Ostracism due to perceived stalking/obsessiveness

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Almost 22 y/o sophomore at university who has been dealing with social rejection/ostracism since high school as a result of perceived stalking and harassment.

I attended public high school for two brief years (went to a crappy special needs school for the past three years because of bullying and harassment in middle school) and I tried to interact with people in high school who I shared common interests with as well as hook up with Asian girls (only race I'm attracted to), they perceived me as a creepy stalker and went out of their way to exclude me or avoid me and I pissed off one girl's brother named Jimmy who not only began to harass and physically assault me on a daily basis but also made my social life a living hell by spreading stalker rumors about me which drove my only friends away from me and prevented me from making any new friends. I was also fervently obsessed with this one Vietnamese girl named Thuy who I had barely even talked to and did nothing else to besides follow her around while attempting to talk to her and she very quickly began to brand me as a creeper and would give me the silent treatment whenever I tried to talk to her at all. I'll admit I was only 15 then and considerably more socially immature than I am now, but it probably wasn't/isn't an excuse for at least two things that I ended up doing to her that almost landed me in legal trouble. One time I kicked her in the leg in the hallway after she told me off and she and her mom unsuccessfully tried to get the school to press assault charges against me, all I got was a slap on the wrist. About a year later I jokingly asked for a hug from her (attempted to hug her several times which she reacted to very unpleasantly) and I ended up chasing her around the table yelling "HUG ME THUY!! !" before her bf grabbed me and shoved me out of the classroom before I could even explain myself and I got suspended for three days as well as being threatened with stalking charges or a restraining order if I ever talked to her again. Less than two weeks later I got suspended yet again after my friend Jordan and her other friend sat at another table in class and I tried to ask her why she was sitting away from me and tapped her on the shoulder and she reported me for harassment, wasn't allowed to know why she did it. After that the special ed dean and her aides began to literally follow me everywhere from class to class and breathing down my shoulder and looking for every reason to punish me and I ended up withdrawing near the end of my junior year and took classes online and received my GED.

I went to community college for a year which was where I ended up meeting the current girl of my dreams/target of my obsessions, a half-Thai girl named Glenda who I shared many common interests with, particularly anime/manga and the Final Fantasy series and I also ended up getting into DC Comics and the TV show Supernatural as a means of impressing her. I was still extremely reluctant and afraid to talk to her or attempt to socialize with her for fear of facing the same rejection I experienced.... and sadly I did after I confessed my feelings to her too early and I learned from her friends that she felt freaked out by my presence. I explained to Glenda and her friends that I have Aspergers and that I don't mean to come across as a stalker or a creep. Unfortunately, it only seemed to worsen her opinion of me and she would never respond to any of my comments on her Facebook statuses or would delete them. She hooked up with a guy named Travis in June of last year who I shared even more common interests with especially our tastes in mecha anime and we first saw each other at the theater while seeing Pacific Rim and we seemed to get along really well, at least until he found out about my track record with Glenda and they both deleted me from Facebook at the same time. I transferred to the same university as him in August and I've tried everything I can to socialize with him and be friends with him but even he has been labeling me as a stalker and a creep (he even has a link to my Facebook page on his Tumblr labeled "My Stalker") and he's always telling me "don't stalk/act normal/don't be a creep" when I have no idea how to do either.

I'm at the end of my rope and all I want is a healthy platonic relationship especially with Glenda and hopefully be able to find a girlfriend without completely freaking her out and driving her away from me. I don't know what is considered normal and not creepy as far as social interaction. Advice, please?

This guy is a jerk and wants to troll you. Cut off contact with him. I'd consider reporting the post to Tumblr's admins as well. Defriend this guy from Facebook if you haven't already, and modify your Facebook security so everything is Friends Only (which is a good idea for anyone, really).

I can see why people feel you are harassing them. I will agree that this guy on the Tumblr comment was acting very inappropriately himself.
If a person doesn't want to talk to you and is making this clear, it is best to respect these boundaries without pushing for reasons as to why. You have to let these kind of things go and let people come to you when they are comfortable in doing so. Right now, i would advise learning to take no for an answer in a gracious manner. Afterwards, don't try and push for friendship with people who are making it clear they don't want you around.

Edit: considering that you may have learned the above already, my bad. Now to deal with the guy and Glenda. It probably wasn't smart to try and be friends with the guy when it was clear he was dating Glenda. Girls do like to talk... a lot. And their feelings will be validated and supported by the guy that is dating them as well. Her feelings towards you are clearly being supported by him.

As for Glenda, explaining your actions by saying "I have Aspergers." usually never works. You can say "I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I will leave you alone and I wish you the best." or the first sentence in the previous quote followed with "I hope you enjoy the rest of your day." would work out better.

I think you might have write this one off. It's pretty clear they don't want to be your friends, and nothing you do is going to change that. I've been in that situation myself, it sucks. Sometimes it's through no fault of your own, sometimes it's through things you didn't know you were doing wrong.

One thing that can be hard for aspies is the desire to know why. Often times in social situations, you may never know why.

My advice; meet some new people, and DEF come on less strong.

