How do you tell when someone is two-faced?

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aspiemike
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04 Mar 2013, 4:50 pm

Following your brain? Provided you have the experience to back it up, but the problem I have is everything is all black and white. I struggle with grey areas (concrete vs abstract). I have learned that you have to be fair first before eliminating any problems.
Following your heart? I can assure you that if you follow your heart and the person you fell for is two-faced that recovering from that will take a while.
You start getting that feeling around someone that they just don't make you happy or you can't help but dislike them? You might want to follow that feeling.



Philpm930
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04 Mar 2013, 4:52 pm

aspiemike wrote:
Following your brain? Provided you have the experience to back it up, but the problem I have is everything is all black and white. I struggle with grey areas (concrete vs abstract). I have learned that you have to be fair first before eliminating any problems.
Following your heart? I can assure you that if you follow your heart and the person you fell for is two-faced that recovering from that will take a while.
You start getting that feeling around someone that they just don't make you happy or you can't help but dislike them? You might want to follow that feeling.

Yeah I fell for a two faced girl after it ended between her and I it's been a long time to get over it.



Ai_Ling
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04 Mar 2013, 5:24 pm

Its rather hard to tell especially for an aspie. The only thing I can think of is reputation and if you witness them being two faced to someone else. Shrug. A lot of people are two faced out there and it sucks.



Toy_Soldier
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04 Mar 2013, 7:10 pm

Philpm930 wrote:
So follow you brain not your heart!


When you suspect someone's playing you, yes. Like the old saying goes:

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me

(Chief Engineer Scot, in Return of the Jedi)



Summer_Twilight
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05 Mar 2013, 11:01 pm

I am going to put out a few more examples and then briefly talk about depressing two-faced behavior with others.

1. Two or more people who associate with the person(s) who is two-faced will mention that the person does not like you/hate you
2. Two or more people might come to you with confirming questions since a two-faced person can lie
3. If you notice them badmouthing another person and talking about how they don't like them because of x,y,z and then continue to act like their friend.
4. They may act nice to you one minute and even put on a mask in front of you and then take the mask off when they think they are far enough away in thinking you cannot hear. (For instance, they approach you with, "Hi, I like your new haircut. That short pixie looks nice on you M. Well I am off to my office/class/mall etc." Then they walk away and talk to someone else. "Oh my goodness X, you will not believe what M did. She cut all her hair off and now looks like a boy. She ruined herself. I told you she was a butch. Oh and I saw her putting alcohol in her soda."

I had experienced a situation like this two years ago where I worked with someone who acted very much like that descriptions above. This peer even would purposely tell me things and act like we were best friends and then go and twist the truth to another co-worker. Long story short, I found out and decided to remove them from FB and just ignored and avoided them. While it was icky, it helped them manage not to make fun of me and lie. In fact, they quit not long after that and I was happy.



Stalk
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06 Mar 2013, 2:04 am

I think I would rather be blissfully unaware of things like that happening to me. I was told in high school how people were laughing behind my back. It made me so self conscience that I rather not go back to the school dance. I think I was doing the arm flapping thing when I was dancing. It should be about what you enjoy... anyway, life. :roll:



bleh12345
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06 Mar 2013, 7:53 am

I would be cautious about judging someone as two faced by reputation, as someone else suggested. This is just because many people have unfair reputations.

Unfortunately, I think with this, you need a little time to tell. But one tip I can give you is if they claim to have a good friend, but "confide" in you bad things about them, secrets, make fun of them, or that they hate them, so on, they are probably two faced. Note that this is different than someone venting about a friend (just ranting when they are angry about a fight they had or something someone did that upset them).



Summer_Twilight
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06 Mar 2013, 10:11 am

I also find that two faced people will always cut you down in a passive aggressive manner. In most cases, I found that they will act condescending with you.

For instance, while in Jr High, I was in special ed and there happened to be another student in there who liked to say certain things in a certain voice.

1. There was one time where he said in screechy voice- "Big 1." I happened to laugh
2. There was another time where he said, "Doorbell," in high voice. I imitated what he said since I thought it was cute.

There were two other students who were mild disabilities and they both talked down to me and they were not the spectrum.

"Don't laugh at that. It's not funny."
"M that's inappropriate. You're in Jr. High and you are too old for that."

These two both acted like my friends and then I found out that they hated me and talked behind my back. They really did not liked me because they "Thought I was too annoying."

I mean why fall for that? There is no reason to be ashamed for who you are.



Moondust
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11 Mar 2013, 3:18 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
If you notice them badmouthing another person and talking about how they don't like them because of x,y,z and then continue to act like their friend.


This is the best sign.

Another big red light is if they treat you differently when alone with you and when there are other people. Some people will act like a friend to you when alone with you, only to ignore you in public. Or they'll be nasty to you secretly but pretend to be a good friend when others are watching.


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SoftKitty
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11 Mar 2013, 3:39 pm

I just don´t have a good feeling around those people. I rely on my gut feeling in those matters.


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Philpm930
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11 Mar 2013, 4:09 pm

SoftKitty wrote:
I just don´t have a good feeling around those people. I rely on my gut feeling in those matters.

My gut feeling tends to be wrong most of the time:/



Moondust
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11 Mar 2013, 4:35 pm

At least yours is wrong. Mine is plain non-existent.


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MannyBoo
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11 Mar 2013, 10:34 pm

i heard if someone blinks in rapid succession as they say something, that is probably a lie of some sort.



SoftKitty
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12 Mar 2013, 2:46 am

MannyBoo wrote:
i heard if someone blinks in rapid succession as they say something, that is probably a lie of some sort.


But not always. The person could be just extraordinarily neurotic.

As for me, I think I am using different channels in trying to find out what people are like (like what is their character). However, I cannot find out a/b their intentions.


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12 Mar 2013, 2:38 pm

If a person is convinced you are a liar, then anything you do will likely be seen as confirmation that you are lying.

This is called "Confirmation Bias", and is exemplified by courtroom accounts that say the accused must be lying because he spoke quietly and calmly, and other courtroom accounts that say the accused must be lying because he he spoke emotionally and tearfully.



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13 Mar 2013, 3:29 pm

aspiemike wrote:
Many aspies are probably confused as being two-faced based off the "tone doesn't match body language" idea.
A good example of someone that is two-faced for me is simple:
Says one thing to your face, says a different thing behind your back or even his actions (from what you hear or observe when he thinks you aren't around) don't match what he tries to show you. Not going to get into the "personality disorder" debate on this one.


This is the best I've been able to figure out. If they contradict themselves and its not like they are just saying the right thing in front of the boss or something; then I feel I can't trust them if their stories keep changing. This can take some time since many people can be fake for a long time.


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