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Mission_Control
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12 Jan 2014, 9:47 am

Hello, everyone.
I'm new here, and joined because I felt like meeting more people that go through similar things as I do, but I haven't seen a thread about this topic yet.

I don't know how to talk to people. I can only actually hold a conversation with people that are very close to me, and it seems that I can only really talk to my Aspie brother. My parents are always telling me to go talk to people and hold a conversation, but it is extremely hard for me.
Not just because I don't have proper social etiquette, but because I honestly don't want to know about how their day has been, or what their job is, or the dentist appointment they have tomorrow. I can only kind of hold a conversation when it is about something I'm interested in, and find it very hard to talk about any thing else, since I am not interested in it.

Sorry for the long post, but does anyone else feel the same way?



sacrip
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12 Jan 2014, 10:30 am

Talking about things that don't interest you is a big chunk of social interaction, especially with people you've just met or don't see often. It helps if you can find a way to make it interesting, but a lot of times you just have to pretend. Make eye contact, say "uh huh" a lot and throw in something of your own relating to the topic once in a while. Mostly, it's just listening and riding out the boredom.


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Mission_Control
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12 Jan 2014, 10:41 am

Thank you for the response.

I have tried pretending I'm interested, and I'm working on the eye contact, which is still hard for me. I'm going to try memorizing a part of the topic they are talking about and ask a question so they know I'm listening. Thanks for the suggestion!



yournamehere
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12 Jan 2014, 11:01 am

I think it's fun. being a mechanic, alot of people need to talk to me. in the 20 years I have been doing it, I have talked to all kinds. just about whatever kind of person you can think of. I can talk about their cars all day, and fishing. when people get on a topic about sports or the news or something, I tell them flat out... "I'm not into that". if they ask what I like to talk about, I usually say something like "fish". or "your wife". and proceed to laugh. that one goes over really well. for some reason I seem to be interested in what most women have to say. I don't talk much, I just like to listen. if I really like them, I will try to say short simple things to keep them talking. if I say too much, I wont be able to listen to them talk, because they will go away. if someone will not go away, I just start talking all technical about their car, and I don't shut up. I can go on and on and on. they get somekind of blank overload look on their face, and leave me alone. when I'm done, they give me money, and drive away... I WIN!! !!



melmaclorelai
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13 Jan 2014, 5:14 am

I can relate to this as well. I've found that I can actually enjoy a conversation or debate about something I'm interested in but I'm not so interested in listening to small talk unless its with somebody that I know well since I actually am interested in their lives.

I'm not very good with things like eye contact and tone of voice and facial expressions like that either. I have gotten slightly better at making eye contact but it still doesn't come naturally or easily to me.

I agree with what sacrip said. Most people tend to enjoy talking about themselves and their lives and they aren't really paying attention to what you're doing as long as you look like you're interested.


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RedStar98
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13 Jan 2014, 2:00 pm

I feel just the same.
I am absolutely useless at regular conversation- I really don't care what someone thinks of the weather or what they think of their work. It doesn't interest me in the slightest and I don't see the point really. I don't like talking about myself or my feelings at all. I love talking about stuff I'm actually interested in and its frustrating that no one else I know likes the same things. I'm absolutely awful at eye contact and its been a huge struggle for me to even look in the direction of the person who's talking. In most conversations where other people are doing most of the talking I just say "Er OK", "Yeah" or "I don't know" to pretty much everything, because if I don't know anything about what they're talking about, what else do I say? I'm useless at social interactions unless its to do with things that actually interest or are useful to me. No one taught me to do it, so how would I know? It just doesn't come naturally to me.


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Lillikoi
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14 Jan 2014, 1:21 pm

RedStar98 wrote:
I feel just the same.
I am absolutely useless at regular conversation- I really don't care what someone thinks of the weather or what they think of their work. It doesn't interest me in the slightest and I don't see the point really. I don't like talking about myself or my feelings at all. I love talking about stuff I'm actually interested in and its frustrating that no one else I know likes the same things. I'm absolutely awful at eye contact and its been a huge struggle for me to even look in the direction of the person who's talking. In most conversations where other people are doing most of the talking I just say "Er OK", "Yeah" or "I don't know" to pretty much everything, because if I don't know anything about what they're talking about, what else do I say? I'm useless at social interactions unless its to do with things that actually interest or are useful to me. No one taught me to do it, so how would I know? It just doesn't come naturally to me.

My thoughts exactly.