The following are examples of socially unacceptable behavior that can be perceived as threatening, and stalkerish.

If you try to talk to someone and they do not respond, leave them alone. Do not try to keep initiating contact.



Attempting any sort of physical contact by asking (including hugs, high fives, hand holding etc) and having a person not respond in a positive manner means leave them alone. Trying to actually do this physical contact with out permission could be considered assault. Chasing a person can be considered threatening.



When a person deletes your comments and is not responding positively to you, you need to leave them alone, and do not initiate contact with them again, ever. Do not try to explain yourself or your actions. They do not wish to talk to you, respect that.



Transferring to a different school to follow someone (who was not reciprocating your friendship) is stalking. To keep trying to socialize with him is stalking. Leave him alone, and ignore him. Do not talk to him, look at him, try to initiate any contact with him.

I advise you to leave the two people you keep trying to contact alone. Do not look at them, do not talk to them etc. Anything else is considered stalking and threatening.

I advise you to join an Aspergers social support/social skill building group.

You might try socializing in small amounts by (just for example) taking up the game Magic the Gathering (lots of nerds and anime fans there). Go to a card shop and play Friday Night Magic (FNM) every week. You will see the regular people there and have a chance to get to talk and socialize while playing. Do not ask them to socialize or hang out with you out side of FNM. If they want to hang out with you they will ask. If someone is ignoring you, do not try to talk with them or hang out with them. Just play and see the regulars once a week. I suggest a medium-ish place that only has 30-60 people on a Friday night.

Found out Tuesday she got engaged and she's pregnant.

My life is over.

Not to rub salt on the wound, but it doesn't sound like you had a chance to begin with.

You need to move on.

That tumblr stunt is quite immature. Honestly, I don't think you sound creepy or weird, so I would suggest you move on and find a girl who appreciates you for all your idiosyncrasies.
Sometimes, unwarranted physical affection can be considered harrassment even if it's just a slight touch of the hand or a hug.

I finally have something to say, and it's that your difficulties with talking to Asian girls is so similar to my own high school experience that it makes me worried that you're me from an alternate reality.

OR AM I YOU FROM THAT PLACE?! Either way, I get it, man. I get it.

Another tiny piece of advice:
Don't overtly mention that you only date asians to these girls because they don't usually like feeling they are a "fetish" to people.
I am asian, and I went to a few comic con events and I had a lot of men awkwardly coming up to me asking me about my culture.

I don't consider it a fetish, at least in my case. I honestly don't have any aesthetic attraction towards women of other races, which really sucks because you're not only limited to one small particular group of women but also because out of that small minority very few girls will share the same nerdy eccentric interests as you (though the same is true with every ethnic group).

Tell me your story, please?

I must say I am almost horrfied by this post. This will be long.
Is your behavior getting worse or better with age? If you feel its getting worse and you are losing control of this, please seek help. Google- stalking, obsessing over love interests, learn about this issue you have and about what drives it. It is so far from healthy, anyone who says otherwise is not knowledgeable enough of human interaction to speak on the subject.

It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that these girls are asian. All girls, no matter the race, would react in about the same way to this kind of treatment.

Do you possess the self-perception/self-knowledge/insight (quite unsure of what the right word here is? Please excuse my poor english,) to realize that what you did was wrong? Not only immature, it was wrong and you should never in your life treat another person like this. I understand you mean no harm, but you are inflicting harm nonetheless and that is something you need to work on.

Empathy might not be something us autistics are good at, but sympathy is another thing. Have some sympathy for the girls you obsess over. They are humans just like you, and you cant force them into anything. I hope you understand that your behavior is NOT harmless, NOT acceptable, possibly grounds for a restraining order, and simply cruel and disrespectful.

I know i come off as harsh here. But your social life will not get any happier until you deal with these issues of yours. Get some help, i promise you that it will be worth it.

Some pieces of advice, apart from the essential one: getting help to stop becoming obsessive in your interest for a girl.
Working on your overall social skills through some sort of autism support group. These skills are not just going to appear to you one day, you have to learn them. You wont be accepted otherwise, that is the harsh reality we all live in. You can do it, so many others have!
If a person rejects your advances you must respect that. You just have to. If someone says no to you that is something you have got to listen to. Life is not a romantic comedy where the girl hates the guy at first but he never gives up (to the point of what we girls in real life consider harassment) until the girl miraculously falls in love with him. That is NOT reality. Respect other peoples choices and boundaries, it doesnt matter that you dont want to.
Do not EVER again:
Chase a girl or touch her against her will. Do not be that guy, im sure you dont want to be.
Do not mention your preferences to people. Girls will not like it if you say that you are only attracted to one race, theirs. Just trust me on this. Keep that part to yourself
Dont bother trying with any girl who knows of your history. And that gets around. I hear the full name of guys with creepy tendencies who i will probably never even meet - girls warn other girls. So as to not set yourself up for failure (which i know must hurt), dont try for girls who know or could know of your previous behavior.

Work on your social skills, work on your issues, and the girlfriend will happen eventually, trust me. But do not continue on like this.

