People misunderstand what I say

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I work really hard on trying to be polite and appropriate in social occasions. But I keep having the problem that people mishear or misinterpret what I say and get offended. I don't know if it's because of my voice or the way I phrase things.

Here are a couple examples: Last night I was at a wedding and they had vegan tamales and I said to the bride "These are the first tamales I ever had" because usually they have meat so I don't eat them. But she thought I said "the WORST tamales" and got really offended. Later on I had to explain to her that that wasn't what I said and it was really humiliating.

Another time my guy had gone out drinking with a friend of his, and the next day I was talking to his friend's girlfriend, and laughing about how drunk my guy had gotten. But I guess the way I said it, for some reason she thought I was saying HER boyfriend had been too drunk, and she got mad and scolded me not to judge them.

Those are just two. This is always happening to me. Anybody else have this happen? What can I do to fix it?

I am always having misunderstandings and I actually now perseverate on them and over explain everything which seems to make it worse.

This. I have lowered my vocabulary because maybe it was the words I was using. I have spoken in an even tone and pronounced every letter. It doesn't work. I have to plan out every word I say and it still fails. It's why I prefer online communication.

Sorry that was of no use, but hey, you're not alone!

I often have the same problem, even here on WP among fellow ASers and I know it isn't my vocabulary. I suppose some of it is that Autistic tendency to be very blunt, but sometimes even when I think I've been very careful to word something diplomatically, people still get bent out of shape.

I used to have a partner who was DXd w/OCD and I hated getting emails from her, because her phrasing often seemed curt and rude, but she was not that way in person at all.

I have the same problem, but for different reasons. I've never had problems with people mishearing the words I say, but people ignore the actual content of what I say and make assumptions about my attitude or emotional state. Some months ago, there was a post in here on WP in which someone linked the FB page of a mental health professional who explained that people with ASDs tend to say what they mean and mean what they say, which causes problems in communication with NTs because NTs are more focused on why people say what they say, but the NTs tend to assume reasons that are false. I thought this made a lot of sense, but then, as a previous poster said, I saw that the same thing happened to me on this website, presumably with people with ASDs, so now I'm not so sure if it's an ASD vs. NT thing.

A few days ago, someone made a post on here about how being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) might cause a person to manifest their ASD symptoms differently than the stereotypical, blunt, ultra-logical Aspie, and that started me thinking about communication styles. I think, rather than an ASD vs. NT communication style, the problem of people getting upset even though we mean them no harm and say things that seem perfectly neutral to us, is a logical/informational communication style vs. emotional/social communication style problem.

I mean that some people express themselves verbally (speech or writing) with the primary purpose of sharing information, and so they expect that this verbal expression will be understood this way, and they understand other's verbal expression this way, and someone would have to say something that is blatantly mean for them to get upset. Other people tend to express themselves verbally primarily to initiate, manage, or maintain social relationships, and so they tend to interpret verbal expression that way as well. So, when the the emotional/social communicators hear or read something from the logical/information communicators, their first impulse is to interpret it emotionally or socially, NOT logically or informationally.

I think the emotional/social communicators MAY be more likely to be NTs (depending in the culture, of course), but it's not strictly an NT/non-NT divide.

OP, was there any reason why you just couldn't explain right away what you actually said?

    OMG that makes me laugh so hard!
    You can fix it by adding in qualifiers- these are the first tamales I've ever had and they're kinda yummy! or cuz Imma vegeeetarian and don't eat the meat ones.
    boyfriend blah blah soo drunk blah blah my guy is such a ditz sometimes.

    NTs communicate so sloppy that it's best to summarize what you just said.

    Or you can fix it by ending things with a gratuitous compliment so they know you don't hate them.
    You so rock for having vegy tamales! You're so smart and considerate!
    How come your boyfriend is cooler than mine?

    It doesn't have to be completely true, its just social lubricant. Social grease. Social Lard.
    Besides it's fun, and they usually don't really believe it anyhow, but it makes them feel like you like them, and that partly makes them like you.

I get that a lot. I have what I would call a slight speech impediment. It seems slight to me, but I suspect it's not slight to people who have never met me.

Many people ask me if I'm a New Zealander. I guess it's a bit of a thick accent or something. But I'm local, born and bred.

Often when people ask me my name, I say "Greg", they say "Glin"? I say "Greg" they say "Glen"? I talk slowly and say "GREG" they say "Oh Greg".

I can't pronounce my 'R's. so I can't even pronounce my own name. This makes me sad.

At work, I might be in the nursing station or dining room or somewhere and hear my coworkers talking to each other. I know that, if I joined in, I'd say the wrong thing and end up humiliating myself so I remain quiet. I just don't have the gift of small talk gab like NT's do.

This happens to me as well, I can't pronounce "R" very well and it comes out like"W" also "Th" comes out like "F" so I think thats why I'm misundestood at times, If I say the word "Carlton" it usually comes out as "Cowlton"

it is better to keep silent and as a fool be thought, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

happens to me as well. My issue is more that I am not comfortable talking for an extended period of time and want to get things settled quickly.

Maybe try and go to toastmasters or do things that will improve your public speaking skills.

That's all I can really suggest

Maybe she assumed that you judge all drunk people, so even if you only meant your boyfriend she didn't like it anyway as she has other opinions. Many arguments are not misunderstandings, but differing opinions. People think about the implications of what other people are saying ("oh this person thinks being drunk is bad/a big deal" rather than "her boyfriend got really drunk"). They then connect it with other opinions that they think usually go along with that attitude (they can be good stereotypes or bad stereotypes), and come to a conclusion that is about much more than what you actually said. It could even be that you didn't even mean to imply that you thought your boyfriend got too drunk, if you just meant it in an informative way, so then that entire conversation was based on what she thought you meant and not what you actually said. A lot of guessing and stereotyping, but it's not necessarily a bad way of thinking.
It's not something you're doing. Not everyone gets along perfectly all the time, neurotypical or neurodiverse.
Orrrrrrr she assumed it was a passive aggressive remark and you secretly meant her boyfriend. Then it's a NT misunderstanding.

So much of communication comes down to social status and relative social influence.

This reminds me of "Toejam and Earl : Planet Funkatron", for the Sega Megadrive.

There's one section where two of Toejam's female friends have fallen out and he's supposed to act as a go-between to figure out why it happened.
One of them was a little red creature and the other one was a big orange creature.

It's been about 20 years since I played it, but I still remember this part -

(Toejam walks to the first house)
Toejam - "So what's the problem ? Why aren't you two talking now ?"
Red creature - "I'm not talking to her because she said that whenever she sees me, she wished she was dead"

(Toejam walks along to the other house)

Toejam - "She's mad because you said that whenever you see her, you wished you were dead."
Orange Creature - "I did not ! !! I said that whenever I see her I wished I was RED. Red is such a pretty colour !"

The Roman emperor Tiberius was frequently misunderstood. He was traveling and said he wanted to talk to the sick in the village (meaning he would visit them). He stepped outside of where he was staying and the sick had been transported to him.