both usually stressed out.

What I'm struggling with is that I can't get any alone time, and I have no space to myself. I live in a big city where there's no place to go that isn't swarming with people, so there's nowhere to run, and at home, I'm constantly interrupted from whatever I'm doing. Even if my kid is asleep, I'm prevented from sinking into a deep thought because my wife will randomly tell me something that's going through her head every couple minutes at the very least, shaking me from my thoughts. It's a normal NT thing to have a constant dialog about nothing, but it drives me nuts, and I feel like I'm always holding my breath waiting for an opportunity to finally sink into something deeper mentally. The problem is that I rarely get the opportunity to think at all, because my job is so intense that I have to apply all of my mental energies to it during the week. My weekends are absorbed with my family, whatever tasks have accumulated throughout the week that need to be taken care of, and as much social activity as I can stomach (which isn't much). There's no time for me, and if there is, it's usually wasted on recovering from the sensory overload I've experienced up to that point.

I need some sort of depth, focus on special interests, or something to replenish my energies, and it's just not happening for me at all.

Is there a way you could find a quiet park or library to escape occasionally? Have you explained to your wife your need for (dead) quiet time? Having a sitter take your child overnight occasionally might help you recharge easier, too.

I think some people learn to use bits of expected silent time (commuting, taking a shower, going for a run) to sink into their thoughts. I know my undiagnosed father enjoyed his hour long drive to and from work every day for that reason.

You should express to your wife that you need some "me time" because you're in danger of burning out. Maybe arrange to have her take the kids to church or to visit Grandma on Sunday mornings while you get a morning alone at home. And you should offer to make a similar arrangement for her so she can take time for herself, too.

Does your wife know and respect the FACT that you absolutely MUST have downtime for your mental health? Let her know in a firm and loving way that this is not a 'want', but a genuine physical 'need'. she might be confused or even feel rejected, so it may take a lot of reassurance that once you've recharged your batteries, you will be the man she loves and a better father for your child.

Do whatever you have to do to carve out this space, even if it means taking up a solitary activity, like jogging. One other thing, is that even though you live in a city swarming with people (I get the concept of psychic noise-I find it quite real) try to cultivate and learn how to be alone in a crowd. Earplugs can help - or an i-pod or radio with earbuds tuned to white noise.

If you don't have a fundamental problem with it, a lot of large churches will let you come and sit silently (you don't have to pray or anything - it's just nice and quiet and you can sink into your own thoughts) . Same with libraries and some bookstores.

If you only feel comfortable in your own space - you're going to just have to create it. Do you have a garage or room you can retreat (and shut the door) to for a period of time?

She knows, but she forgets. It all gets confused when we get hit with surprise weekend activities / work, or if my kid doesn't take a nap that we were banking on. At the end of the day, I don't think NTs can relate to how critical it is to our ability to function, so it just gets deprioritized.

I actually live near a Catholic church, and hid in there for a while on Sunday... you're totally right.. it's the only space that I can imagine being alone in. It's odd though, because I don't belong there. I sometimes try to head to parks, but it's a bit of a hike to get to one that has any semblance of seclusion, and it therefore becomes a scheduling problem.

Do you guys schedule important or weekly things on a calendar or something else visible during the course of the day (a la post-it on the fridge)? It might be the sort of thing to try: "Tuesday 8PM-10PM: hubby's decompression cycle"

I think the more profound thing will probably be that: since your wife is not on the spectrum herself, she will have different mental health needs that might not be met if decompression time starts to expand. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is important for your scheduled break not to become a focus of resentment for you two.

put on headphones in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed, maybe. even if you just have white noise playing it will be a deterrent from her interrupting you for short stretches. as long as you take breaks and still interact with her from time to time, it shouldn't hurt.