Most conversations seem like unnecessary dialogue

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Hi there. I want to know if anyone here can relate.

Whenever I'm having a conversation with someone, I don't see the point of chit chat or small talk. It just seems...unnatural in a way. When I'm having a discussion and someone changes the subject to something silly, I'm just thinking (although I don't say it aloud) "Are you ever going to shut up? This is just a bunch of unnecessary dialogue. I wish I could fast forward your mouth and make you get to the freaking point".

It's the same thing when I'm arguing with someone. They'll start throwing out random insults and I'm thinking "I get it, you don't agree. Just say you don't agree instead of paraphrasing that you don't agree with me in a million different ways".


Pssh. "Normal" people.

It's how they connect to one another. Apparently, they are transferring emotions to you, but you arn't recievig.

What drives me nuts is when I buy a subway and the girls want to chat about, "how are you?, how is your day? are you working this weekend?

I feel like screaming, shut up and just make my subway. I'm lost in my own thoughts, I don't want theirs intruding.

I hate small talk. If a stranger in the elevator opened up and just said what was bothering them, or what they were excited about, I'd probably listen and respond, but it's always about the weather or some other nonsense, why even waste the breath? If I can provide a few dismissive lines, people usually get the hint.

Exactly. I'd love it if people felt they could talk about interesting/personal/controversial things in "everyday" conversation. Occasionally I'll do it by accident and it always seems to invoke discomfort in the people who hear it. They'd rather I just stick to the weather and my most recent home renovations.

yellowtamarin, I've taken up the resolve to simply talk about things I find substantial when in the company of other people (for example, strangers), and do away with small talk altogether. If that doesn't find any resonance in them, then I'll figure it's their problem, not mine, and they're free to cut off the conversation any time they like. I'm not gonna be the guy anymore who sits among a crowd and has to go along with the most inane topics of conversation. I'm not gonna pretend that that does it for me.

How does the reciprocation work in those kind of conversations, though? If I want to discuss interesting things it would usually have to be me doing the opening up. I wouldn't want to just divulge all these things about myself (or things I find interesting) without them having the opportunity to do the same, but they wouldn't want to, so it would be one sided and therefore rather rude, would it not? And still I would not learn anything interesting about them.

It wouldn't be rude if you're the one opening the conversation, and then subsequently ask the other person a question about what they're interested in, or what they think about what you've just been talking about. You prevent it from being one-sided by involving the other person in what you're talking about. If the other person is not receptive to this, and stops the conversation, or goes away, or talks to someone else, then there's nothing more you can do, but you did all you could. It is NOT rocket science. And it's not rude unless you actually have the intention to offend someone with what ypu're saying or how you approach them. If it comes across as rude, tell them you didn't mean it like that.

I can definitely relate. You have to go through a LOT of small talk to finally get to some interesting subject, which will be discussed only (very) briefly. I know small talk gives people a good feeling, it's being social, but it adds nothing for me. I only get 'social fun' if we're having interesting conversations.

I don't know if they get something out of it from each other or why they do it. Some sort of superficial false happiness. Personally, I stand there thinking "This is a waste of time. I just want to get back to researching my special interest" which I'm usually thinking about while they're talking anyway!

Waste of time! Maybe in future, I'll launch into a long spiel about my special interest and bore the crap out of them as I have done to others in the past. They won't be able to get away fast enough! LOL

I don't know if anyone else has made this observation about group conversations, but I have often observed in various workplaces that a group of people will listen to whatever zany morning radio show is on. Usually the several people on the show will be nasty to each other and have one person designated to be the main target for ridicule. What I have observed is that often the work group will pattern their own conversation along the lines they have been listening to. They will have targeted one person in the group to be the recipient of group scorn as well as use blistering sarcasm and mocking humor with each other. It is both creepy and unpleasant.

Sometimes vacuous and inane conversations can be a step up.

I've heard that 90% of the time in meetings is taken up by people trying to explain who they are. Sometimes, with the right amount of attention and detachment, you can see several levels of communication going on at once. There is a pecking order being maintained, through precise grades of dis/approval in the choice of words.

What I was saying though was that as soon as I start talking about "interesting" stuff, it doesn't feel like they want to hear it, let alone contribute their own ideas/thoughts. So it is already apparent that they are not going to reciprocate. I don't mean rude as in sounding nasty, I mean that talking about myself or my ideas that they don't want to hear about can be a bit rude (like monologing can be). So it seems pointless to even bother, so I usually don't.

Maybe another reason to order at Jimmy Johns. They don't mess around. By the time the order is placed and you're getting the receipt and change the sandwich is done and being handed to you.

They talk simply for the sake of talking. I talk when I have something to say. Logical, right? Well people hate logic. They want to babble and look at each others' facial expressions. It's all very primal not logical. My theory anyway.

Chit chat is how they bond. It's probably programmed into their genes to make sure that if there's a famine or an earthquake others are less likely to leave them behind. It's basically to ensure the preservation of the species. On some level it makes them feel as if they know you. We are more likely to bond intellectually (or, in some cases, are not interested in bonding at all). There is nothing wrong with that, but we are a minority and have to put up with the way NTs do things one way or another.
I don't like social chit chat myself, but will do it with people who I feel are good, kind people that I want to build a rapport with because it is worth the effort. If you don't ever feel that way about an NT then don't bother with the small talk. But we don't want to be judged for the way we bond or communicate, so we shouldn't judge them either by saying it's stupid or pointless.

Completely agreed. Small talk basically tells people that you like being around them, but don't want to know too much about them or get too close to them. You also want to establish what shared experiences you have in common with them, even if it's something really obvious, like an observation of the current weather in your area. I feel that when people don't do this, it makes others really uncomfortable. If you find it difficult, I'd say an option would be to disclose this in the context of ASD so that people don't assume anything about your character.

I do a lot of small talk with people because it's a social expectation and it helps people feel comfortable around me. I can also trade the "casual friendly" feelings that people exchange when doing it, but it doesn't make me feel as good as how others might feel because I don't get anything emotionally satisfying from it. I am only emotionally satisfied if I able to get to know the person as a person and be able to relate to them in some way beyond a superficial level.

I tend to crave very deep relationships with people and only seem to feel at ease when either a topic I know about is being discussed or if emotions and feelings are shared in a way where I am able to gain social insight (i.e. people disclose private things to me and/or share what they are really feeling or thinking).

Since I am a huge people-pleaser, I feel like it is something I have to do, even if I don't like doing it. I am fine with doing small talk in casual situations and with people I know on a casual basis, or with friends as a quick catch-up or through text before getting to the loftier stuff in person. However, someone who insists on just engaging in small talk with me all the time is not going to be my friend (and yes, I know people like this and they annoy the crap out of me).