I'm going to be brutally honest and I hate to say this because I don't think you're a bad person but the reason you are being 'perceived' as stalking/harassing people is because you are stalking and harassing people.

If you want to improve then you have to call a cigar a cigar:

1. Know the facts
2. Analyse the facts objectively
3. ACT.

If you don't do something to change your mentality then you are going to find yourself in serious trouble or even worse ostracism. See what you can do to remove the stalker page, maybe report it to facebook authorities. Put a note with that report saying that yes, you've done things you're ashamed of and everything/most of the stuff people are saying about you is true but you want to do everything you can now to put your life back on the straight and narrow and that facebook page isn't helping you to do that. If there is a different angle on some of the things people are saying that you think might sway the facebook authorities mind present it but don't come across as overly self-rationalising.

NEVER make contact with Glenda or her boyfriend again. EVER. If you see them, tilt your head away. Maybe even look a bit ashamed or embarassed but in a way that suggests that actually they've done wrong too. There's a difference between being ashamed and being sorry. You regret what you did because it has affected you're self-esteem. You might be a little sorry that you've hurt their feelings but your feelings have been hurt too. You're also giving off the impression that you'll never stalk them again: the boyfriend might have put up that page to keep you at arms length rather than specifically to hurt you. If he thinks you'll back off, he might take it down. Maybe. Either way

If anyone asks you about your past, own up. Say "yeah, I did that stuff and I'm not proud" but with a tone that says "why are you bringing this up? What have you got to gain from it." Sometimes people ask you why you did XYZ because they are actually giving you the chance to own up so that they can maybe even befriend you depending on how you react. Be grateful for that opportunity even if it makes you feel a bit awkward. If a lot of people know about you then that is going to make it tougher but you are going to have to cope with a bit of humiliation here. But you can do it, I know you can. If people's attitudes are too negative and fixed of you then you are, like Zany suggested, going to have to find people that don't know about you. Overall though, there's a difference between knowing what someone did and understanding their reasons why. People can forgive...to an extent. Don't be too testing of that capacity.

Be strong, be confident, stand tall, make eye contact, shake people's hands warmly but firm. Have good posture.

I know what you mean about racial orientation, I'm a bit like that as well but I mostly go for white girls. It's not something I'm terribly proud of actually and I would never tell a girl I'm going for her just because of the colour of her skin. Ironically just when I'm getting successful with women, that's when I start to get a bit repulsed especially if the girl seems needy or whatever. Notice attitudes like this in yourself...are you being needy or desperate? Are you rejecting opportunities because you think you're too good for them? Does the girl you're with have an attitude that says "I'm out of your league"? Show her that you're not. Give her the cold shoulder. Look away, look distracted, maybe even close the conversation or look like you are about to close the conversation. Her attitude might change or it might not, but you at least get to save some face that way.

You say that it is a shame that you are not attracted to other races but actually, I think the real reason your not attracted is because you don't want to be. Liking asian girls (the whole thing goes together with manga) is something that is part of your individual identity. You don't want to let go of that. I understand. But look for features in other races you find/or might find attractive. You can train your mind to like anything, believe me - the world is a subjective place like that. Have slightly higher standards for other races than asians but still make a conscientious effort to try and appreciate that nice white girl at manga with geeky glasses or whatever floats your boat.

Improve your life, do you just do manga all day? Do you go to the gym? Do you get work done? Do you have other interesting hobbies?

I have done extreme things in social situations as well, but I never stalked anyone and in the end I walked away from situations that I just couldn't manage. No, I had the strength to walk away from these situations. Sometimes it took me a while but I knew that sometimes a man has to throw in the towel and there's no shame in doing that whatsoever. I also got passed all of that self-rationalising ("I wasn't being intrusive, I just happen to really like making cups of tea every time she magically happens to be in the kitchen").

Walking away from situations: do you see Glenda and her boyfriend at manga a lot? Maybe join a different manga society, or stay where you are at but make a conscientious point of going to a different part of the room, not looking at them (not shying away, just calmly and confidently keeping focussed on what you are doing).

On a related note, pick up Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People"...but don't be cheesy or insincere when you compliment people (something the book recommends). Apply what I've told you about assertiveness, confidence and attitude to that book. You WILL benefit. Look at things from different angles, that's what aspies are good at after all. I know all of this might come across as a bit anti-nerd (and I am a bit like that mainly because I'm always destroying the nerd in myself - a little self-hatred, maybe) but you CAN adjust my advice to make it suit your life style, trust me. You don't have to be a man of steel to have a little confidence, a little self-esteem, a little respect AND be interesting, witty, a little nerdy but that's ok. Just go about things in your life in an organised and routinely manner (if you're not already). Conversely, maybe lose a bit of structure if your days are planned to OCD perfection.

Absolutely gold advice from Zany by the way.

I've finally managed to get over Glenda, but only because I've started obsessing over someone else who also is on the autism spectrum. And she's not Asian. What should I do now and how do I interact with her to try and get to know her?

Perhaps you could start by reading through the responses you got in this thread. You might see something you missed before, or you have an opportunity now to look at things from a different perspective.