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coffeebean
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15 Jan 2014, 6:38 pm

I try to steer it towards something that I am interested in but that has something to do with them. One of my classmates this semester doesn't like the subject of the course we're in together, but it's everywhere where he works and is becoming a necessity.



hurtloam
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15 Jan 2014, 7:41 pm

I'm worse when I'm depressed. I just go almost completely mute. I can't think of anything to say. My mind goes blank. People just think I'm rude or stuck up.

It's difficult at work too. I don't know what is expected of me most of the tone and therefore don't know what info to communicate, so say nothing and just hope I'm doing the right thing.



Mission_Control
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17 Jan 2014, 9:47 am

Thank you all for your replies. I am also terrible at phone conversations, and most of my conversations can be summed up to "Okay. Yeah. Sure. No. Bye."

Anyone else like this? It's good to know I am not the only one who can't hold a proper conversation about something I am not interested in.



MrBackward
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24 Jan 2014, 11:10 am

General Conversations: I mostly don't care what anyone has to say about anything unless it effects me (sounds selfish but true) so I am not good at conversations, my trick is to make it seem more important to me.
I do this by:
-Pretending that there will be a quiz at the end which results in me probing for more info and remembering it
-Playing a game of social chess where the goal is to extrapolate out what they are trying to say and then seeing how close I get (overly complicated and difficult to explain).

Phone/Text: People get frustrated with me as I don't tend to reply when I should (in their opinion). For example: "We are going to see the 5:30pm movie at the cinema". To me that does not require a response so I don't, lest I send a pointless OK message. Later I get the "are you going?" message so I send "Yep" -simple!
Nowadays I adopt an acknowledge-anticipate-repeat-close approach:
I acknowledge that I have received the message, anticipate their follow-up and/or intention of sending this message, repeat the key details and close either by requesting more info or well-wishing.

Note: I have improved a lot since when I was younger, working on the checkout's forced me to interact with many people everyday so I got better at "reading" conversations and moving on to a more "professional" role has seen my skills evolve further. I still prefer to lock myself away though...


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Pogonia
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22 Feb 2014, 12:37 am

I'm new here and just learning my way around, but just had to respond. :)

All my life I have struggled with 'small talk.' And when, in junior high a long-time girlfriend began calling every night just to talk, I would wonder why. After all, we had been together in school all day, ridden the bus together both directions, and knew everything about each other's lives, what more was there to say????

It surprises me people have long conversations about trying on a pair of shoes at Macy's, or that someone's brother had pancakes for breakfast. I listen and try to look interested...but...really????

Something I read recently about women aspies is their inability for small talk. We tend to have 'functional conversations.' Really like that term. I told my husband that's what I do; I have functional conversations. Over and done with. And later I realize that probably seemed rude to whomever I was speaking with. :roll:



Erwin
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22 Feb 2014, 2:13 am

Mission_Control wrote:
Hello, everyone.
I'm new here, and joined because I felt like meeting more people that go through similar things as I do, but I haven't seen a thread about this topic yet.

I don't know how to talk to people. I can only actually hold a conversation with people that are very close to me, and it seems that I can only really talk to my Aspie brother. My parents are always telling me to go talk to people and hold a conversation, but it is extremely hard for me.
Not just because I don't have proper social etiquette, but because I honestly don't want to know about how their day has been, or what their job is, or the dentist appointment they have tomorrow. I can only kind of hold a conversation when it is about something I'm interested in, and find it very hard to talk about any thing else, since I am not interested in it.

Sorry for the long post, but does anyone else feel the same way?

If you're not interested, you're not supposed to. Not how people socialise. You're not supposed to do what you don't like. Also no need to apologize for the length of your post. Nothing wrong with your post, it's sexy as hell. All this is normal. So normal that normal people ask the same things. Just do what feels right, you're supposed to be the way you are.



c0r
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21 Feb 2018, 10:12 am

You have to BS that you care about their day and the weather. Get good at bullshitting and lying. It will make your life easier.



kraftiekortie
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21 Feb 2018, 10:29 am

The weather is one of my "special interests."

I wouldn't be bullshitting.....



Britte
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21 Feb 2018, 12:35 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
The weather is one of my "special interests."

I wouldn't be bullshitting.....


kk, don't waste your time in this thread. Most (not all) of the posters, above, are sock puppets of another member on the forum, and these posts are just mocking what contributing members have mentioned in their posts around the forum. If there is a post that is spiteful, rude, ridiculing or mocking - ignore, report and move on. It's not always possible to decypher, but, one pattern I have noticed is, if someome is being provocative in a post that they have dredged up from the past, they don't have anyone but their own best interest in mind, and likely, their only desire is to provoke a reaction from others, thus keep walking...just a friendly word of caution.